AIBU DIL ... again

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Sorry I only post on here when I have problems with DIL if you recognise my name ! After the wedding nightmare ( previous thread ) that turned out fine and was a lovely day we now have the end of maternity leave and child care issue. DS and DIL have asked me to help out with childcare when she goes back to work in Sept. Absolutely fine and I am of course happy to help where ever I can, I also work full time.
Some of the shifts are night shifts and when I am at work the next day I will need to drop dgs at nursery, therefore will need a cot and a car seat. DIL sent a pic of a cot and a message that said we were thinking this cot for dgs name. This cot is almost £350 so I messaged back saying there’s really no need for you to buy such an expensive cot for our house and actually we don’t mind paying for a decent second hand one and a new mattress or an inexpensive one from ikea. Didn’t get a response but no problem. DS has called this morning and it turns out that we are expected to buy this cot ourselves and a top of the range car seat too and shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap. I adore this child and would never put his safety in question. I also do not want to spend hundreds of pounds on a cot that will be used a few times a month. AIBU saying that if you want to buy it then fine, but if I’m paying then I will get what I feel is reasonable for the time we will use it. I absolutely know that this will not go down well at all.

We have had the reverse of this with my mother - she looks after DS 2 or 3 days a week and when we offered to get a perfectly sensible cot and car seat, she declined as she wanted fancier ones. So she bought them. If one party wants fancy stuff then they should pay for them.

We got a thick mattress which fitted inside our travel cot, because the one it came with seemed too hard. It worked well and wasn't too expensive.
Second hand car seats are a bad idea, but there is no need to spend a fortune. I might be way off here, but do you think all this foot-stamping is designed to make you back off of doing childcare, so she can exclude you more generally? (She let us down when we needed her, so we are now NC sort of thing?). The real difficulty I think, is that she is likely to cut contact with the grandchild altogether if she doesn't get what she wants, but if she does then that just sets a precedent and the only variation will be the size and volume of the tantrum she needs to throw.
Is there a reason why DIL can't either change her shift pattern or look for another job? It's difficult to see how this will work out longer term, with active service etc.

Can you have a Skype video call with the both of them?.

Tell her you are confused about the situation ?

Is it possible things are getting exaggerated in your sons head because he is far and is relaying the information wrong ?

Because I can’t imagine someone this entitled could be existing in this world.

Always by the number of grown adults who expect the GP to provide free childcare & also contribute financially to their kids. I've got a toddler and friends seem to think it's the norm to expect grandparents to pay for shoes, pram, cot, car seats etc.... wtf? Your DiL needs to pay for her own kid!

Pair of cheeky sods. Your son is just as bad as he is clearly enabling her.

Rarely have I heard anything so ridiculous. Just ask them straight if they want you to do the childcare or not and don't engage with this expensive items debate any further. Cheeky sod.

my dm looked after mine and she used our travel cot so if she had visitors could fold away i purcased her a 2nd hand high chair and pushchair, car seats we just brought 3 when we needed new ones and gave them 1. anything other than presents we gave hem cash for if the brought.

DS is in the forces and will be away for 3 months
So expensive equipment is needed solely for 3 months this time. By the time ds comes back and has to go away again this child will have outgrown the cot and car seat.

I just looked up nighttime childcare in my city. A nanny who will come to your house is from £11 per hour. Average 8 hour shift and travel time and your looking at over a hundred pounds a night. Cost will increase if it's at the minders house if that's even possible.

Mention these costs or send a link to your son and maybe they will change their minds.

Just tell them, on second thought you won’t be needing a cot or car seat because for the night shifts, DS can care for his own child.

Oh, just saw Forces thing.
Well then, how about for night shifts, for those 3 months, DIL hires a childminder.

You son is just as big an issue, though i can see why you'd be fooled by his behaviour. He chose to tell you this when he could have easily said "ill speak to her tonight mum and get a crib sent when it's good for you."

Not bitched about his wife and put everything on her, which from your threads sounds like a common theme. They are both equally to blame and entitled... It still sounds like he wants to be see as the 'good son' but wants as she does.

Is he going to send you the cot and car seat?

I'm just baffled at why they decided to have a child while he is in the forces and she is doing the kind of shifts she is. I was married to a soldier and I dropped from full time work to part time so he could do his job and have a child :/

Anyone a link to previous threads? Can't find them. Thanks.

car seat - more convenient for you to leave in the car anyway but as long as it meets regulations I don't see a problem . and I agree with you a new ikea cot will be fine . I have a travel cot at my house but only used for a night at a time . But I think they should pay . If you want to offer a contribution that's up to you really.

@mordecaithomas I wondered that too, but then I realised that given they have 24 hour free childcare available, why wouldn’t they

Considering how much you'll be saving them on childcare they can easy pay the difference! This sounds like it's going to be a disaster...I'm a nurse and in a similar situation with shifts changing every week and Grandma is a massive help but I really have to give her the freedom to what she wants that day and how she would look after him. Also at least 2 shifts a week he is in nursery and she does the drop off pick up. I think expecting someone to look after your child for 3 12 hour shifts in a row for free is pretty unreasonable to be honest. That's pretty full on.

For the car seat I did suggest a car seat and offered to pay and my mum went out and bought another one which the ratings were pretty poor on and I was furious at the time. Thankfully hes rarely in her car. I do have a very expensive car seat in my own car as it looks nice and is really easy to get him in and out but for a secondary Joie Tilt (£70) gets really good safety ratings and is extended rear facing so much safer. It doesnt really matter how fancy looking a secondary car seat is..more than it's safe, light and portable for swapping cars .

If they want the cot and the carseat then they buy them the CF's!!

Send a text saying Mothercare has a sale on and he should go get a cot if he wants his free childcare.

This is very cheeky! My in laws looked after my lo part time and we provided everything they needed. We got new for ourselves and then second hand versions of everything for them. A second hand cot with a new mattress is absolutely fine - we had one second hand for ourselves even. Car seats are more important so made sure the second hand ones were in good condition before purchasing. Don't spend a fortune - if they want to then fine but you should not be having to pay. She needs reminding that you're doing them a huge favour and favours should be appreciated and not taken for granted.

Understand now Op! Well my MIL looked after DS for a few nights on a rare special occasion he was in The travel cot and totally fine. They're designed to be used for a few nights ... if you went on holiday and used one you would!

Car seat if she wants you to have a certain kind then she pays for it. Simple as

I agree with a previous poster if DS is in the forces and she has this work pattern they should have thought more carefully about how they'd cope with a baby and factored in stiff like
Providing cot / car seat to you etc. They should have also been 100% up front with their expectations.

My mum has always helped me of desperate (single mum to DS1 from 13 months) however she made the point I was old enough to decide to have a baby and that includes everything that came with it ie childcare, equipment costs and not relying on others all the time. Ok maybe a bit harsh to many not she's right 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think that you ds and dil have chosen to have a child when they are not in a position to look after the child.
Their shift patterns and their earnings are not conducive to having a baby.

Whilst it is very nice to have GPS look after the child on occasion, to expect them to cover all working shifts without any expense is either because they are a spoilt cheeky f**king brat or they cant afford the cost themselves.

Either way I would be asking why they bothered having children when they expect everyone else to pay for their choice.

Can I ask how many hours of each day your your dil will be looking after her dc. If you are dropping him in the morning is dgs spending all day at nursery and dil then picks him up.

Is your dil one of those women who looks down her nose at sahms and doesn't appreciate that if she had to actually put her hand in her pocket to pay for childcare it would have a negative effect on the family income.

Your ds also needs to re evaluate his career. He can't just bugger off for 3 months and expect others to pick up the slack for free.

Knew a few army wives and apart from a few p/t jobs most were SAHMs when children arrived because they had been posted to different areas of the country and didn't have the luxury of parents and family near by.

What happens if your ds gets posted to a different area.

The ones I knew a couple requested transfers because of career progression but most were just told they were moving.

Bloody hell, I obviously dont value my daughter in her second hand cot!

She is so unreasonable that in these circumstances I dont think its unreasonable to lie. Get a cot second hand off Facebook, clean it up and tell her it was new.

Research car seats and get a top of the range one. In terms of safety, not price (a which? Best buy)

This is not going to be the only clash though. I'm sure looking after him is going to be a long list of unreasonable demands!

Your DIL has never been anything but horrible to you, your DS is spineless. Tell them that they can sort alternative childcare arrangements as you’ve had enough of their attitude towards you over the last 10+ years of their relationship. You are the poor relation who’s not allowed to be involved in wedding arrangements or celebrations, has been publicly embarrassed by her in a professional setting, has her leaning on the car horn to summon DS from your house, gets ignored and now this unreasonable demand. The chicken surely has to come home to roost now? Tell them to bugger off and concentrate your efforts on your other, lovely, inclusive, caring children and their partners. I know you want a relationship with your DGS, but it’s never going to be two way, time to stand your ground and tell DS and DIL to bog off!!!

Honestly OP - you do know this is all going to go to shit don't you?

I would say you cannot provide childcare and leave them to it. Everything you do will be wrong.

Travel cot is fine, just put a proper mattress in there. It’s what my mum does with my daughter (although I purchased them not her)