To have an abortion in these circumstances?

[Someone9]

This week I found out that I’m pregnant. We have 18 month old twins. This pregnancy was very much unplanned (contraception failure) and I’m so very torn over what to do.

Up until a few months ago my marriage was basically hanging on by a thread. It’s the usual cliche I’m afraid, in that DH was utterly useless when our children were born which caused huge resentment. I’d never experienced such loneliness, disappointment and sadness as I did in those early months and walked around with a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly ended our relationship over this but things gradually improved (somewhat) as the DC got a little older so I decided to stay for now and try and make things work and we have been in a much better place of late.

DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this. He suggested getting a cleaner in once a week. I said that’s all well and good but there’s still things that need doing on a daily basis. It’s as though he thinks his penis will fall off if he picks the Hoover up every once in awhile. I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears.

This was three days ago and he’s since acted as though nothing’s wrong. Neither of us have brought up the pregnancy and I haven’t told him yet that I’ve booked an appointment for an abortion next week.

I’d be a fool to go through with this when he’s practically told me he’s going to be useless, wouldn’t I? I’m desperately sad as I always wanted three DC and I know in different circumstances I’d be thrilled about this pregnancy. I’m so worried that I’ll feel eternal guilt/regret if I terminate but on the flip side if I go ahead with the pregnancy and my marriage ends as a result, then I’ll end up as a single parent to three and know I’d struggle to cope.

I’m torturing myself and can’t tell anyone in real life so would really appreciate some insight. WWYD?

I have twins and their father turned out to be totally useless and did nothing whatsoever for them or around the house.

I left him when they were 18 months old.

My point would be that having a third child after twins is not the same as having 3 children from 3 pregnancies. DTs will reach landmarks together, eg change school, do exams, a lot of the same parties/events etc & tend to be closer than just siblings.

I met my now DP who wanted children and we agreed from the start to have 2, these facts being contributing factors.

Your twins are still very young and those early years are so tough alone. Can you cope with them and a newborn?

I dont know what I'd do in your shoes but whatever you do is right. Your body, your choice, every time.

Hi Metothee I actually didn't continue with the pregnancy in the end.

I'm not sure if you read my last updates but after cancelling the termination from outside the clinic in the car etc. I went home that evening prepared to have a big talk with my husband and to lay out what I expected from him in going ahead with the pregnancy etc. he came in from work that night and completely ignored me and after playing with the DC for a few minutes left again and didn't return until I was in bed. This continued the next evening even though I tried to talk to him. It was obvious to me then that I couldn't go through another pregnancy with this man so the day after that I rang the clinic and re-booked the abortion.

I have no regrets. A month or so after the procedure, not one but two of my closest friends told me they were expecting and they were due around the same time I would have been. I did have a wobble at this point and had a week where I felt very sad, envious even. However once a week or so had passed those feelings left and I knew I'd made the right choice. I would have struggled so much during covid (it was a struggle even without a newborn) and I would have struggled hugely as a single mum and my other DC would have suffered.

I'm still married and we rub along fine on a day to day basis (it has never ever been discussed and he doesn't know I had cancelled the appointment etc.) but I have a plan under way to leave when the DC are school age (two more years) when I should be in a more favourable position to support them as a single mum.

Sorry you're in this situation too. It's so horrible, the hardest decision I ever had to make. Reading back through all the comments this evening brings it all back and renews my resolve to keep to my exit plan! Mumsnet has been invaluable to me in this regard - the relationships/separation boards etc. so hopefully you will get some good advice on there if needed. I hope you make the decision that's right for you. Take care

Obviously it is completely your choice. However, having had twins myself I would have definitely have terminated if I'd have unexpectedly got pregnant when they were 18 months (and my DP is great). It won't be a popular answer but in your circumstances I would terminate.

I was in the same position once. I was scared stiff when I found I was pregnant when my marriage was on the rocks. I was so scared of how my husband would react. He wasn't best pleased. I totally understand where you are coming from DH. I miscarried and now I only have one daughter, but she would have loved to have had a baby brother or sister.
So no matter how difficult your circumstances are there is another living human being growing in your womb and they are relying on you for their very survival.

There are so many supportive organisations to help you through this, such as Relate, Marriage Care, Life, SPUC. You are more likely to live with regret from having an abortion, than regretting having a new baby.
When you feel super scared, just picture holding the new born in your arms and feel excited about it.

Everything will work out in the end no matter how turbulent the times are now.
Wishing you all the best.

You could of course have the baby and have it adopted

@Nsky The original thread is about 14 months old. decision made.

A very casual suggestion on such a sensitive matter without reading the thread.

Gromit78 really??

An abortion is your choice if you feel a baby isn’t too much have one, don’t feel judged or pressured into a baby you don’t want ! , address your useless partner he needs to pull his weight with the twins ... x I had an abortion at 15 it was the best decision I ever made I was a child and a mistake would have changed my life significantly for the worse and I have now have 3 very wanted children, I had fertility issues later on I still didn’t regret it .. sometimes it’s not the right time x

💐 you did the right thing and your twins are very lucky to have you! 🌸 leave the bastard and don’t ever look back! 😉

I feel so sorry for you OP. It is a tough decision to make and it looks like you might resent or feel guilty for lifelong if you terminate. But as everyone said it’s up to you. Would it help if you can have a heart to heart conversation with your DP regarding how you felt( struggled) after your twins were born and other issues. And if you are planning to go through pregnancy with him, maybe set some boundaries like what would you expect him to do( cooking, putting children to bed etc ) so that you can look after your newborn. I can see there is no easy way out.

I think anyone should only ever have a termination if they are completely sure. I also think (unpopular view alert) that what the father wants should, in a situation where the couple is in a stable relationship and there is no abuse, ordinarily carry some weight, though not more than the mother's.

In your situation, I would not rush into a termination. I would first try to talk to him again and, rather than saying how hurt you felt last time, brainstorm how you can avoid it happening again. If it takes a cleaner/nanny to save your marriage and have a third child, and you can afford it, is it the end of the world if it's not your husband doing it? If he really can't be reasoned with, then think practically about whether you could manage as a single mum. Don't just assume 'I can't', think about what you could do to mitigate the difficulties.

And if after that you're sure a termination is right, go ahead. I just think a termination is always something to think very carefully about because, however unpopular a view it may be, I don't agree that it's just about the woman.

Thank you Princessbanana

💕💕💕

You made the decision that was best for you and your family