AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

Yeah, this thread does feel like “me, me, me”. So, the OP is the best husband ever and his wife has this lucky privileged life, yet she isn’t happy and more importantly to the OP, she isn’t grateful.

Despite doing your best to paint yourself as the “nice guy” here, you still aren’t coming across as very nice. Nice people don’t keep tabs of their nice deeds.

I think you need to establish why your wife didn’t book the childcare. What is she trying to tell you?

I don’t think OPs wife was trying to tell him anything. He said quite clearly on page 3,

Nursery is usually very flexible. We regularly pop him in additional time, this is clearly just bad luck that they are full that particular day

Why she was expected to be some sort of clairvoyant and know nursery wouldn’t have a place this time is baffling. Why OP felt the need to say something along the lines of “well if you’d done your job and sorted it earlier” I’m not sure but having read his posts on this thread he does sound unkind and have rather antiquated ideas.

Bloody Hell, I had no idea my EXH had remarried.
The sooner you divorce your DW the sooner she can get on with actually enjoying her life without you making her feel like something the cat dragged in 24/7.
It's a no brainer really. Get a divorce and let her be happy.

I guess what I mean is that the wife doesn’t seem very happy. Why is the wife so unhappy? The OP doesn’t seem to care about her happiness beyond the financial issues. There’s no empathy there. There’s no concern. It’s just “I give you everything and you’re so ungrateful”.

I don’t think this is just about the wife forgetting to book childcare. This is about an unhappy marriage.

Just do it Op. Divorce the lazy bitch who does nothing, apart from cook, clean and look after YOUR DCS.
she's obviously dragging you down and you can be free to go and find yourself a high flying, big earning and, most importantly, full time working outside of the home, executive who has the earning power to pay for a cleaner.
Does that cover all your needs/requirements?

Ffs it is a privilege and in mn style a luxury for her to be a sahm op but it is or should be a luxury for you too.
I would in your eyed be a sahm like you wife as my self employment doesn't esrn enough to have a tangible effect on fsmily finances.
However, dh doesn't have to rush home from work to pick kids up or take themto their afterschool activities and a whole host of stuff I do.
If I worked ge would have to do hslf of all of this.
So actually we both have nice life compared to a couple in full time work.
Or we did until his health deteriorated.

Really should preview posts.

OP how's your holiday going?
Have you used this opportunity to try and reach out to your wife?
How does she feel about the excessive time you've spent on the internet? Do you know?

I've read all of your posts and you're still dim, as you completely missed my point. You're fixated on your own views (and money, it would seem- thanks for sharing your salary with us all, we are very impressed ).

'My wife decided she liked another house'- blaming again. Taking no responsibility for the role you played in that, which was the biggest one since you're the high earner. Or did the big, bad, workshy wife force you into it? Of course.
It's clear the end of your marriage is directly to do with your distaste for your wife and resentment at working, when she gets to 'see her friends and go to the gym'. Not her 'childhood issues' (for god's sake, please do not probe her on this subject, she needs an objective third party to talk to about this who can trust and who will not use it as a stick to beat her with).

This is just horrible.

This thread is the perfect example of how even if you trying to dig upwards, you're just gonna keep going deeper and deeper into that hole.

I wonder if OP has ever seen the film 'The War of the Roses'? Can't think what made me think of it. . . does anyone else remember it?

I'm a SAHM to 2 adopted DDs. Getting a job isn't an option for me, because DD1 (now 10) has SEN and has always needed appointments at the hospital for her eyes and hearing problems and we've been pushing for help with her other issues. She recently had 10 weeks of therapy.

It would be very hard for us both to work as we have our younger DD2 (7) to take into account as well.

We don't worry about whose job it is to book childcare or any other child-related issues. We both adopted them after all.

Your problems clearly go much deeper than childcare and holidays. The resentment of your wife is very clear in your posts. It sounds as if she's had a horrendously difficult time coping with her awful childhood (I know a lot about this, suffering from PTSD as a result of my childhood SA), and she needs to have you in her corner. I have that from my DH; he certainly doesn't understand what I've been through but he does his very best to support me.

If you're not able to do this, then she may well be right to want to end the marriage. I know it's hard for my DH at times, so I'm not surprised you're struggling, but your marriage won't survive if you go on resenting your wife.

Honestly, from his posts the OP sounds like a typical narcissist. I know he will feel this is unfair, but even the comment about loving therapy ties in with this.

Studying for qualifications while looking after two kids while your husband is away on business a lot is a huge achievement. Kudos to the wife, but barely an acknowledgment from the OP. Starting your own business when you have small kids is also a huge achievement, but this is dismissed as irrelevant. The OP acknowledges he has faults, but in all his posts he has never told us what they are. Yet, we all know his wives faults. We know all his resentments.

The fact he has argued with every poster on here over the last few days just shows what he is like, and we do not live with him.

So, again OP, how is the holiday going?
I hope you've realised that spending most of your time defending yourself on this thread is exhausting. Perhaps its a little glimpse of how your wife might feel. You make your little snipes and she feels like she has to justify or defend herself...
I

@hopingforhappiness

Its very pleasant and nice thank you. As I said earlier, I have learnt a lot on this thread. I don't agree with a lot of it but some key points I definitely do and it's been insightful to the other side of a SAHM.

So, what insights have you had?
How is your wife enjoying her time with you?

The other side of SAHM

It sounds like we are from the far side of the moon 🌓 Some weird alien species op is communicating with.
Op you really HAVE to work on your tone buddy. Our Alien shackles are rising again!

“The other side of SAHM.....”

Roses, I agree. You’d think we were on Star Trek or something.

There are lots of issues I our marriage, that's very clear.

A few years ago, when I took a job working away to be able to earn the money required for a SAHM with everything else, my wife used to be very resentful about me going away because it stopped her going to thee gym. There was a clear disparity between her wants and the consequences of her wants. We worked that out and she slowly realised that her wants were a direct cause of her issues with my job.

My wife was always very clear that going back to work was not an option and thus I should earn an appropriate salary (which is in the remit of my skills).

To put some clarity here though, if I did the job at a 9/5 local company I'd earn at absolute best 50% of what I earn now working away.

There are comprises all round but it feels the majority SAHM have no appreciation of the sacrifice their significant other makes. Going to work is absolutely easier. But being a sole breadwinner with all that responsibility is very tiring and draining, regardless of the actual work.

"There are comprises all round but it feels the majority SAHM have no appreciation of the sacrifice their significant other makes."

Based on what, exactly? Your own experience of your one wife?

Well, I'm a single parent, so I think I can see both sides of this issue.
Going to work is absolutely more restful than taking care of my son. I love him and never regretted having him, but I do think that working a job is nowhere near as exhausting as taking care of young kids.

So, I can imagine your wife thinking, "jeez, I know I'm responsible for most of the housework, but do I have to do everything ?

I think you're both at fault here. Clearly you need to communicate more and to have an honest talk to determine what's best for both of you.

Also, I dunno how much money you make, but try to hire someone 24h/day. Even at minimum wage... What's minimum wage ? Let's say 10 bucks/hour. That's 240 bucks per day. Or 87600 bucks per year. At a super low rate, because I think most baby sitters charge more than this (let's not even talk about night rates !!). And if you throw in the housework...

I'm pretty sure your wife's contribution is not worth less than yours.