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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have an abortion in these circumstances?

214 replies

Someone9 · 05/06/2019 11:33

This week I found out that I’m pregnant. We have 18 month old twins. This pregnancy was very much unplanned (contraception failure) and I’m so very torn over what to do.

Up until a few months ago my marriage was basically hanging on by a thread. It’s the usual cliche I’m afraid, in that DH was utterly useless when our children were born which caused huge resentment. I’d never experienced such loneliness, disappointment and sadness as I did in those early months and walked around with a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly ended our relationship over this but things gradually improved (somewhat) as the DC got a little older so I decided to stay for now and try and make things work and we have been in a much better place of late.

DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this. He suggested getting a cleaner in once a week. I said that’s all well and good but there’s still things that need doing on a daily basis. It’s as though he thinks his penis will fall off if he picks the Hoover up every once in awhile. I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears.

This was three days ago and he’s since acted as though nothing’s wrong. Neither of us have brought up the pregnancy and I haven’t told him yet that I’ve booked an appointment for an abortion next week.

I’d be a fool to go through with this when he’s practically told me he’s going to be useless, wouldn’t I? I’m desperately sad as I always wanted three DC and I know in different circumstances I’d be thrilled about this pregnancy. I’m so worried that I’ll feel eternal guilt/regret if I terminate but on the flip side if I go ahead with the pregnancy and my marriage ends as a result, then I’ll end up as a single parent to three and know I’d struggle to cope.

I’m torturing myself and can’t tell anyone in real life so would really appreciate some insight. WWYD?

OP posts:
cunningartificer · 05/06/2019 21:05

Get a cleaner. Get some childcare. Don’t have an abortion in anger if you want this baby. Your husband isn’t there just to do housework and neither are you—try to take that out of the equation.

icannotremember · 05/06/2019 21:23

I'd have an abortion in your situation.

It is never unreasonable to choose an abortion.

HJWT · 05/06/2019 22:05

@Someone9 will DH not help with the older 2 so you can be getting on with baby? I know that is how it will be for me when this baby comes as DH is useless with a baby unless its asleep on him 🙄😂

AnnieMay100 · 05/06/2019 22:06

It’s no ones place to tell you what to do but in your shoes I would keep the baby. I had a useless husband, I done absolutely everything so when we divorced I already had full experience of being a single mum. I managed fine with my children alone and so would you if leaving your husband was your plan. Some men just need more time to mature and adjust to parenting, some are never cut out for family life. Think long and hard whatever you do, do it for yourself as well as your children. I wanted 3 children like you but I’ve been single since my divorce and the chance never came to have another baby, something I don’t think I’ll ever move on from. I hope it works out for you Flowers

HJWT · 05/06/2019 22:09

I had a useless husband, I done absolutely everything so when we divorced I already had full experience of being a single mum. I managed fine with my children alone

THIS! Except you wouldn't have him to pick up after to!!!

Stefoscope · 05/06/2019 22:17

There's nothing to stop you trying for a third in the future with a different, more supportive partner Flowers

SunshineCake · 05/06/2019 22:33

A marriage needs to be legally ended when one is threatening the other.

Just for those hard of thinking, the h is the one threatening the OP.

Yukka · 05/06/2019 22:52

OP is DH on the same page that the marriage was hanging by a thread and could be over? Did you discuss it at the time or did you carry the can until things got better? Does he understand the gravity of the situation?

Perhaps you two need a more constructive chat around the realistic state of you’re relationship and adding why a new baby makes you so worried, about how you would cope knowing you’d get little support.

Plus, do you actually want to make it work with him? It doesn’t come across strongly that you do. Without that desire, you’re just killing time until the inevitable, the pregnancy has simply forced the decision/actions needed either way.

DuffBeer · 05/06/2019 22:55

I wouldn't keep the baby in your situation.

3 under 3 would be incredibly hard on your own and also if you stay with your useless husband. I totally disagree that your twins are on the cusp of independence! In my experience, 18 months - 3.5 yrs nearly broke me - and I only had one and a mostly supportive husband.

If you keep the baby and also leave your husband then just imagine how much you're going to have on your plate. It doesn't bare thinking about.

Obviously only you can decide what is best for you but please don't let your heart completely rule your head on this one.

blackteasplease · 05/06/2019 23:01

My choice in these circumstances would be to have the baby and dump the useless man.

But only you can know your choice. Either way their is no wrong decision as to whether to go ahead.
Flowers

littlebillie · 05/06/2019 23:06

I think you have small children which is the most stressful time in a marriage. A baby may bring you together. Please be kind to yourself and your marriage -it may improve. Whatever decision you make it's is the right one at this time

qazxc · 05/06/2019 23:14

I think it's highly unlikely that a baby may bring you together considering the husband is intent on not doing a bloody thing to raise his kids and help his wife.
It's all well and god for him not wanting a termination and have child after child, he's not the one who is going to be pregnant, give birth and then raise them for 18 year with no help. He's happy to leave all of that responsibility and work to OP.

ilovecatsabittoomuch · 05/06/2019 23:15

He sounds awful! I would definitely leave him. Personally I would have the baby anyway but I can see both sides

LittleGwyneth · 05/06/2019 23:17

I think that whatever you do, if you can afford it, some marriage counselling might be a good idea. Sounds like you're not communicating well (read: he probably isn't) but if he's got the willing to change then he can.

Original poster
Someone9 · 05/06/2019 23:19

We did discuss it Yukka many, many times... when I first had it out with him the DC were three months old and he had still never changed a nappy and had a major strop when I demanded he did. He seemed genuinely shocked when I told him that day I had considered leaving him.

When discussing it over that year he would go from making light of the situation to getting defensive and often storming out. So I can’t say it was ever productive conversations, often it would happen when I was already angry over something he did/didn’t do. Or he’d say something pathetic like “you think I’m bad, well some men go to the pub every night I never do that”. As though I should be grateful that at least he’s not an alcoholic?!

I honestly never saw this coming. I thought he’d make a great father - he talked the talk so much before they were born, that’s why I think it took me three months to snap, I was just overwhelmed by everything and in shock. He’s an intelligent guy but it seems he simply refuses to see it from my perspective.

I did very much want to make it work and I genuinely thought we were getting back on track, but this situation has turned everything on it’s head.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 05/06/2019 23:33

He said the classic line at least im not down the pub-hes a gaslighter

So he sits there does nothing and your supposed to feel greatful

Original poster
Someone9 · 05/06/2019 23:39

Is that a classic line GabsAlot?! I thought it was one of the most ridiculous things he has ever said... he’s said it more than once and each time I’ve been Confused

OP posts:
spanielove · 05/06/2019 23:43

Honestly you would never be unreasonable to have an abortion- whatever the circumstances! That's your choice.Thanks

BUT in your particular situation I see why you are considering it, it must be so hard to basically be a single mum to twins, let alone raise another baby with a partner who doesn't help out! It's all well and good him getting a cleaner but does he help out with the babies generally, bathing, feeding etc?

Kaleela · 05/06/2019 23:46

Agreed, he is a gaslighter. He is minimising his own actions. Personally, screw been tied to him by another child, I would abort and leave (leaving all emotions and history out of it. I know it's not that simple 💜) Practically speaking though I would call him out and hire an au pair/nanny. Grey rock his shit until you feel comfortable leaving and leave to wherever the hell you want. He sounds like an absolute mega twat.

Original poster
Someone9 · 05/06/2019 23:54

does he help out with the babies generally, bathing, feeding etc? if I explicitly tell him to feed them he does, but he’d never do it off his own back. He wouldn’t even know if they were hungry, it simply wouldn’t enter his head. He’s never bathed them. In the last few months he’s put them to bed a few times because I’ve gone out so he had no choice but if I’m there he will generally do nothing.

OP posts:
pallisers · 05/06/2019 23:58

when I first had it out with him the DC were three months old and he had still never changed a nappy and had a major strop when I demanded he did.

sorry but that is shocking enough if you had one newborn. It is fucking horrendous when you had twins. All of the guys I worked with who would now be age 70+ and who had high-flying careers changed nappies. My dad did 50 plus years ago. My fil didn't (but he did hire a full time help for his wife instead - I still think he was a plonker - and his wife wasn't impressed either - but he would be close to 90 if alive). Who does your husband think he is? Apart from the imperative of minding your own children, why did he think it ok for the woman he loves to be acting like a drudge and a servant in the house while he swanned on unconcerned?

Not sure I could get back from this tbh but the only thing is I wonder do you only express yourself to him when you become very angry - I can't blame you, you are probably so busy it is hard to find the time until you boil over. Would it be worth scripting out what you feel and expect and will do and saying it to him very calmly. Tell him straight that his terrible inadequacies as a father and a husband left you feeling so alone, exhausted and put-upon that you are going to terminate a pregnancy. This termination would not be happening if he were a more supportive and adequate husband and father and he needs to own that the consequences of his actions are now happening.

I said it before but I am also really curious about whose "fault" the contraceptive failure was. Strikes me he wanted to get you pregnant.

The other thing I'd be tempted to do is tell him you need to go away for a week to clear your head - and go. Don't set up any arrangements or dinners in the freezer or anything just leave him with his children and see how he feels at the end of a week.

Graphista · 06/06/2019 00:29

I think you need to accept that your marriage is over whatever you do and make your decision on that basis.

If you abort and he isn't wanting you to that will likely lead to him resenting you, or if you're not really wanting to abort but do so due to lack of support you'll resent him.

If you keep the baby and in all likelihood he's no better as a husband/father you'll resent him.

Though to be honest why you stayed with him I'm unsure he sounds bloody useless and argumentative with it!

Unless he really starts pulling his weight I'd get rid!

He didn't change nappies for 3 months?! With twins?! And still wouldn't register if they needed fed?!

Genuinely was there no hint of his laziness before you got pregnant?

Seriously get rid of this loser whatever you decide on the pregnancy! He's a shit husband and father!

Loopytiles · 06/06/2019 07:48

God, why have you stayed with him this long?

You were not “getting back on track”, you swallowed a shit sandwich.

oneforthepain · 06/06/2019 09:44

Nobody's that stupid. He plays stupid and makes life difficult for you if you involve him so that you give up and do it all alone. Which is what he wants.

Things only seemed "back on track" because you'd accepted having to do everything solo without challenging him, and had started to find doing it all solo more bearable. When you don't stand up for yourself or challenge him he's lovely, right?

So it seemed calmer and you felt less like you were drowning, but that was all down to you. Nothing about his conduct has changed at all, has it?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

oneforthepain · 06/06/2019 09:53

And nobody sees stuff like this coming. He deliberately would have concealed this part of himself from you before, otherwise you never would have contemplated becoming a parent with him originally, would you? Now he thinks he's got you trapped so he's not hiding it anymore.

It reflects on him, not you. Please don't lay into yourself about it.

You're not as trapped as you feel right now. I know you're stuck in a really shit position with really shit choices ahead of you, but you will get through it and you will find ways to cope with whatever happens next. You will come out the other side of this.