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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DIL ... again

212 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 18/08/2019 09:29

Sorry I only post on here when I have problems with DIL if you recognise my name ! After the wedding nightmare ( previous thread ) that turned out fine and was a lovely day we now have the end of maternity leave and child care issue. DS and DIL have asked me to help out with childcare when she goes back to work in Sept. Absolutely fine and I am of course happy to help where ever I can, I also work full time.
Some of the shifts are night shifts and when I am at work the next day I will need to drop dgs at nursery, therefore will need a cot and a car seat. DIL sent a pic of a cot and a message that said we were thinking this cot for dgs name. This cot is almost £350 so I messaged back saying there’s really no need for you to buy such an expensive cot for our house and actually we don’t mind paying for a decent second hand one and a new mattress or an inexpensive one from ikea. Didn’t get a response but no problem. DS has called this morning and it turns out that we are expected to buy this cot ourselves and a top of the range car seat too and shes furious that we value dgs so little that we would even consider putting him in something second hand or cheap. I adore this child and would never put his safety in question. I also do not want to spend hundreds of pounds on a cot that will be used a few times a month. AIBU saying that if you want to buy it then fine, but if I’m paying then I will get what I feel is reasonable for the time we will use it. I absolutely know that this will not go down well at all.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 18/08/2019 10:35

Surely only one car seat is needed?
Even if the OP is dropping child off and someone else picking up - just leave car seat with child. Not rocket science.

timeisnotaline · 18/08/2019 10:35

It would be unusual for both of them to be on night shift? Or do you and ds both work full time days but the idea is ds goes home from work and sleeps and you go home from work and look after their child? Because if so , my sons are only little but I am 100% confident it will not even occur to them to ask me to parent so that they don’t have to...

AGenericUsername · 18/08/2019 10:35

What a pair of CFs!! YANBU!
Just tell her straight. You're doing her a favour by helping out with childcare. If she wants the ridiculously expensive cot and car seat then she can buy them. She should be providing them anyway. You're being kind to have offered to buy something you can afford. There's nothing wrong with a cheap or second hand cot with a new mattress. Don't let her force you into buying what she wants you to.

NormanChrist · 18/08/2019 10:36

Reply saying ‘’No need for the cot, we will be co sleeping and I’ve taken some supplements which has got my milk supply going so I’ll be breast feeding as well, also no need for car seat as I’ll be walking everywhere with baby in a sling, it’s called attachment grandparenting. I know you’ll be pleased as this shows just how much I value DGC’’.

frami · 18/08/2019 10:40

When at my Mum's each of my 4 children slept in the cot that had been bought for myself in the 1960s as did my sister's children. (We replaced the mattress). Said cot was then passed on to other family members and was 'doing the rounds' for years. My MiL side most of also had an heirloom crib which all the grandchildren used. It's still in the family and will doubtless by used by the next generation. No child has ever suffered from using either the cot or the crib. Your DiL should be grateful to have your help.

FluffyCloudsInTheSky · 18/08/2019 10:40

Hmm how incredibly ungrateful of them both. I think you need to rethink providing regular childcare.

A travel cor or cheap bed plus new decent mattress will be fine. Surely she could love the car seat from her car and give to you when you need it?

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 18/08/2019 10:40

Will try to answer all questions!
Ds thinks she’s crazy to expect us to buy an expensive cot and he also expected to buy anything we need for looking after dgs. He is in the forces so will be away for 3 months so won’t be here and can’t change shift pattern. Nursery don’t allow the car seat to be left there so who ever collects him would need one and logistically would make sense to have our own ( we could perhaps share with other dgm though ) I have a decent travel cot already but didn’t think it would be suitable for several nights in a row although I don’t really know why I thought that !

OP posts:
MrsSiriusBlack1 · 18/08/2019 10:41

This isn’t going to go well, whatever you do is never going to be right in the Eyes of these cf 😡 what a pair of arseholes

FluffyCloudsInTheSky · 18/08/2019 10:41

Failing that her job to purchase the car seat

Yeahnahmum · 18/08/2019 10:41

Your DIL is out of her mind.
Absolutely out of her mind...

Littlechocola · 18/08/2019 10:42

You sound really sweet op.
I wish my dc had a gm like you. (I would provide the cot Wink).

Snog · 18/08/2019 10:43

If the childcare is free then DS definitely needs to provide any equipment required.

gingersausage · 18/08/2019 10:43

@Mummyoflittledragon why the hell should the OP buy a top of the range car seat? She’s the one providing free childcare. If the DIL wants the fancy car seat she can bloody buy it. Car seats have to be safe; as long as it’s from a reputable manufacturer a cheap one is perfectly fine. It’s not like there’s reports in the paper every day of mass car seat recalls.

@Pennypinkhair I understand your son is away, but I do think you need to accept that he shares responsibility for this shitty treatment of you. Yes, your DIL is actually sending the messages but it’s his child too and he’s a big boy capable of telling her to knock it off, which he’s obviously not doing. Stop making excuses for him.

FlyMayBe · 18/08/2019 10:47

*Free childcare plus buy the necessary kit??!!

Hahahahaha!*

This msg from @diddl is the only reply you need to send.

What a CF!!!!

Mintypea5 · 18/08/2019 10:47

I still don't understand why you're looking after baby over night? Is it she works night shifts or just wants a "break"

I understand your DS is away for several months but honestly they're expecting too much of you!

Redken24 · 18/08/2019 10:48

Travel cot be fine, decent mattress.
A car seat doesn't have to cost hundreds.

IABUQueen · 18/08/2019 10:50

Bloody hell youre a saint.

I can never ever imagine being so entitled..

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2019 10:50

^^ This

Well said, @gingersausage

OP - I hope your son learns to have a bit of a say. Just because he serves away it doesn't mean he can opt-out and blame leave it all on his wife.

Grisgristhecat · 18/08/2019 10:52

Cheeky sods aren’t they!

When will it stop - they’ll be telling you that your car isn’t good enough to ferry him about, his cot sheets aren’t designer enough and the nappies you provide aren’t organic, you don’t heat his room to a high enough temperature and you don’t speak to him in a posh accent.

MyElbowIsItchy · 18/08/2019 10:53

Ok so your ds is overseas, so she’s on her own dgc. I presume they knew that childcare was going to be a factor a long time ago, just because he is away does not mean that you have to do his share of parenting. I think they are being completely inconsiderate, I’d be telling them to get stuffed.

blubelle7 · 18/08/2019 10:53

YANBU....How presumptuous to expect someone gmail to spend their money on something for your benefit without even having the decency to ask. My DPs live abroad. I am fussy about everything DCs use and eat. My parents have always paid for everything and would be happy to do so but I still buy everything for DCs to use and even leave money just in case anything happens. That way DPs are free to spend their money as they wish.

How incredibly rude and what cheek to even be angry

messolini9 · 18/08/2019 10:54

"Dear son - if DiL is already "furious" with me before I've even started giving you both FREE childcare, maybe it's better for her temper if I withdraw the offer.
Perhaps she could send the £350 cot pic to a professional childminder. I'm sure any fee-charging childminder would be delighted to pick up the bill for it ...
Oh no. I forgot, the real world doesn't work that way does it?
Can you tell your wife to pull her over-entitled neck in & start counting her blessings?
If you want me doing childcare, you need to trust my judgement, & that includes having the smarts to not endanger DGS. Or pay through the nose for his kit.
Cheers
Mum"

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 18/08/2019 10:57

Mintypea5 she works an irregular shift pattern so one week could be 3x night shifts and the next week could be 3 x day shifts or a mix of nights and days. We get given our rota 1 month in advance ( we are in the same field but different areas so I no longer have to work nights. )

OP posts:
Weezol · 18/08/2019 10:57

If your son thinks this is mad, why isn't he dealing with it in his own home? I think he's telling you one thing and her something else, playing you off against each other.

Are you going aling with all this crap because you think they'll stop you seeing your grandchild if you don't comply?

Weezol · 18/08/2019 10:58

along

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