Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To have an abortion in these circumstances?

214 replies

Someone9 · 05/06/2019 11:33

This week I found out that I’m pregnant. We have 18 month old twins. This pregnancy was very much unplanned (contraception failure) and I’m so very torn over what to do.

Up until a few months ago my marriage was basically hanging on by a thread. It’s the usual cliche I’m afraid, in that DH was utterly useless when our children were born which caused huge resentment. I’d never experienced such loneliness, disappointment and sadness as I did in those early months and walked around with a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly ended our relationship over this but things gradually improved (somewhat) as the DC got a little older so I decided to stay for now and try and make things work and we have been in a much better place of late.

DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this. He suggested getting a cleaner in once a week. I said that’s all well and good but there’s still things that need doing on a daily basis. It’s as though he thinks his penis will fall off if he picks the Hoover up every once in awhile. I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears.

This was three days ago and he’s since acted as though nothing’s wrong. Neither of us have brought up the pregnancy and I haven’t told him yet that I’ve booked an appointment for an abortion next week.

I’d be a fool to go through with this when he’s practically told me he’s going to be useless, wouldn’t I? I’m desperately sad as I always wanted three DC and I know in different circumstances I’d be thrilled about this pregnancy. I’m so worried that I’ll feel eternal guilt/regret if I terminate but on the flip side if I go ahead with the pregnancy and my marriage ends as a result, then I’ll end up as a single parent to three and know I’d struggle to cope.

I’m torturing myself and can’t tell anyone in real life so would really appreciate some insight. WWYD?

OP posts:
GhostIsAGoodBoi · 05/06/2019 11:35

Have the baby, dump the useless DH.

Or don’t have the baby and still dump the useless DH.

AiryFairyMum · 05/06/2019 11:36

If I were you and I wanted three children I'd have the baby. It sounds as though your marriage may end anyway - and it was adapting to parenthood rather than having a baby which kicked off his issues. Don't be pushed into anything by his laziness.

NabooThatsWho · 05/06/2019 11:36

YANBU if you feel like the circumstances are not right to continue with the pregnancy.
You know that you would be doing all the work and can’t rely on your H. Having toddler twins and a newborn is a LOT of work.

peachgreen · 05/06/2019 11:37

You can have an abortion in any circumstances and should never feel guilty or judged.

It sounds really tough OP. I hope whatever you decide things improve for you.

AiryFairyMum · 05/06/2019 11:38

If you think you will feel 'eternal guilt/regret' then I wouldn't even consider a termination. The baby and your relationship are two different issues and terminating the pregnancy wont save a failing marriage, but nor will it fix it.

noenergy · 05/06/2019 11:39

Have the baby, your twins are getting more independent each day. And you say yourself that you always wanted 3 kids.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 05/06/2019 11:39

No one can make that decision for you as you will have to live with it. But you seem quite resigned to the relationship not working long term anyway, what do you want to happen with the two of you, would you prefer to be on your own?.you have mentioned you would struggle with 3 if you did end up on your own. Perhaps it's worth really looking st what you want from the relationship, if it can change etc but a new baby will bring more pressures to an already difficult situation. You may well end up having a 3rd a few years down the line if everything is in a better place. It's just up to you whether it will be this pregnancy or not. Thinking of you, it's a hard decision.

WhiteRedRose · 05/06/2019 11:42

Either way, dump him, OP.

TwinsTrollsandHunz · 05/06/2019 11:42

It is not unreasonable to have an abortion under any circumstances, if it is what you want.

Original poster
Someone9 · 05/06/2019 11:42

*Have the baby, dump the useless DH.

Or don’t have the baby and still dump the useless DH.*

I have a feeling that whichever way this goes the relationship won’t recover. I’ll either be angry with him for not sharing the workload or I’ll be angry with him that his actions were the catalyst for my decision to terminate Sad

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 05/06/2019 11:43

Seprate out the marriage and the pregnancy. I'm guessing you want this pregnancy but worried your marriage will collapse. So look at it both sides- you ha e the abortion - could u forgive dh because he would be the reason you having an abortion? You go ahead with pregnancy and marriage collapses. Which would u have more regrets about?

AliasGrape · 05/06/2019 11:43

Hi OP I’m sorry you’re in this difficult position and that your husband is not more supportive. What a hard decision to have to make.

Your reasons for considering a termination are perfectly valid - not that you need me or anybody to tell you that but it is absolutely your right to make the decision that is best for you and your existing children.

I do wonder whether you could access some counselling or support in the meantime? You sound quite torn and I’d hate you to feel pressured to make a decision - either way - without the space and support to think it through.

I’m shocked that your husband was defensive in the face of your obvious pain and I think that would make me hugely angry too. Outside of the practical/childcare/housework support how is the relationship? (Not that you can really get ‘outside’ those things I know).

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/06/2019 11:43

It’s whiskey your decision. Anyone who judges you or tried to guilt trip you m, is an arsehole and not worth your effort.

Pinkvoid · 05/06/2019 11:45

I would keep the baby in these circumstances. You always wanted three children and by the time this baby is born, your twins will be over two and way more independent.

Obviously up to you though and you’re never wrong to have an abortion if it’s what you want.

FilledSoda · 05/06/2019 11:45

Some may argue that single motherhood is more manageable prospect because your ex would have them half the time.
In your shoes though I'd probably have the termination and then try to figure out if the marriage is going to work.

MidsomerBurgers · 05/06/2019 11:45

I agree 100% with ghost. It sounds as though whatever you decide to do (no judgement either way from me), your relationship may well be over.

CassianAndor · 05/06/2019 11:46

you can have an abortion for any reason you like.

I agree with ditch the DH though.

MidsomerBurgers · 05/06/2019 11:48

In your shoes though I'd probably have the termination and then try to figure out if the marriage is going to work.

I disagree. If OP wants a termination, that's fine. Having a termination to try to save a relationship that is already strained is a possible recipe for regret further down the line.

rachelfrost · 05/06/2019 11:49

I would worry that if you end the pregnancy you’d then blame dh for forcing you into the abortion by his being so useless. It would make for a hellish relationship. Not that you should keep the baby to prevent that but be aware of it...

If you stay with your dh would he be up for some relationship counselling? It’s so sad being with someone unsupportive. I’m shocked that you’ve not talked about the pregnancy for three days. It sounds like whether you stay with him or not you’re alone. Sorry, it’s so tough.

Bronze · 05/06/2019 11:50

I had an early abortion for similar reasons 4 years ago. My (now ex) DH was outright awful, I raised 3 children with no support from him at all. My other kids were all getting older & I was finally getting some independence back when I fell pregnant (also contraception failure), no way was I starting all over again. I don't regret it one bit, it was absolutely the right thing to do. My ex sometimes tries to beat me around the head with it but I just throw back the fact that it was my life alone it would have affected & therfore my descision. In truth he's just pissed he didn't trap me in motherhood again. Abusive men know how to make motherhood a prison without bars.

MoseShrute · 05/06/2019 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yeahsurewhatever · 05/06/2019 11:52

YANBU your body your choice. 3 babies under 3 is ALOT for anyone, with a useless DH and relationship stress.
I personally couldnt cope. Nor would I want to bring another child into that. Nor would I ant any children of mine growing up and seeing this behaviour being modelled to them.
If you want the baby, have it, but leave him or set down some very clear rules and stick to them.

I'm sure he has some plus points or you wouldn't be there still. But I'm not sure why he thinks he can have all the babies he wants and not take care of them.

Figure out what you want, what would make it ok for you to have this baby. Does he need to make dinner, clean, do the garden, do bath time etc
Set those expectations out. It's clear, he can work as a team or he can lose you.

Expect he won't follow through though- and make your decision on your pregnancy based on assuming he isn't helping or you're a single mum.
Can you leave if you wanted to? Get yourself organised so if you want to go, you know how to.

CodenameVillanelle · 05/06/2019 11:52

I think your marriage is dead regardless. You won't forgive him if you terminate a wanted pregnancy because he's too shit to step up.
Could you cope with 3 as a single parent? If you kept your head down and disengage emotionally from the husband, stay with him until the new baby is old enough then re evaluate?

Original poster
Someone9 · 05/06/2019 11:52

Outside of the practical/childcare/housework support how is the relationship?

It can be good in that I enjoy his company, find him attractive and he has good traits but I think the childcare/housework issues were so central to my day to day life that the other (good) stuff paled and all I could see were the negatives. As things were improving I was starting to see the good things again but this situation has set that back.

OP posts:
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 05/06/2019 11:53

DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this.

Ugh, what a horrible, lazy creature he is. Who did his domestic drudgery before he met you? He’d rather lose a pregnancy he claims to want, than pull his weight at home.

I’d make any decision on the termination bearing in mind that you will be carrying the burden alone. A PP mentioned that he would have the DC 50% of the time, this is rarely the case. The mother almost always has the children for a larger percentage of the time hence child maintenance payments.