To have an abortion in these circumstances?

[Someone9]

This week I found out that I’m pregnant. We have 18 month old twins. This pregnancy was very much unplanned (contraception failure) and I’m so very torn over what to do.

Up until a few months ago my marriage was basically hanging on by a thread. It’s the usual cliche I’m afraid, in that DH was utterly useless when our children were born which caused huge resentment. I’d never experienced such loneliness, disappointment and sadness as I did in those early months and walked around with a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly ended our relationship over this but things gradually improved (somewhat) as the DC got a little older so I decided to stay for now and try and make things work and we have been in a much better place of late.

DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this. He suggested getting a cleaner in once a week. I said that’s all well and good but there’s still things that need doing on a daily basis. It’s as though he thinks his penis will fall off if he picks the Hoover up every once in awhile. I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears.

This was three days ago and he’s since acted as though nothing’s wrong. Neither of us have brought up the pregnancy and I haven’t told him yet that I’ve booked an appointment for an abortion next week.

I’d be a fool to go through with this when he’s practically told me he’s going to be useless, wouldn’t I? I’m desperately sad as I always wanted three DC and I know in different circumstances I’d be thrilled about this pregnancy. I’m so worried that I’ll feel eternal guilt/regret if I terminate but on the flip side if I go ahead with the pregnancy and my marriage ends as a result, then I’ll end up as a single parent to three and know I’d struggle to cope.

I’m torturing myself and can’t tell anyone in real life so would really appreciate some insight. WWYD?

@Di11y

any thoughts on adoption op?

Why on earth would that be an option?? The problem is that she can barely cope as it is with her shiftless husband and her 18 month old twins. How in the world would 8 more months of pregnancy coupled with a hateful misogynist and lazy husband be useful to her? She already has enough on her hands without adding the temporary disabilities of pregnancy to it!

him saying that’s my choice but I’ll have to deal with the “consequences”

So actually he has descended into blackmail now. Poor you. It's such a shame you're being let down like this by the person who should be supporting you the most.

I don't see that adoption is likely to be a viable or sensible choice here. DH will have parental responsibility for any baby as soon as it born, and he doesn't have to give up his parental rights. Imagine how messy that would get.

any thoughts on adoption op?

What's actually wrong with you?

FFS.

any thoughts on adoption op?

There's always one

@Di11y

FFS 🙄

It ended with me saying I’ve made my mind up and won’t be going through with it and him saying that’s my choice but I’ll have to deal with the “consequences” when I asked what he meant by that he wouldn’t answer and stormed out.

So when he says "it's your choice" what he actually means is that he knows he can't physically prevent you from terminating the pregnancy but he's going to make it as difficult and distressing as possible.

Well, it is your choice OP but he needs to take some responsibility for you getting to this point. He was a shit Dad and a shit partner when you needed him most. You've asked for some reassurance that he'll try harder this time and he's refused to give it so what does he expect? YANBU in the slightest for refusing to keep carrying, birthing and raising babies he says he wants but has no intention of actually parenting with you. That's a "consequence" of his choice to be a lazy, selfish arse.

he’s quite vocal about his views on abortion “every child deserves a chance”

This makes me SO angry for you OP doesn't want to look after his own kids but still wants you to have another

Do you mean you won’t be going through with the pregnancy?

Sounds sensible given that your H is such a poor parent and partner, you’re overburdened due to this. and that you have relationship problems.

Three DC would be much harder as a single parent.

You're doing the right thing op.

If every child deserves a chance is he prepared to look after the three on his own?

You have to do the right thing for you, without him, because he will not change, and the children you have who are already here. That's the bottom line. You owe no one an explanation or an apology or any guilt at all.

I think you need to keep your and your two babies who are already born best interests very much to the fore in this decision. Your emotional, physical, psychological, and material best interests. He has declared his intent. He has no intention of stepping up. At least he's been honest, I guess. . . . bah.

Amen, Minister!

YANBU in the slightest for refusing to keep carrying, birthing and raising babies he says he wants but has no intention of actually parenting with you. That's a "consequence" of his choice to be a lazy, selfish arse.

Yes, I agree with everything minister has said. And no, YANBU to terminate a pregnancy for any reason that's important to you. Don't be guilted by anyone, as you're clearly not doing this lightly. But do what you need to do.

You have to do the right thing for you, without him,

^this.

Please don't have a termination because you're angry with him.

Take him out of the equation. Assume you are going to be a single parent. Do you want this baby to be a part of that or not? That's the only decision you should be making at the moment.

what a terrible situation you are in - just because he is incapable of being an adult and a parent.

I know you say things are better now but I wonder about that. Is it just that your rage has died down or that you have got used to things because this bit struck me:

Yes he always leaves decisions regarding the children up to me also so if it ends up to be the “wrong” decision he can’t be “blamed” so to speak. Or he’ll suddenly start giving input when I’ve already gone ahead with something and make me question myself - it’s maddening.

Things get physically easier as kids grow but what you describe above will be disasterous for you in the teen years. Those years often require some intensive parenting and having a useless sidekick who only critiques after the fact would be as enraging as a useless sidekick who does nothing with newborn twins.

Is there any way you could have another conversation with him. It is so extraordinary that a man would have his wife undergo a termination rather than agree to do the things most normal adults/parents do automatically in order to live.

I am also curious about the contraceptive failure - was that on his part I wonder?

I would have a termination in your situation and have done. There are a lot of emotive comments around abortion. Even on this thread? Along the lines of 'You have to live with it' FFS

I won't get into the debate but I sometimes wish people would get a brain and some critical thinking.

Lazy people rarely get better. Even now with my ex for our first dd , he will never drop her off or pick her up or any of those other little inconvenient things. Its all me.

Hugs op. It's your decision. Don't let anyone guilt you either way.

Look up “narcissistic partners” and see how much it resonates with you. He sounds very much like one and it will make a lot of sense.
Also it’s been talked about a lot on MN about what a massive step up in difficulties it is to go from two to three. As a single parent you only have two hands for a start. You literally can’t hold all of your children at the same time when you have three. Then there’s logistics with cars, holidays, bedrooms, shopping trollies, nursery fees, etc etc. I’m a single mum. I’ve one kid. That’s hard enough as it is. Fuck the thought of having three as a single parent (which you will be) - no one would recommend that.

I recently had a termination in similar circumstances. My partner was so useless when our DD was born and so spiteful in the face of my own difficulties that it triggered PND for me and our relationship has never really recovered. I dreaded a return to that.

I don't regret it. I wish you luck with your decision OP. Not much advice but plenty of sympathy.

OP, you are absolutely right to consider all options and have the right to have an abortion if it is what you want. BUT. I haven't had twins, and I can't imagine how hard that is, but I did have children with a useless man and later left him; and my life is so much better. I didn't mean to leave him; I didn't want to leave him; but when I had absolutely no choice, I did, and he is a far better non resident father (in the sense of his value to me, as a co parent, as well as for the children) than he was resident.

If you can stand to think of the long game (really hard with tiny twins and a pregnancy), and you always wanted three, consider this:

3 children at similar ages are demanding in similar ways. Having 3 with the same father simplifies things a lot in terms of his role - he will probably just take them (when he takes them) all at the same time. You'll miss them but it will be blissful too.

your working life will be simpler again sooner, rather than having another one later

There will be no invidious your child / my child stuff as there might be if you remarry and have more children (you can still remarry)

you're married. He is legally responsible for supporting them. Him being forced to maintain the lot of you will be more valuable to you probalby than the non existent support of his presence.

you need to do what you need to do. but you seem to want this child and I think you need to honour that feeling while you decide what to do next. (FWIW - i am totally pro choice and if I got pregnant by my beloved lover now, who is wonderful and an incredible partner, I would not hesitate to terminate - that's just to contextualise what I'm saying to you - you seem wistful for this baby)

I'll disagree with some PPs as to me it reads that you still love him and the relationship was good up until having children when he should have stepped up but he has not. Have you spelled it out for him what exactly your thoughts are? From my experience with my DH you really need to spell it out. Say your marriage is in trouble because if you terminate the pregnancy you'll always resent your DH and if you have the baby and he doesn't help you'll split up as it's too much for you. And that ideal situation is that (if I understood you right) you have the baby, your DH does the following chores:....the DC will grow more independent and you'll manage better and relationship between you both will improve again.

My DH was useless when our DS was born..honestly absolutely useless and I often thought about leaving him as then he'd have to help with childcare and he wouldn't be able to leave it all to me. But we haven't split and things are slightly better now. I can imagine if I fell pregnant again now I'd be in the exact same situation as you.

He doesn't sound useless. He sounds deliberately manipulative and controlling.

I'm sorry, op.

I had a fucking useless husband as well.

He did zero cleaning, cooking and played fucking computer/Xbox all day on mat leave. Whereas I could barely make it up the stairs due to pain/low iron/tiredness. It didn’t matter to him that I was thirsty or hungry or in pain or needed time to rest or do basic things like showering.

He was working an 8 hour day 5 days a week. I was working an 18 hour day minimum 7 days a week as I had a baby who was allergic to naps and refused to be put down.

It’s about the OP’s being a lazy shit and letting OP suffer instead of being an equal partner. He let her down when she most needed him.

Sorry can’t amend my post. OP’s husband is a lazy shit and let her suffer