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Original poster

To have an abortion in these circumstances?

214 replies

Someone9 · 05/06/2019 11:33

This week I found out that I’m pregnant. We have 18 month old twins. This pregnancy was very much unplanned (contraception failure) and I’m so very torn over what to do.

Up until a few months ago my marriage was basically hanging on by a thread. It’s the usual cliche I’m afraid, in that DH was utterly useless when our children were born which caused huge resentment. I’d never experienced such loneliness, disappointment and sadness as I did in those early months and walked around with a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly ended our relationship over this but things gradually improved (somewhat) as the DC got a little older so I decided to stay for now and try and make things work and we have been in a much better place of late.

DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this. He suggested getting a cleaner in once a week. I said that’s all well and good but there’s still things that need doing on a daily basis. It’s as though he thinks his penis will fall off if he picks the Hoover up every once in awhile. I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears.

This was three days ago and he’s since acted as though nothing’s wrong. Neither of us have brought up the pregnancy and I haven’t told him yet that I’ve booked an appointment for an abortion next week.

I’d be a fool to go through with this when he’s practically told me he’s going to be useless, wouldn’t I? I’m desperately sad as I always wanted three DC and I know in different circumstances I’d be thrilled about this pregnancy. I’m so worried that I’ll feel eternal guilt/regret if I terminate but on the flip side if I go ahead with the pregnancy and my marriage ends as a result, then I’ll end up as a single parent to three and know I’d struggle to cope.

I’m torturing myself and can’t tell anyone in real life so would really appreciate some insight. WWYD?

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 05/06/2019 12:26

I'd get an abortion and a divorce. He isn't worth it. You can't afford this new baby and you can't afford the energy it takes to manage this failing this relationship. Cut your losses and leave him.

Also, @Someone9 get this thread moved to the Relationships board as @AnyaMumsnet.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 05/06/2019 12:26

If you think it’s right for you and your children at this time then have an abortion. The majority of women who have abortions already have children. Life with two 18 months old must be tough, especially with a DH who won’t pull his weight.

I’m fairly shocked that he didn’t say he would pull his weight but at least he is being honest.

TheStuffedPenguin · 05/06/2019 12:27

You are thinking about having a termination because your husband didn't do enough housework etc to help you the last time? Things that need done on a daily basis ...ummmmmmm things don't always work like that when you have children !

You have told him you are thinking about having a termination unless he can pull his weight ? Blackmail or what ? Wow....imagine if the situation was reversed " My husband has told me to have a termination because I was too lazy/ didn't keep the house clean etc etc "...Shock

He has offered to get a cleaner - is that a start ? ... sounds like you two need to have a serious chat and you need to revise what a house should be like when you have a family . Having children IS devastating to your previous life - there is no doubt about that .

musicmaiden · 05/06/2019 12:28

Your twins will be a lot easier by then and at the age where they can play with each other.

it's hard now but in a few months time they will start to do things for themselves

Has everyone forgotten what it's like to have 2-year-olds or something? They might be more 'independent' and 'play together' but that means they get into everything and need watching like a hawk, and then there's the tantrums, the endless mess, the (often) still waking in the night... I personally could not have got through that stage without the help of DH, and I only had one at a time. That x2 plus a newborn on your own is not for the faint-hearted.

GabsAlot · 05/06/2019 12:28

What is it with some men that they want all these kids but dont want to help

Either way you go op id split with him things wont change

QuentinWinters · 05/06/2019 12:28

I think you should tell him that you want the baby and if he can't commit to practical support you want a divorce. NannyOgg has good advice - if you are married you will be able to claim 50% of all assets inc house and have given up work to raise the children it might be more.

Hearing what he stands to lose should you divorce might shock him into pulling his weight more.

You could suggest counselling to agree a fair division of labour that suits both of you.

TeacupDrama · 05/06/2019 12:29

he won't just get to keep the house despite it being in his name unless it was set up in trust for his children eventually by a grandparent or similar, his children need to be adequately housed , in fact he could end up having to move out with the house sale postponed until youngest is 18+
it just depends whether the sale price would be sufficient to buy 2 smaller properties in which case it would generally have to be sold

user1480880826 · 05/06/2019 12:32

Could you manage 3 young children by yourself? (Financially, physically and emotionally) It sounds like your relationship might not last either way.

I think bringing a child into a bad relationship or potentially no relationship is not a good idea.

IsAStormApporaching · 05/06/2019 12:33

I believe you are able to access counciling before a termination. This would be the best idea for you.
As a previous poster said you have 2 issues an unplanned pregnancy and a strained marriage.
Talking to someone in real life may help separate the 2 issues and help make the best choice for you and you 2 dcs.

PeoniesarePink · 05/06/2019 12:36

You could also be carrying another set of twins......

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 05/06/2019 12:36

I could've written your post when DS was small so I absolutely know how awful it is to have no support form your DH. However I think you'll regret it. You'll hate him because he forced you into it through his sheer laziness. He won't accept that and think you are mad and have aborted his baby for no reason. Your relationship with him will become unworkable and then you'll end up acrimoniously divorced, hating each other and having to deal with each other over the twins for the next 16 years. That will be awful for you and the children.

He'll never admit he's wrong. No one is going to admit they were utterly utterly shit at the most important time of their lives when they are meant to step up to the plate. I'd tell him that you had booked a termination, have decided against it but if he doesn't step up from now on he'll need to go. You might end up divorced but at least you'll have given it your best shot.

MarthasGinYard · 05/06/2019 12:38

'I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears. '

Oh Op I read this and really feel for you.

You will feel resentful if you terminate as you know the reason why.

You will feel resentful and possibly suffer even more if you go ahead and he behaves exactly as he has told you he Will.

The 'cleaner' answer would have been enough for me.

I suggest a sit down with a real thrash out of how you feel. Spell it out.

It's not really been dealt with previously, life just got easier with the natural professions etc.

Good luck

mushroom3 · 05/06/2019 12:38

I would suggest you go and get some independent counselling ASAP. As you are saying you always wanted 3 I would suggest you may regret having the abortion (I know someone who did this and she regretted it forever afterwards and it impacted on the rest of her life) . It depends how strong you are to cope with this a put it behind you. It sounds like in a way the issues in your marriage should be independent to your decision as your marriage may break up either way. You may find the work with three really tough, but you may find the fall out if you have the abortion could also adversely affect your fragile relationship with DH. Good luck with whatever you decide x

MarthasGinYard · 05/06/2019 12:39

'Progression'

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/06/2019 12:42

Surely as a mum of potentially 3 kids you'd get first dibs on the house. ...it would be up to him to leave and live elsewhere

saywhatwhatnow · 05/06/2019 12:42

I think @AiryFairyMum has it right in that they are separate issues.

I fully support your decision either way, but please think carefully about having an abortion to 'save' your marriage. I think you will be bitterly disappointed with the outcome.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 05/06/2019 12:43

Op if you ended up splitting from DH would you regret a termination?
If not, then a termination is a way to go.

But if you would, then have the baby.

Either way, get rid of DH.

dontdoubtyourself · 05/06/2019 12:44

Honestly op hide this thread and do what's right for you. No one is living and experiencing this but you. your thoughts and feelings are valid and you don't need to justify your choices to anyone. Being a single parent is so far from easy and there is no guaruntee that the other parent would have them at all let alone 50 50.

MyInnerAlto · 05/06/2019 12:50

'You can have an abortion in any circumstances and should never feel guilty or judged.'

This from peachgreen upthread. I think this is vital to hold on to. Guilt can so often cloud a clear understanding of what you want.

Your husband should be horrified, utterly horrified - at himself - that you feel driven to terminating what sounds like a wanted pregnancy because you fear with good reason that he is not to be relied upon. I don't like the sound of his response at all. IIWY I would probably be thinking very hard atm about the practicalities of keeping the pregnancy and ending the marriage.

PennyStocks · 05/06/2019 12:56

My feeling is that this pregnancy may end up breaking your marriage whatever you do. If you continue with it and he's as useless as ever, you'll probably end up losing all respect for him either sooner or later and leave as soon as it's viable.

But I feel quite strongly that if you terminate a pregnancy that he says he wants, he may end up using it as a stick to beat you with. Given that under other circumstances it's a baby you would have wanted too, and that his uselessness is the reason you're considering terminating, and that he refuses to accept he's been useless, I think that if he so much as mutters a throwaway remark under his breath about the fact that you chose to terminate a child that he desperately wanted, then all the resentment about what's gone before will resurface and end up tearing your marriage apart anyway.

So I think what you need to focus on in whether you want and can cope with this baby on your own, operating on the assumption that time's probably up on the marriage irrespective, if not now then one day soon.

Good luck whatever you decide. Rooting for you, OP. Flowers

BlackCatSleeping · 05/06/2019 13:00

I've had toddler twins plus a newborn and it is really really hard work. It's easer now they are older, but I just don't even know how I got through those early years sometimes.

My advice is to do what you feel is right.Housework absolutely isn't women's work and he should be pulling his weight. There's no excuse.

Good luck with whatever you decide Flowers

thegreatcrestednewt · 05/06/2019 13:11

So does he pull his weight now? Does he do any household chores?? And if he doesn't, could you bear to live with yourself if you terminated your pg just because your dh couldn't be arsed to hoover and wash up? That's an awful reason.

And can you bear to live with your useless dh for ever? His behaviour must be sucking all the love away.

I think you need some independent counselling. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Someone9 · 05/06/2019 13:17

He won't accept that and think you are mad and have aborted his baby for no reason.

Yes I think you are so right Round, he has never apologised for how things were when the DC were born. If I do end the pregnancy he won’t take any responsibility for his role in my decision.

He did say it was ultimately my decision but I imagine he said that as he thinks I won’t go through with it. When I tell him it’s booked I imagine this will shatter any illusion of support from him as he’s quite vocal about his views on abortion “every child deserves a chance” etc.

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 05/06/2019 13:18

Do you really want your children raised to believe that women are second class and it’s ok to treat them with such disrespect? He’s a vile little pig, I don’t know how you can stand him. Sorry. X

Geminijes · 05/06/2019 13:23

It's not unreasonable for you to have an abortion.

However, if the main reason is because you will have to cope with all the childcare etc on your own as your husband won't help then I think you will end up regretting your decision. Especially, as you have said things are easier now that your twins are older. As the new baby gets older then things will also get easier.

Good luck in making the right decision for you and no one else xxx