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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

544 replies

ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:17

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 04/06/2019 11:48

Instead of wasting time, trying to build up some kind of guilty case against your wife on social media, why don't you ask her if she still fancies the holiday a deux, then figure out between you a rapid plan B for child care - or contact the insurer and see if you can recoup the holiday cost.

BlackCatSleeping · 04/06/2019 11:48

Also, I agree that as the poster posted about 2 weeks ago that his wife wanted to divorce him, I'm guessing he's not exactly being honest about this situation. It makes no sense about the nursery thing if they are going away for a week. This is all coming across as quite manipulative.

PeoniesarePink · 04/06/2019 11:49

Given that you are going through a bad patch, do you think she doesn't want to go and hasn't arranged childcare to avoid it?

That was my first reaction from reading your post tbh.

HomeMadeMadness · 04/06/2019 11:49

This all sounds a bit odd. The SAHP usually sorts most of the admin but I'd expect the working parent to help too (unless they work extremely long hours). If you'd agreed that your wife would sort nursery then yes she should have and it sounds like she's forgotten - it happens. If you hadn't made an agreement between you then you should have and that's why this has happened.

The way you're talking about her though sounds like a manager talking to a new 16 year old employee which might be way she's being defensive.

BlackCatSleeping · 04/06/2019 11:50

Ok, crossed posts with the OP.

I think you need to talk to your wife.

LittleRedMushroom · 04/06/2019 11:51

Hmmm......
Guessing your user name stands for 'unreasonable soon to be ex husband'?
I think that's probably the issue here.

llangennith · 04/06/2019 11:52

YANBU. As you say, as a SAHM childcare and it's arrangements are part of her job. I know you're annoyed, I would be too, but try to move on from this and cut her some slack so you can both enjoy the holiday with her feeling defensive.

Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:52

@SarahAndQuack

Im absolutely not upset about this. I found it relatively funny when she came back from nursery this morning and told me (we go away this afternoon). Logistically it's not an issue as we have enough family / friends to make it work, it's only half a day. It is the accusation that it should not be her job that I have the issue with.

OP posts:
Symbol · 04/06/2019 11:53

I don't really get what the point of this thread is. What does it matter whose fault it is? What matters is how to fix the problem. Can you find alternative childcare? Can you bring the child with you? Or rearrange the holiday to a time when you can get childcare? This holidayvsounds like no fun to me. The pair of you squabbling over whose fault the childcare problem was. Why go on holiday with someone you don't like? Why leave a child who does not go to nursery in a nursery for a full week without even a parent to come home to at night? What a stressful week for a young child!

murmuration · 04/06/2019 11:55

Xpost. Are you sure it was clear whose responsibility it was? It sounds like you might have thought so, but she didn't. Although it seems a bit cross purposes to think you'd both do it - it really seems something that should have been discussed at the time of planning the trip. Might you be able to spread blame on this by saying something like "we both should have made it clear at the time - I shouldn't have just assumed you would do it, but you shouldn't have assumed I would do it - someone should have said something to other".

dementedpixie · 04/06/2019 11:55

So all this moaning is about an extra half day not being booked at nursery? What difference would that half day make?

Mysonanddaughters · 04/06/2019 11:56

This reply has been deleted

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BlueThang · 04/06/2019 11:56

Yes it makes sense that she should have sorted it out given that she's doing drop off and picks up at the nursery and deals with them on a regular basis. Plus it sounds like it was agreed that she'd sort it out. I am a SAHM and nearly everything to do with the children falls on me to do, but then I expect this given my dh's very anti-social working hours and huge demands of his job. So from this angle YANBU (although reminding her every now and again would have helped. I often remind my dh of things he needs to do and vice verse because when we're both busy it's easy for things to slip to the back of our minds).

However, you sound ridiculous for comparing your job with parenting. You taking responsibility for booking your kids into childcare is nothing like your wife trying to do some filing at your workplace. You're both the children's parents and both have a responsibility to them. I'm not sure if you really are a pig or if you're just not expressing yourself well but I can imagine that if you are talking to your wife in this way then this has contributed to her feeling defensive.

GreenTulips · 04/06/2019 11:57

So who’s don’t all the washing ironing and packing? Who booked the holiday? Who sorted the children’s clothes and other childcare arrangements?

RogersVideo · 04/06/2019 11:59

I'm a SAHM and would have done it, but DH and I would also have discussed the holiday arrangements for the children together and established that I would be booking extra nursery days.

As you've found, assuming without discussion is a bit risky!

Mysonanddaughters · 04/06/2019 12:00

The children are being looked after by capable people I assume.

Tinkobell · 04/06/2019 12:00

Oh right. Blimey. All this hot air just for an afternoon off. Big deal. In the time it's taken for you to respond on this thread you could've had it sorted. By the way, you sound pompous and up your own bottom.

Thehop · 04/06/2019 12:00

In this instance she should have done it.

Safiya7 · 04/06/2019 12:01

Well I think if she’s the one doing nursery drop-offs and pick-ups in the main then yes, she should have sorted this. My DH wouldn’t even have been aware of what days our DC went to nursery or what the set-up was at that age. He was in a different headspace so I couldn’t have relied or expected him to have anything to do with nursery arrangements or such issues. However, I also know that sometimes things just skip your mind and I’m sure this is what has happened here. What’s done is done. No point in playing the blame game now. Move on and try and focus on going away.

SarahAndQuack · 04/06/2019 12:02

YY, agree with others. You're making an enormous fuss about this, and if you're not upset you're not doing a very good job of showing that.

You sound most put out that she didn't do this. Ok, sure, if she agreed to do it, it's a little annoying, but it doesn't even sound like anything but a mistake.

You can't expect her to do everything just because you work 9-5.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2019 12:02

Thats really not right. If you're returning to work then there's literally no distinction between you and your husband and he has equal responsibility to everything family and child related.
Not quite as I’m at home until I start back at work, and just about all the organising needs to take place while I’m on mat leave. It is however very stressful and because I’ve been the contact person to organise I have somewhat stayed that way, which is why I shall start with a clean slate come school holidays.
Your comparison of booking leave and arranging extra nursery doesn’t wash though. Booking leave for most people is a 10 second job , I don’t even include it on to do lists and I’m pretyy manic with regards to those. Arranging any additional childcare is however a task. It’s so much more work I just took last Thursday off as I’m so over arranging childcare and booking leave is so much easier.

Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 12:02

@BarrenFieldofFucks

I've obviously not explained the situation well.

I hoped to get opinions without full details but seems SAHM is a very contentious topic!

So she ways deals with nursery. It's clearly her responsibility in our family to arrange such things. We've spoken about the need to book him in a few times recently. As someone said, I am maybe getting divorced...Who knows....

We weren't going to go on this holiday, her choice not mine, and then 2 weeks ago she decided she'd go.

She said this morning after dropping DS at nursery that they were full on Friday and couldn't have him in the morning (he already goes in thr PM). I laughed at the irony as its the only time ever they've said no and rang my parents and it's all sorted. I casually suggested she should have asked them 2 weeks ago and her response was "why should I do it". And I retorted with "because childcare is your job".

Besides that, I feel we're being somewhat judged for going on holiday without our kids.... Really?

OP posts:
Cath2907 · 04/06/2019 12:03

I am sorry but I am with you. Whoever normally looks after the kids / sorts out nursery etc.. should arrange their additional time at nursery if needed. Yes you could possibly have done it but I assume it is your wife who calls in if kid is too sick to attend and who has all the detials to hand and who drops off / picks up - it seems totally natural that she do it.

Had she asked you to do it and you'd said "no it is your job" that would be rude, uncalled for and shitty. However the fact that she didn't remember after agreeing to do this isn't your fault.

UnicornBrexit · 04/06/2019 12:04

Yes OP you are correct the 'H' bit in stay at HOME does relate to the err running of the home which includes family. If she'd like to get up and work for a living instead of being supported then you can sit down and delegate the parenting bit back to her and see how she likes "them eggs"

fairweathercyclist · 04/06/2019 12:05

I feel we're being somewhat judged for going on holiday without our kids

Not at all.

But it does seem like a lot of fuss over a half day that can be covered quite easily. Will this matter in a week's time? If not, forget it.

Anyway enjoy your time away, the kids will be fine, and hopefully you won't be getting divorced.

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