AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

Not surprised you're getting divorced. You sound really condescending.

You sound angry and resentful.
If the alternative childcare for that session was simply sorted out with a phonecall from you, and nothing is preventing your holiday then what is the big deal?
It clearly wasn't a case of no nursery session no holiday, you had a ready alternative, so whilst it was less convenient it cannot have been ultra imperative that she booked something so I think you are over reacting and just having a go at her.
Its about more than the nursery session - its about her being a SAHM and your definition of what you think her duies are . You sound like her employer - not her partner and it is not surprising how she reacted as you were addressing her with that attitude.

A lot of people don't give equal weight to the tasks a SAHM does and because they are not around to see it, value their own time and labour more highly - so sometimes when criticised for "not doing their job" its difficult for a SAHM to give the critic a list of all the things they do, without being derided for those tasks which are deemed unimportant in comparison with real paid work.
Two weeks is not a very long time to book a nursery childcare place. Nurseries fill up quickly and if the place is gone - its gone. Nothing she can do about it. Alternative childcare easily booked so why have such a go at her about her "duties".
You are both parents and both responsible for your children, was what I think she was trying to say. YABU.

It’s impossible to tell if you nitpick about everything OP.

Do you do what my DH is prone to doing which is leave a list of things he thinks should be my “priorities” on a given day - eg, book this, book that, research x,y,z” - and then be in a huff if one of these so-called essential tasks is not done in the day because I do actually have a different set of priorities on my own mind.

If you are like this, please try not to be because it’s annoying. Try and get your holiday off in a good footing.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

You will get slaughtered op, and rightly so!!! Brace yourself.

Your children aren't "her work" in the same way your job is "your work" for goodness sake!!!! You both decided to bring children into this world, so you both parent them.

It's a bit like her saying she won't do housework because she doesn't "own" the house (in accordance to you bleating on about being sole earner)

I disagree with the majority.

You asked-
"The question is AIBU expecting a SAHM to assume responsibility for arranging additional child care."

I say YES -YABU

Why? Because your job (work) finishes at 6pm or whenever you leave the office. As a SAHM, her job is 24/7 and that isn't fair. She doesn't ever get to stop. You do. You do simple things like go for a 30min shit in peace. She can't. She is constantly on the go and thinking ahead.

She is doing more work than you. She is not only managing the children, she is managing the home AND your lives.

You aren't giving her enough credit. You assume she has lots of free time and forgetting to do this was because she was skiving. Wrong. She is probably overwhelmed and forgot because she is the one arranging everything else.

If you feel otherwise, why don't you send her away from a weekend and you do 2 full days in her shoes and see how unreasonable you actually are.

I'm a SAHM. I would very much think that sorting the childcare in that scenario was my responsibility. I'm the one who would have been at the nursery every day - why wouldn't it be my responsibility?

@Safiya7

No,absolutely not! I've never ever left her a list of anything in my life! She's more than capable of knowing what needs to be done and doing it, 99.9% of the time.

I don't think I've ever been in a huff about anything my wife forgot to do or did wrongly or anything like that.

It sounds like you both need couples counselling not holiday without the kids, it sounds no fun at all.
For the sake of your children either sort it out or split up, it sounds like you are both incompatible.

Ok well fair enough.

Why are you worried about divorce though? (Don’t answer if you don’t want to get into it).

@differentnameforthis

This has absolutely nothing to do with parenting.

Parenting is absolutely a joint effort.

Sorting something with nursery for an additional morning session is not parenting. It's childcare admin.

And besides the fact we have a cleaner, I don't expect her to do anymore house work than me beyond washing kids clothes. It's our house, she does own it, and cleaning the house is not really part of SAHM, although I get a lot of SAHM would do it.

" She's more than capable of knowing what needs to be done and doing it, 99.9% of the time."

^ This ^

I thikn you need to step aaway from this now OP. It's just sounds lie a silly argument. I'm guessing the nursary has never been booked up before so she didn't think to arrange it sooner.

Have a good trip and try to resolve your differences.

99.9 per cent is an outstanding efficiency record.. so she slips up 0.01 per cent of the time?

@Fannybaws52

Interesting set of assumptions

She doesn't ever get to stop. You do.
She gets 1.5 days a week plus as much time on a weekend as she wants.

You assume she has lots of free time and forgetting to do this was because she was skiving.
My wife might be a lot of things, but lazy is definitely not one of them. She has 1.5days a week without the kids but she is generally busy doing stuff which she csnt do with kids. I don't think I've ever thought my wife was "skiving". Wow.

If you feel otherwise, why don't you send her away from a weekend and you do 2 full days in her shoes and see how unreasonable you actually are.
I do. She was away a few weekends ago for a night, away a couple weekends before that for 2 nights, away last year twice on holiday with her friends.

I actually can't believe that because I dared to ask if it was unreasonable to ask if a SAHM has a responsibility that I am seen in such a bad way.

Rule of thumb: if it’s beyond the remit of what a paid nanny (7am-6pm, 5 days a week) would do, then it needs to be agreed between the parents (ideally split equally).

Included: children’s laundry, children’s meals, daily household tasks, child activities.

Not automatically included unless by consent: every single bloody thing relating to children and household, night shifts, life admin

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Her life admin skills are top notch. Literally no complaints at all, and as I've said, no complaints about this slip up either. That's not the purpose of this thread.

Compared to my other posts on here, I've seen a much darker, less supportive, more vindictive side of MN today.

People are responding to your OP we dont know that she has a cleaner goes on holidays etc etc but you do check your blinkers for a second read your first post from a strangers point of view

A balanced couple, reasonably forgiving, would have a 10 min blamestorm then forget about the whole thing and resolve it together. It’s a mistake in both your parts.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? You’re at the ‘you can only pick one of these’ stage in your marriage and starting this thread was a very very bad idea.

I agree with @flowery, the SAHM part is irrelevant.

It just seems like such a minor issue I'm not sure why you've drawn it out into such a drama. Next time a holiday or something out of the daily routine comes up you should plan between you exactly who is going to do the extra admin. In this case something got forgotten but it wasn't the end of the world.

The fact that instead of just sorting it out as a team you've made an entire thread about it, basically seeking to place blame on your wife suggests that you're dissatisfied with the current arrangement. The priority should be discussing this between you and sorting things out not assigning blame.

Have you tried some couples counselling OP? It could help? In your latter posts you sound reasonable enough to me. Sounds like she is a great mum and you are both actually supporting each other in practical terms, but there is some underlying resentment, maybe from her side or from both? Try six sessions with a therapist -it can work wonders to get you to hear each other and not get defensive by default.

The question is AIBU expecting a SAHM to assume responsibility for arranging additional child care.

But that's just not an answerable question!

Some families will organise things so that the SAHP does this, others will not. It's personal. You might as well as whether you should expect the SAHM to organise everything to do with the car, or to do all the DIY, or to be the main cook, or to be the person who renews the house insurance.

Of course a SAHP will probably do some or all of these, but it'll be different for each family, because at the end of the day there are more tasks involved in running a household and raising children than one partner ought to be doing, if that person has a partner working 9-5.

@HomeMadeMadness

I'm not sure where all this blame stuff is coming from.

My only question was if I was unreasonable to expect my wife to arrange childcare.

Having reread my op I do see the confusion that it looked like I was talking about a full week of childcare.

The issue we have is that I said that I felt it fell into the remit of a SAHM and she went a bit crazy at me. I never once blamed her or every critiqued her for the mistake. As I've said, the half day childcare is really irrelevant. I wanted advice on the general opinion of if I was being unreasonable for suggesting that arranging additional childcsre at his nursery fell into her role as a SAHM.

I have no ill feelings, issues or other negative thoughts or opinions that she forgot to do this / did it too late.

“I laughed at the irony as its the only time ever they've said no”

Op I think I’m missing something here. How is it ironic that the nursery said no? (Irony is actually nothing at all like rain on your wedding day.) It’s an interesting choice of words and I’m wondering if it reflects additional issues or events that have led to your feelings. Was your laugh friendly and commiserating or was it laced with traces of nastiness? What was so funny?