This week I found out that I’m pregnant. We have 18 month old twins. This pregnancy was very much unplanned (contraception failure) and I’m so very torn over what to do.
Up until a few months ago my marriage was basically hanging on by a thread. It’s the usual cliche I’m afraid, in that DH was utterly useless when our children were born which caused huge resentment. I’d never experienced such loneliness, disappointment and sadness as I did in those early months and walked around with a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly ended our relationship over this but things gradually improved (somewhat) as the DC got a little older so I decided to stay for now and try and make things work and we have been in a much better place of late.
DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this. He suggested getting a cleaner in once a week. I said that’s all well and good but there’s still things that need doing on a daily basis. It’s as though he thinks his penis will fall off if he picks the Hoover up every once in awhile. I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears.
This was three days ago and he’s since acted as though nothing’s wrong. Neither of us have brought up the pregnancy and I haven’t told him yet that I’ve booked an appointment for an abortion next week.
I’d be a fool to go through with this when he’s practically told me he’s going to be useless, wouldn’t I? I’m desperately sad as I always wanted three DC and I know in different circumstances I’d be thrilled about this pregnancy. I’m so worried that I’ll feel eternal guilt/regret if I terminate but on the flip side if I go ahead with the pregnancy and my marriage ends as a result, then I’ll end up as a single parent to three and know I’d struggle to cope.
I’m torturing myself and can’t tell anyone in real life so would really appreciate some insight. WWYD?