AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

YANBU.

I agree with you.

Her job is the home and the kids so she should do it.

It’s irrelevant whether she’s a SAHM or not. It matters whether or not you agreed between you that she would do it.

You can just put a kid in nursery for a week? How does that work?

I think in your specific situation it was reasonable to assume your wife was arranging the childcare.

However, were you a bit judgy and made her feel really bad about it instead of looking to help with a solution?

Nurseries aren’t usually flexible and allow you to book a child in for a week anyway. It’s not like kennels for a dog!

YANBU.

Does she actually want to go away with you?

You are both very lucky to have the option of a holiday without the DC.

If you are no longer OK with her being AH that’s fair enough, as long as you would do more parenting and domestic work upon her return to work.

Is the three year old normally at nursery? Does she normally organise it? If yes to both then yanbu as (a) she has the time and (b) she knows what to do, if not then it is the job of whoever agreed to do it (or both of your mistake if you both overlooked it).

There are plenty of nurseries who operate a flexi system where you pick your hours for the following month, no set hours if you don't want them

It’s irrelevant whether she’s a SAHM or not. It matters whether or not you agreed between you that she would do it.

^^ This.

It is not 'her job' - they are your children too. Is it 'her job' to wash your skiddy pants too?

However, if you had agreed that she was to organise it and she didn't, then YANBU for being annoyed.

It sounds like the sort of thing someone says when they know they’ve messed up!! So yes, it probably was your wife’s job to arrange the childcare but you could have asked her a couple times around when you booked the weekend away whether she’d arranged the nursery and reminded her when she said she hadn’t.

Would you even find a nursery that will take 2 kids short term like that? Who is having them outwith nursery hours?

That was uncalled for, flowery. Anyway, some nurseries are flexible in offering extra sessions: perhaps not in places like London with pressure on spaces, but in some places.

I agree with you. Shes BU in not having organised childcare.

Our set up is different in that I work part time, but the idea behind that was I took on more responsibilities with the children. It makes both our life easier because neither of us are expected to manage the house/kids on top of a full time job.

A SAHM's job IS effectively to manage the house and kids surely?!

But its for a holiday. It’s holiday planning. I share that with my dh.

Personally it absolutely shits me that my husband can get up and go to work but for me to return to work from mat leave I have to go through months of angst to organise various childcare arrangements to cover their activities etc. It was literally months , and a few nights every week I looked at it. I can’t sit down to my computer during the day at home. I know that’s not the relevant example for you but it might help portray the frustration women feel about organising the childcare. I can’t wait for them all to be at school, and I will tell my dh school holidays are on him to manage. Any days not organised he has to take off. I think I won’t rescue him even if he loses his job for it. I have a job , we will get by. He is employable and he would learn - he definitely wouldn’t lose a job for this twice.

I don’t even know how you would get a place in a nursery for a week.

Actually I shouldn’t have said ‘your wife’s job’ I meant if she normally organises the nursery then she should have rang to check availability but you should also have checked that this was done rather than assume.

(no longer a SAHM but have been)

I can see both points of view. On the one hand, day-to-day childcare decisions fall under her remit usually, so she’d surely be expecting to take the initiative. On the other, your logic that she should have sole responsibility for parenting stuff in the same way that you have sole responsibility for your job seems a bit iffy. Presumably you would have views about childcare decisions anyway, especially something big like who’s looking after them for a week while you’re both on holiday?

Anyway, if this is affecting your ability to go on holiday or not I think you both need to sort out an alternative right now before arguing about whose fault it is.

As they are your (collective) kids then you have shared responsbility. So no it is not the equivalent of your work arrangements.

Just because you work - 40hrs a week? - does not make your wife responsible for the children 168 hours a week.

When the holiday was booked such things should have been discussed and who would do them. Realistically now though they are not booked in so action needs to be taken to sort out the problem. Not a blame game. Maybe you need to look at the whole 'job description' of SAHM and agree what is included rather than assumtions.

Yanbu. It is her job. What is she sitting at home and doing while you are at work. I'm a sahm myself and I would definitely do this. I cant expect my dh to be working and sorting out childcare while I'm sitting at home and doing what.

Missing the point but you wouldn't be able to get a nursery to take kids short term like that. They also need time to settle in. Who would be looking after them overnight?
I imagine it would be very upsetting for 2 small kids who are used to being with their mum to be put into a nursery they didn't know and not even being with their parents at night time.
Does your wife actually want to leave the kids? Because I wouldn't.

Huh?! Is the nursery looking after them all week?

I don’t understand the nursery/holiday relevance.

I agree she should have organised it but I do think there are two issues here quite possibly.
One, she's lashing out because she's in the wrong but won't admit it. Immature but there it is!
Two, she's self sabotaging the holiday because subconsciously, she either doesn't want to go away with you or doesn't want to leave the children.

You’re jointly responsible for the children. She may take the lion’s share because she’s at home with them, but she can’t do everything. If you are expecting her to do everything, that might explain why things aren’t going so well. Some admin tasks are easier for the parent who is at a computer all day than the one chasing down a toddler.

You’re both going on holiday. You’re both responsible for the kids wellbeing while you’re away and you should have had a conversation about who was going to pick up this additional task, not just assumed.

Well I’m not sure how you can just put a child in a nursery for a week? The 3 year old may freak out if he / she is not used to it? So what’s the overall plan for the nights and evenings? Who is actually coming to stay with them?