To have an abortion in these circumstances?

[Someone9]

This week I found out that I’m pregnant. We have 18 month old twins. This pregnancy was very much unplanned (contraception failure) and I’m so very torn over what to do.

Up until a few months ago my marriage was basically hanging on by a thread. It’s the usual cliche I’m afraid, in that DH was utterly useless when our children were born which caused huge resentment. I’d never experienced such loneliness, disappointment and sadness as I did in those early months and walked around with a physical ache in my chest. I very nearly ended our relationship over this but things gradually improved (somewhat) as the DC got a little older so I decided to stay for now and try and make things work and we have been in a much better place of late.

DH wants to go ahead with this pregnancy but I told him I was considering a termination. When I laid out my concerns about him pulling his weight when the baby arrived he got defensive and wouldn’t commit to this. He suggested getting a cleaner in once a week. I said that’s all well and good but there’s still things that need doing on a daily basis. It’s as though he thinks his penis will fall off if he picks the Hoover up every once in awhile. I had to end the conversation as I could feel all that old anger bubbling inside me and I knew I was close to tears.

This was three days ago and he’s since acted as though nothing’s wrong. Neither of us have brought up the pregnancy and I haven’t told him yet that I’ve booked an appointment for an abortion next week.

I’d be a fool to go through with this when he’s practically told me he’s going to be useless, wouldn’t I? I’m desperately sad as I always wanted three DC and I know in different circumstances I’d be thrilled about this pregnancy. I’m so worried that I’ll feel eternal guilt/regret if I terminate but on the flip side if I go ahead with the pregnancy and my marriage ends as a result, then I’ll end up as a single parent to three and know I’d struggle to cope.

I’m torturing myself and can’t tell anyone in real life so would really appreciate some insight. WWYD?

In your situation I’d have a termination

Financial it would be hard to go it alone with 3 very small dc, what if it’s twins again or the child has additional needs?

I can’t see the marriage working, he isn’t going to change. I’m sorry 💐

Shit OP. I thought my Dh was bad when Ds was young but having read your update -never changing a nappy and never bathing them is beyond awful. Has he just opted out of family life? He sounds beyond awful actually. Can you suggest mediated counselling for you both asap as a condition of carrying on the pregnancy. If a torch is shone on his atrocious behaviour it may bring things to a head and you'll be clearer how things are.

How is your husband with the children, Not the chores? Does he play with them and enjoy them? Might be worth understanding if there’s any sort of depression at work that he could be helped with. Alternatively he could just be a bit of a bugger.

do you have support from your family?

I can't believe a father of twins didn't change nappies for 3 months 😱

I have a BIL who has never changed a nappy and I honestly just think he is a total twat

@elephantmarch I had severe postnatal depression with dd, and managed to change nappies, bathe, feed and care for her as a single mum.

It pisses me off that men are given a get out clause because they’re men and the women will make sure the babies are safe and looked after. It’s just pure laziness and selfishness. Depression is not to blame for that.

Were there not signs that your DH was a sexist pig before you got married then OP? I'm sorry but I could not stay with a man who by default forced me into having an abortion, therefore he would be out of the door sooner rather than later before the resentment of what you are probably about to do really kicks in.

I’m so sorry OP. People have no idea what it’s like having twins if they don’t have them. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. For me it only got harder from 18 months - between 1.5 and 2.5 they were both diagnosed with ASD and other things, and my life has been a constant barrage of therapy, bad news, diagnoses, stress etc

I sincerely hope nothing like that happens to you, but just the thought of having been pregnant while trying to deal with that fills me with horror. What if you / the baby/ one or both twins get sick or develop a problem, can you rely on him to take over everything that needs to be done? If you were hospitalised or in an accident, he wouldn’t cope with the kids you have, let alone another.

And is it definitely only one baby? I am vaguely considering having another now but am terrified of having more twins

DH drives me nuts sometimes but I am aghast at how bad yours was. I don’t know how survived those three months, my DH was so hands on and I still nearly and a breakdown.

The fact that he’s so lazy that he can’t even commit to being a hands on father now is appalling.

Im afaird it is op-classic gaslighting line-youre moaning about him not doing anything when you should be grateful and yes it is pathetic

My sister ended up on her own with 3, on benefits, and honestly has said she wished she’d not had the third. I agree that you need to fully plan out how things look with 3 dc on your own. I know I couldn’t cope with 3, cover childcare costs for 3 but that’s me.

You need to think about finances and find out what you are entitled to either way as your dh is clearly threatening divorce as a consequence of ‘your decision’.

You picked him and married him. It would not be a good idea to abort a baby because of a useless dh.

Living up to your name their, morallybankruptme

You can’t be certain of what sort of parent someone will be until it’s too late. I’d argue that having another child with a man who’s demonstrated that he’s completely incapable of being a parent would be worse than “not a good idea” - it would be irreponsible.

“You picked him and married him”? ODFOD

morallybankruptme you're a bit old school there - you think she should stay because she's made her bed and now she needs to lie in it? Nope. Doesn't work like that in these more enlightened times. Thank goodness.
Hope you're ok, OP.

You picked him and married him. It would not be a good idea to abort a baby because of a useless dh.

Anyone else picturing a mean spiteful little mouth and eyes, and a woman saying 'you made your bed, now you lie in it'. . .

A touch out of date really, isn't it? Positively Victorian. . . definitely Gothic.

Meanwhile, these days, women have the ability to decide that it would not be in their interests or their children's interests, to continue a pregnancy, when they're already stretched in terms of resources and support.

I'm rather glad times have changed, myself.

*there, not their! Must have been outraged to miss that one!

nobody sees stuff like this coming. He deliberately would have concealed this part of himself from you before, otherwise you never would have contemplated becoming a parent with him originally, would you?

I would have ran a mile oneforthepain I felt so duped when they were born. I was so incredibly embarrassed that I hadn’t forsaw it.

My mum is the only reason I didn’t plummet into a really bad place, she was a lifesaver and would come to stay regularly even though she lives three hours away - I know she felt sorry for me and was worried about how I’d cope on my own, which was humiliating but I’ll be eternally grateful to her and she has a fabulous relationship with my DC as a result so there’s one silver lining I suppose!

A second set of twins would be horrifying to me too SinkGirl! I’m sorry you had such a stressful time

Your mum sounds fab. She just sounds like she cares deeply and wanted to help you at a time when you needed it - all of us need help from others at times, it's part of being human.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed or humiliated about. You really don't. Are you always so hard on yourself?

Of all the silver linings you could have, that's a really beautiful one.

@mbosnz fabulous descriptive work there!

NC for this as telling some home truths about my DH.

I'm not trying to excuse your DH at all. Especially as the father of twins, it is shocking that he doesn't change nappies etc. But -- my DH was not very hands on when my DC were small. (No multiples.) Mainly because I was bf, and he felt that they only wanted me. Plus he was working really long hours to support us financially. So I was quite frustrated with him. But he is much better now that they are older. Much more involved with them, much more sympathetic about the challenges of being at home with them.

It's not for me to tell you what to do and clearly your situation is your own. But I feel that you might regret the decision to terminate if it's purely based on your DH's ineptitude. I do believe that people can change and situations can get better. Good luck.

he didn't change a nappy or do a feed for 3months! He is the one that should be bloody embarrassed and ashamed. Not you.
I would consider ditching the deadweight dh. I resent him for you. The only way to save this is to make him pay for a night nanny and housekeeper.
For comparison, my dh actively chose to do the nappies and waved me away because I was bfeeding my single ds. Amongst other things like cooking and tidying up. He also wants to spend time with our kids and misses them when he is away from them.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Perhaps worth talking to your mum?

How are you getting on OP?

Can you go away for a few days or even just a weekend, without telling him? Just leave a note telling him to look after the kids and the house so he knows exactly what you're dealing with. That might give him a bit more understanding of what it's like for you.
As for the pregnancy, make your decision based on what you want for your life and your twins' lives. Same for your marriage.

Nobody's going to adopt such a selfish man.

Hi Flamingo1980, I had the initial consultation today. In order to have an abortion where I live you need to have a consultation with a doctor and then you have to wait a minimum of three days before you can have the procedure. I’m booked in for Tuesday.

I’m still not certain if I’ll go through with it to be honest and have wavered back and forth all week, so I’ll see how I feel after the weekend.

We haven’t discussed it any further but DH has been making a much bigger effort with the DC/ the house these last couple of days. While I can’t complain about that, it seems a case of too little too late and I’m not confident that he’ll keep it up and the cynic in me is wondering if it’s just a ploy...

Nobody’s going to adopt such a selfish man

Nobody’s going to adopt such a selfish man 
Brilliant response