AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

Sooo many assumptions going on here!

@Symbol

No squabbling, no logistical issues, no risk of not going on holiday.

Clearly the purpose of this thread is to address the question of "AIBU" nothing else. I never once said anything about blame or fault. Simply asking I AIBU expecting this to fall into the remit of a STHM.

Hmm on the one hand I find as a parent my brain is full of stuff I need to do and I forget things, sometimes pretty important things.

It happened when I worked and still happens now I'm a SAHM, possibly more so now as I'm available most of the time I get sidetracked with people popping in, asking favours, which didn't happen when I was in work.

However I have been guilty on occasions when confronted by my husband on why I've not done XYZ of defending my actions with 'well why haven't you done it?' Even if I agreed to do it and know it's totally my mistake.

How old are you?

Are you going to argue all holiday....

“It’s your job to book the restaurant! What do you mean, you forgot to pay for the hire car? Nooo, it’s clause 52b of the SAHM job spec to REMEMBER THE PASSPORTS!...”

I'm with you on this, OP, and don't think you are being unreasonable

She sounds at best, disorganised, and at worst, lazy

@dementedpixie

Literally no difference because I rang my mum and its sorted. I don't remotely care that she didn't do it earlier, like I say, we're going through a bad time, we're both very pre-occupied with everything. Don't blame her at all for forgetting / whatever you want to call it. Clearly I forgot to mention it to her too. The question is AIBU expecting a SAHM to assume responsibility for arranging additional child care.

YABU. Not particularly about the childcare thing but just in general.

@Mysonanddaughters

More capable than us clearly :)

It sounds as though booking the childcare would fall under her remit here but at the same time I can see why she's taken umbringe.

The black and white idea that all of the family responsibility lies on her by default while your responsibilities purely lie at work doesn't work, and is I suspect why she is pissed off.

You don't get to wash your hands of any sort of parental responsibility just because you go to work on weekdays- she is responsible for all that stuff while you are at work but the rest of the time you are in it together, shared responsibility.

Not saying you do wash your hands of any home responsibilities by the way, just saying that might be how your wife perceived it, and why she is put out.

her response was "why should I do it". And I retorted with "because childcare is your job".

It was her job then. She did ask. If it wasn't her job, why did she ask this morning and not leave it to you?
She forgot and now she's trying to pass blame to you.

No OP, YANBU for expecting her, as a SAHM, to assume responsibility for arranging childcare.

Right - that’s the end of that then.

@Safiya7

In fact she just asked ME where her passport is!!

Sounds like you don’t like to pull your weight with the kids/housework.
If you separate everything into “your” tasks and “her” tasks no wonder things aren’t going well.
I am a SAHM not by choice. Yes I do the lions share of the housework, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the children but my husband does a lot on the weekends and when he finishes work. If he didn’t I think I would be divorcing him.
You seem to have the attitude of someone who thinks his job is more important because it’s paid work, whereas because she doesn’t bring in an actual wage hers doesn’t count.
Nothing works like that.
They are BOTH your children, they are your joint responsibility. You should BOTH be able to organise the childcare. It’s not difficult!@

If you’d told me ‘childcare is your job’ and kept going on about it all being ‘your job’ on the day we were going on holiday and making a big fuss when childcare has been sorted pretty easily I’d bloody not want to go on holiday with you.
What a great start to the holiday, can I just suggest you don’t tell her what ‘her jobs’ are when you’re away?

@ustbxh

It is irrelevant whether we think it is an unreasonable belief or not, what matters is what you and your partner think and how you move on from it. Either way the childcare arrangements weren't made in time and you both need to find a way to accept that and move on. There are going to be dozens of challenges like this, particularly if you are both going through a rough spell. Try not to dwell on any one issue but agree a way forward. Relationships are about compromise and understanding, when people in relationships dont see a situation the same way we have to work really hard to try to see things from the others perspective. Be kind to each other.

I could never have imagined going away without my kids. maybe your wife feels the same. It's irrelevant who the sahp is, it's who you both agreed should sort the care.

@SarahAndQuack

Not sure why you think I was making a fuss or that I was put out about this.

The only reason I started this thread, as I said in the OP, was to understand if arranging such things is accepted as being the SAHM responsibility.

Things like this don't generally bother me, If she'd not had an issue with me suggesting it was her responsibility as a SAHM I wouldn't even care. Everyone forgets things and I'm absolutely not perfect in that regard either!

As a few say, she obviously feels it was her responsibility and given she messed it up she wanted to be able to pass the blame somewhere and I only wanted to find out if I really was being unreasonable.

Thanks for all the comments!

I never once said anything about blame or fault.

However, you said "I casually suggested she should have asked them 2 weeks ago". There is nothing casual about that suggestion. That is squarely blaming her for not having asked them.

FWIW I agree with you, whichever parent "should" have been looking after the kids during that time organises the childcare while away and yes she dropped the ball. However in a team, you both pull together to find the solution instead of hashing out whose fault it was. Especially if the solution was as easy as ringing your mum and sorting it.

We once went on a long-haul holiday and got to the airport to find that DS1's passport had less than 6 months left on it and they wouldn't let us fly. I had booked the tickets and checked us in, and should have noticed the dates. Yes it was my responsibility. DH could have, but never said "you should have checked it when you booked the flights" or "why didn't you check it when you checked in" or anything like that. Neither of those things would have been productive and would have just made me even more mortified, upset and furious with myself than I was already.

YANBU she needs to manage the home and children if she doesn't work in my opinion. That's not to say if she forgot then you should be annoyed because that happens but you're right to expect her to have it in her remit in my opinion.

I think lots of people are just automatically up in arms because you've dared to criticise a SAHM.

In general, taking responsibility for your DC is the job of both of you.

However, in this particular circumstance

• the nursery care was to cover care that the SAHM would ordinarily provide (would it be OP's job to find childcare if his DW had decided to go out with friends for the day?)
• the SAHM always deals with nursery related admin
• it's much easier for the SAHM to carry out the task as it simply involves a quick conversation when she's routinely at the nursery.

@ToffeePennie

Hmm that's a very worrying understanding you have of me. I am not like that (I'm sure we can all do more) but I do a lot when I'm around (work takes me away a lot). I do almost all the cooking, we have a cleaner so that's neithers job!, I do a lot of child care when I'm at home, when I'm home she gets lots of free time, I often take kdis out myself, take them to birthday parties etc etc. I'm curious what made you think this!

As a SAHM myself, I am the one that arranges everything to do concerning our 2ds. Whether it's appointments or extra sessions in Nursery for the youngest, as my dh has enough to do with his work. I wouldn't expect him to do anything unless I asked him to arrange something.

well, do you know where her passport is, perhaps it's with yours. Where is your passport.
It really sounds like she doesn't want to go.
In all my 30 years of being a sahm my dh has never said that anything was my job. Although, obviously he expected me to take care of dc when he wasn't there. The same as he took care of them when I wasn't there.

@RomanyQueen

No, definitely not the case here. She goes on holiday with her friends and leaves the kids and weekends away etc. Definitely no emotional issue with going away for a few days.