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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have an abortion in these circumstances?

214 replies

Someone9 · 05/06/2019 11:33

This week I found out that I’m pregnant. We have 18 month old twins. This pregnancy was very much unplanned (contraception failure) and I’m so very torn over what to do.

Up until a few months ago my marriage was basically hanging on by a thread. It’s the usual cliche I’m afraid, in that DH was utterly useless when our children were born which caused huge resentment. I’d never experienced such loneliness, disappointment and sadness as I did in those early months and walked around with a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly ended our relationship over this but things gradually improved (somewhat) as the DC got a little older so I decided to stay for now and try and make things work and we have been in a much better place of late.

DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this. He suggested getting a cleaner in once a week. I said that’s all well and good but there’s still things that need doing on a daily basis. It’s as though he thinks his penis will fall off if he picks the Hoover up every once in awhile. I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears.

This was three days ago and he’s since acted as though nothing’s wrong. Neither of us have brought up the pregnancy and I haven’t told him yet that I’ve booked an appointment for an abortion next week.

I’d be a fool to go through with this when he’s practically told me he’s going to be useless, wouldn’t I? I’m desperately sad as I always wanted three DC and I know in different circumstances I’d be thrilled about this pregnancy. I’m so worried that I’ll feel eternal guilt/regret if I terminate but on the flip side if I go ahead with the pregnancy and my marriage ends as a result, then I’ll end up as a single parent to three and know I’d struggle to cope.

I’m torturing myself and can’t tell anyone in real life so would really appreciate some insight. WWYD?

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 05/06/2019 11:54

If you told him you were considering a termination maybe that would make him step up?
Why are men???

Bluerussian · 05/06/2019 11:54

In your position I would end the relationship and the pregnancy. Do you want to be tied to this man for the next 18 years?

Surely you can do better. than this man.

stucknoue · 05/06/2019 11:56

It's really your decision and whatever you decide it's right.

I would consider a few things, one being can you cope with an extra child with or without him - it's hard now but in a few months time they will start to do things for themselves, another is getting a cleaner in makes a huge difference - saved many a marriageSmile, finally can you terminate? I did because I was coping with my 2, I never admitted it to my h that was the reason, I cited money - it was very hard and I do regret it now, I feel I'm missing a child (and I'm probably too old and partnerless in any case)

NameChangedNoImagination · 05/06/2019 11:58

I think maybe if you got the abortion you'll have done it 'for him'. So if the relationship goes south or he's not perfect you will be very resentful and maybe regret the abortion.

Original poster
Someone9 · 05/06/2019 12:01

Could you cope with 3 as a single parent?

I think I could practically cope with looking after three, but I don’t know how I’d cope financially. I’ve only recently gone back to work two days per week and had planned to go back full time when the twins turned two. I moved to my DHs hometown and we live in “his” house. He’s owned this house outright since before we were married so if I left I’d have nowhere to go. Logically I’d have to move back to my home town (3 hours away) and move in with my mum until I got sorted and I’d hate to do that and would feel terrible moving the DC so far away from their father - as even though I see his shortcomings they adore him.

OP posts:
JessieTalamasca · 05/06/2019 12:01

I'd have a termination without hesitation because this person will never change and being a lone parent to 3 under 3 would not be something I could handle. Unless there's a lot of money around, it's shit and hard. He may not take the kids at all. A lot of men like this don't. You don't have to justify it to anyone or give excuses or reasons or feel guilt. In your shoes I would terminate and get rid of him.

madcatladyforever · 05/06/2019 12:02

it sounds to me as though your marriage may not last long term (not surprising he sounds absolutely useless).
So you have some important questions that you need to ask yourself, can you manage all alone with three children if you decided to divorce him?
Would you be happy bringing up three children alone?
If you stay with him do you want 4 kids to look after him being one of them?
If this was me I'd have the abortion but I'm afraid it would mean the end of my marriage as I would never forgive him for it.
As far as I can see he has NO choice in the matter because he is a useless man child so it's all your decision.

Mamabear12 · 05/06/2019 12:03

Have the baby. One is easier then two newborns, so you will be able to cope. That is if there is only one! My friend had two sets of twins! Your twins will be a lot easier by then and at the age where they can play with each other. Take your husband up on the offer of a cleaner once a week, and the house can be a little messy the first few months...

JessieTalamasca · 05/06/2019 12:06

Forget about guilt over toddlers who 'adore' their useless father. The reality is that you won't get more UC for the 3rd child, depending on the council, you might have a hard time or nigh on impossible time getting housed, and sadly in this country it's quite easy for NRPs to pay very little to nothing for maintenance.

MotherOfDragonite · 05/06/2019 12:06

Are you (is he) in a financial position to employ a mother's help for you on a daily basis? If he can afford to pay to make up for his missing contribution to the household, and you want a third child, I would say go for it and make peace with it not being perfect.

AdaShelby · 05/06/2019 12:06

Does he know you're serious? Would tell him the abortion is booked and see what he says.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Mitzimaybe · 05/06/2019 12:07

You don't say how old you are and how many child-bearing years you might have left. From what you have posted, I would probably have a termination in your shoes. There is no right or wrong answer, only what is right for you. You didn't choose to get pregnant.

If he wants you to continue the pregnancy, I'd expect him to at least promise to pull his weight (even if when the time came, he didn't deliver.) The fact that he isn't even paying lip service suggests that he won't lift a finger and it will all be down to you, again, and that he believes that's the way things should be. I couldn't be with someone like that.

MNHQ
AnyaMumsnet · 05/06/2019 12:09

Hi there OP,

Would you like us to move this thread Relationships or Pregnancy Choices? Let us know if so. Flowers

Original poster
Someone9 · 05/06/2019 12:10

He’d rather lose a pregnancy he claims to want, than pull his weight at home.

This is what gets me the most Cat. It’s as though his sexism is that strong he can’t even bring himself to agree to “women’s work” when there’s a potential life at stake. I find this so hard to stomach...

OP posts:
BattenburgIsland · 05/06/2019 12:11

It sounds like you actually want this baby and its him that is the problem.
So I'd keep the baby and dump him.
It will probably be very hard in the short term but in the longer term your life will probably be much better without him. It might actually be easier to swap this man child for a baby. The baby might be less of a drain on your emotional resources to be honest! It's not as irritating picking up after a baby or watching a baby sleep when you are exhausted. Because it's a baby not a fully grown man shirking his responsibilities.
It will not be any walk in the park either way. But if you want the baby yourself then keep the baby. And get rid of this bellend.

Good luck I'm sorry you are in this situation Flowers

Nanny0gg · 05/06/2019 12:13

You're married? Check the legalities re 'his' house.

He doesn't hold all the cards.

Butterymuffin · 05/06/2019 12:15

He wouldn't just get to keep the house. You're married so it's a joint asset now and he would be responsible for paying to house his kids. Speak to a solicitor. A lot will do a quick phone chat to give you some initial advice. You may have more leverage than you think.

Totally support your right to terminate but from what you've said the third baby will ultimately make you happier than your husband will.

DinkyTie · 05/06/2019 12:15

I would have the termination and end my marriage. You have 18 month old DT, I'd focus on them for now.

Wanting 3 DC if not really relevant. It's what can you cope with, and you have 2 already that need you.

MustardScreams · 05/06/2019 12:16

I wouldn’t have the baby. If you do split up it sounds like you’re going to struggle financially anyway, add a newborn and minimal maternity pay on top of that? I think sometimes you have to put your existing children first, over one that doesn’t technically exist now.

Saying that you, and only you can decide if that is something you can live with. It’s so hard, I wish you all the best.

Okki · 05/06/2019 12:18

I may be wrong but I think the fact that he owned the house prior to your marriage is irrelevant. You are married and have children so would it not be counted as a marital asset?

Can you just tell him that you've booked the termination as he's failed to engage with you. Does he acknowledge the state of your relationship after the twins were born or does he not truly realise? Maybe ask him how much he is prepared to fund his not helping. A night nurse to ensure you get sleep. So cleaner twice a week. He does all ironing (which frankly he should at least be doing his own already) or it gets sent out. Supermarket deliveries paid for etc. He doesn't want to help then he gets to pay for it. Or does he want to get divorced?

I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

HypatiaCade · 05/06/2019 12:18

It can be good in that I enjoy his company, find him attractive and he has good traits but I think the childcare/housework issues were so central to my day to day life that the other (good) stuff paled and all I could see were the negatives.

Sounds like a lovely friend but a really, really shit partner.

FluffyTabbycat · 05/06/2019 12:20

Keep your baby. Get rid of him, please . You marriage sounds like hell. No offence, and a baby however hard it may be in beginning , you will never regret.
If you terminate and stick with this useless lump of a man you WILL regret xx

ZaphodBeeblerox · 05/06/2019 12:22

You should do whatever feels right to you OP and you don't need to justify an abortion to us or anyone.

BUT it sounds like you are mostly doing this as a reaction to your useless DH, and you're going to resent him for making you go through with it. Separate out those two issues.

Assume the marriage ends - what would you prefer? Having two kids rapidly becoming more independent so you can work more? Having your personal dream of three kids, and a few hard years ahead but then seeing the light at the end of the tunnel?

Either way, I don't see how the marriage survives his selfishness and laziness, sorry.

janetforpresident · 05/06/2019 12:23

I couldn't stay with a man like that. You are your kids deserve better.

Your decision on the pregnancy should be separate from your decision about the marriage. Your marriage is likely to fail anyway and as you've said you worry about feeling regret and blaming him.

If you don't have a prenup then I am sure you could get somewhere with the house and remember he would be paying maintenance for three children.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 05/06/2019 12:23

Only you know OP if you can go ahead with the pregnancy and possibly become a single mum and cope with that.
What makes you think he will be any different this time? And you will have two toddlers as well as a new born.
It’s your decision no one else’s. Good Luck

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