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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have an abortion in these circumstances?

214 replies

Someone9 · 05/06/2019 11:33

This week I found out that I’m pregnant. We have 18 month old twins. This pregnancy was very much unplanned (contraception failure) and I’m so very torn over what to do.

Up until a few months ago my marriage was basically hanging on by a thread. It’s the usual cliche I’m afraid, in that DH was utterly useless when our children were born which caused huge resentment. I’d never experienced such loneliness, disappointment and sadness as I did in those early months and walked around with a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly ended our relationship over this but things gradually improved (somewhat) as the DC got a little older so I decided to stay for now and try and make things work and we have been in a much better place of late.

DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this. He suggested getting a cleaner in once a week. I said that’s all well and good but there’s still things that need doing on a daily basis. It’s as though he thinks his penis will fall off if he picks the Hoover up every once in awhile. I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears.

This was three days ago and he’s since acted as though nothing’s wrong. Neither of us have brought up the pregnancy and I haven’t told him yet that I’ve booked an appointment for an abortion next week.

I’d be a fool to go through with this when he’s practically told me he’s going to be useless, wouldn’t I? I’m desperately sad as I always wanted three DC and I know in different circumstances I’d be thrilled about this pregnancy. I’m so worried that I’ll feel eternal guilt/regret if I terminate but on the flip side if I go ahead with the pregnancy and my marriage ends as a result, then I’ll end up as a single parent to three and know I’d struggle to cope.

I’m torturing myself and can’t tell anyone in real life so would really appreciate some insight. WWYD?

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 08/06/2019 08:25

I think I'd be trusting your instincts about it being a ploy.

He's got form for doing that to you before to get what he wanted, hasn't he?

DuffBeer · 08/06/2019 09:01

He's now making it harder for you by suddenly trying to be husband/father of the year.

Good that you can see through his short lived efforts.

All the best with whatever you decide. It's a very difficult situation.

Lweji · 08/06/2019 09:43

If he can pull some weight now, what was stopping him before?
Oh, yes, not caring about you.

BishopofBathandWells · 08/06/2019 10:31

He'll use this against you in the long run - he'll claim that he was trying his best and you ignored it because you're selfish. He's a fucker. Supporting you from afar, OP, I've been where you are and it's shite. Thanks

Lweji · 08/06/2019 21:26

You can tell him that if he keeps pulling his weight, properly, in two years or so, then you'll consider having another child with him.

HJWT · 11/06/2019 11:30

@Someone9 hope your ok op ❤️💐

Original poster
Someone9 · 11/06/2019 13:14

Thank you HJWT. I’m sitting in a coffee shop after cancelling the appointment for an abortion.

I dropped my DC to the childminder and drove the 45 minutes to the clinic completely sure I was going to go through with it, but as soon as I parked outside it was like a switch flipped and I knew I couldn’t.

I’m not sure what this will mean for my marriage but I will deal with that one step at a time. There’s a woman feeding her newborn at the table beside me. I got quite emotional seeing that and felt extremely relieved that I wasn’t witnessing it after I had the procedure so I think (hope) I made the right choice.

Thank you all for your kind words and support, I had no one to talk this through with IRL so it has been an enormous help just typing my thoughts out x

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 11/06/2019 13:59

Take your time. You'll figure it all out. Flowers

SenselessUbiquity · 11/06/2019 14:10

Phew. Deep breaths. Well done for making the decision.

Lweji · 11/06/2019 14:23

What matters is that/if you are happy with your choice.

I don't think his behaviour and the fact that you thought it was better to have an abortion because he wouldn't support you properly are good signs for your relationship.
Hopefully, that was the shock he needed to become a better father and partner, but I'd prepare for the worst just in case. Please don't get into a situation where you feel stuck.

septembersunshine · 11/06/2019 14:33

I had three under three op. Hard work but the years soon past and its fantastic now. Doesn't seem like it now but yhey are not small forever. Your twins will be eligible for the 15 or 30 funded hours at two so make sure you have them down for yhe lical nursery and find out what your entitled too...so having the baby, I think, would be ok. The third kind if slots in to family life. And you are already doing the work! Hope it all works out for you op.

Butterflyone1 · 11/06/2019 14:39

I'm so glad you didn't go through with the abortion. It sounds like you're a good mum, you can cope with another one.

There are so many people out their desperate to have a family so having an abortion in your circumstances just doesn't sit right.

There are heaps of single Mums thriving out there too so if things break down in your marriage, you will cope. It won't be easy but it will be worth it for three healthy children.

Lweji · 11/06/2019 14:44

There are so many people out their desperate to have a family so having an abortion in your circumstances just doesn't sit right.

The OP doesn't need the guilt trip.

She (any woman) should do what's best for her and her family. What other families or women go through is irrelevant.

Petitprince · 11/06/2019 14:56

So pleased for you. You can do this. I'm the child of a single mum and she's my best friend.

Elpheba · 11/06/2019 15:18

So pleased for you that you are happy and confident with your decision (and I would say the same whatever you decided)
You sound like an awesome mum so doubt you can do this single handedly if it comes to it, especially if you have a support network you can count on.
Hand holding for future difficult chats with your not so DH.

Goldmandra · 11/06/2019 15:58

I'm so pleased you worked out what was right for you, OP. I was a bit worried for you when it sounded like you were going to make the decision in anger. That didn't feel right.

I think you will do a great job with your children with or without this man in your life. You don't need him to validate you or your family.

Good luck with the remainder of the pregnancy. You deserve some good breaks now.

Original poster
Someone9 · 11/06/2019 16:20

That gives me hope septembersunshine!

You’re right Goldmandra anger was playing a major role in my leanings towards a termination. The extent of that only became clear to me when I was looking at that woman’s tiny newborn and my anger seemed to dissipate.

That brought a smile to my face Petitprince ❤️

Thank you for the handhold Elpheba Smile I’m sure I’ll need it!

Thank you all again.

OP posts:
Igot99problemsbutamintaintone · 11/06/2019 16:41

I think you’ve made the right decision for you, OP, and well done as your situation is very difficult. It sounded from the first post as if you would have torn yourself apart over a termination Flowers

All the very best with the pregnancy and the relationship.

Teachtolive · 11/06/2019 17:13

I have a feeling that whichever way this goes the relationship won’t recover. I’ll either be angry with him for not sharing the workload or I’ll be angry with him that his actions were the catalyst for my decision to terminate

What if it doesn't go either way? What if he actually pulls his weight? Can you talk to him in a non-confrontational manner? Or would a bit of couples therapy help before baby arrives so that you're addressing this on neutral territory? Your relationship can totally be saved as long as he is willing to do his share, but you might have to spell it out that if he doesn't it's on him and hes choosing laziness over his wife.

RussianSpamBot · 11/06/2019 20:50

There are so many people out their desperate to have a family so having an abortion in your circumstances just doesn't sit right.

These two things are entirely unconnected. OPs decision has shit all to do with other women who cannot conceive. Don't link them.

Glad you have come to a decision you feel comfortable with OP. Best of luck.

Metothee · 17/08/2020 15:09

Hi OP

I know it's been over a year but if you feel like sharing I was just wondering how you got on since and if your DH stepped up when the baby was born? I'm in a somewhat similar situation and struggling to decide what to do. Hope it all worked out for you Flowers

ILoveFood87 · 17/08/2020 15:30

It's your decision OP. Your husband sounds useless though. You will find there is much less mess him not being there. The thought of being a single parent is scary but its not as bad as it seems it will be x

2bazookas · 17/08/2020 16:13

I'd be a teensy bit worried about the chance of more twins.

IMO his history disqualifies him from the decision.

Make the decision on your own account, on your gut feeling and what's best for the children you already have. Trust yourself.

maddiemookins16mum · 17/08/2020 16:51

Don’t let him deprive (for want of a better word) you of your dreams.

maddiemookins16mum · 17/08/2020 16:53

Oh just saw this is 14 months old.