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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

544 replies

ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:17

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

OP posts:
Illberidingshotgun · 04/06/2019 11:37

Who usually drops him and picks him up from nursery? Surely that person would be the one to talk to staff about the additional hours required ?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 04/06/2019 11:37

You are correct. Being at work was way, way easier.

Nonsense.

romeoonthebalcony · 04/06/2019 11:38

communication overall sounds the problem rather than deciding who is BU. All it needs is a sit down and a friendly chat once you've decide to go on holiday as to what needs to be done and who will do what.

Deciding on who is BU rather than giving thinking time to how to communicate better and not resent each other is taking you down the wrong path...

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/06/2019 11:38

No its not her job to wash my clothes! Her job is to provide care for our children, I arranged my leave from work, I see it as her job to do the same for her job (aka looking after our children)

Oh OP, I was fully on side until I read that. Yes, personally I would expect her to arrange the nursery BUT your statement about is a bit shit, it's not "her job" to get leave from your children, I mean come on, it's much easier to fill in a holiday form than it is to sort out childcare. You sound like a decent chap but seriously, think about how you word things, as if I were your DW and you said that to me I would be seriously pissed off.

mindutopia · 04/06/2019 11:39

I think it's your collective job to ensure that it is done. It does make more sense for her to be the one doing the admin work of arranging it, but I think it's more part of holiday planning rather than childcare planning as it isn't part of her usual arrangement. So you both hold responsibility for the mental load of it, even if yes, it makes sense for her to do the actual contacting if she is the one who usually is the contact point for your nursery. The fact that you forgot too doesn't totally excuse you. It would be different though if you had followed up with her about it, she said she had done it, and then you didn't feel the need to raise it again, even though she had never actually done it.

I'm not a SAHP, though I have been, but I would never assume that my husband thought I was the sole person responsible for arranging childcare. I would assume it's a collective decision and one I would discuss with him as it affects both of us. So it really is ultimately your collective responsibility, even if yes, it's probably easier for her to have just sorted it out.

GreenTulips · 04/06/2019 11:40

Why don’t you stop finding blame and get proactive in arranging some form of childcare between you?

Blame doesn’t help in these situations

Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:40

@Janus

Why not "her job"? I'd never claim my wife didn't work. Her job is a SAHM. If it's not a job, what is it?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 04/06/2019 11:40

OP...I understand that you're a bit pissed off, I think I would be too. But honestly, on this thread you're coming across as a bit bossy and unpleasant. I'm sure it was probably just an oversight and she's too proud to fess up. But I for one wouldn't respond well to the whole expectations way of talking down - maybe that's just me!

BlackCatSleeping · 04/06/2019 11:41

I arranged my leave from work, I see it as her job to do the same for her job (aka looking after our children)

You sound like a bit of a dick. Have you never heard of empathy?

There must be a reason she didn't do it. Is she overwhelmed, stressed, just forgot? What's going on with her? Is she ok?

Relightmyfirepit · 04/06/2019 11:42

feathermucker Smile

Tinkobell · 04/06/2019 11:42

"Your job....my job" this isn't very nice. Quite adversarial don't you think? I have 27 years of good marriage behind me. I'm a SAHM with two teens about to fly. Me and DH have always mucked in together and see our efforts as a team thing...not "your job" "my job".

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/06/2019 11:43

Jesus people are quick to jump down OPs throat- he’s not claiming his wife should do everything in the house and all the childcare all the time.

She should have arranged it I agree with you OP

GreenTulips · 04/06/2019 11:44

Me and DH have always mucked in together and see our efforts as a team thing...not "your job" "my job"

Well quite - apart from the bins - definitely his job

flowery · 04/06/2019 11:44

OP did you agree between you that she’d do it or not?

keepingbees · 04/06/2019 11:44

I would think whoever does the usual nursery run would logically be the one to book it whilst they were there.
But it's not automatically her job no. It was a holiday arrangement for your child which was both of your concern. You are equally as guilty of not booking it or at least making sure it was booked. It's not easy being a sahm to whom everything falls to remember.

Safiya7 · 04/06/2019 11:44

ust - I think you need to give more context here if possible.

Who is actually coming to look after the DC while you’re away?
Will the extra half day matter to them?

I’m a SAHM and we have 3 DC. I do everything related to homework, school support / making sure DH has school events in his calendar. I wouid say I do 90% of emotional support for the DC. We have a cleaner several times a week, but I do all laundry, take DHs clothes to dry cleaners - even buy his clothes mostly! Also I do 99% of cooking, even on weekends and deal with gardeners and general house stuff. I do all the food shopping too. So when you add all this up, DH has nothing to do when he comes home apart from communicate with his family.

If your wife is in a similar set up, I’m sure she’s doing her best but sometimes you just forget something. It happens to us all.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/06/2019 11:44

it's much easier to fill in a holiday form than it is to sort out childcare

Not if it's at a current provider. She should have asked at drop off or pick up. Perhaps confirmed with an email. It's different if you are phoning around family and friends in an emergancy.

OP yanbu, I think your DW has effed up and is cross and deflecting. Why do you think she forgot. If I'm organisnig a holiday and i'm pretty on it. Does the nursery not normally get booked up?

RussianSpamBot · 04/06/2019 11:45

When you say she was supposed to do it, was this arranged and agreed clearly between the two of you? Or that you think she ought to have? Doesn't seem very clear which.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 04/06/2019 11:45

Honestly? You don't sound like you like her very much. And I am suspicious of chaps who bring this sort of thing to MN because it smacks a little of hoping the wife will read it.

TBH, she probably should have done it. But it sounds a little like you jumped on her when the oversight was realised and she has gone on the defensive, pointing out that you could have done it too.

Much like I may ask DH if he has booked the day off for something yet, you could have spoken to her about it before.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 04/06/2019 11:45

Of course she should have done. Don't feel guilty.

Karigan195 · 04/06/2019 11:45

personally in our family we write a little list and discuss things that need doing. You’re both to blame imho because you could have talked about it and checked what was happening not just presumed and expected. I check with DP if he’s got the time off sorted when we’re going away. He checks with me if he gets there first.

Total lack of communication going on here is the problem not what is who’s job.

LittleRedMushroom · 04/06/2019 11:46

You just can't get the staff these days, can you?
I'd fire her and get a new secretary/nanny/general dogsbody.

Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:47

Okay some clarification is obviously needed!

  1. 3yo usually goes to nursery 1.5days/week. Nursery is usually very flexible. We regularly pop him in additional time, this is clearly just bad luck that they are full that particular day AND she forgot to ask them earlier.
  1. Her mother and my parents are looking after the kids this week outside of school / nursery.
  1. The missing nursery childcare is already sorted, there's discussion of "not going away" because of the childcare.
  1. I woke away a lot but when home cook, take kids to school, etc.
  1. There was no misunderstanding about who's responsibility this was, just now she didn't do it, I'm getting blamed for claiming its "her job".
OP posts:
murmuration · 04/06/2019 11:48

To me, it seems something that should have been discussed. If you're BOTH going away, you're both divesting responsbility from the children and both need to sort out who is going to get things done.

I guess we do it a bit backwards in my family, if I now think about it - the person leaving "passes" the childcare onto the other, who then has to sort things. My husband is SAHD, but occasionally he goes on trips, and then it's my responsibility to either take holiday/work from home/get extra childcare. I take (a lot more) trips for work, and then it's DH's responsbility to sort out any evening activities he normally does when I'm home (and look after her in the evening) - not going/arranging for her join in/hosting them at our house. And if we were both going somewhere (which I can't see us doing - who would take her overnight??) we'd need to both sort it. But the same logic should work for the reverse, if it was the person leaving who needed to make arrangements, as you're both leaving.

But, where are they spending the nights? Why can't whoever is looking after them take them the other 3.5 days? And, in fact, no matter how early one started, there is no guarentee it would have been possible. My nursery is completely booked and even trying to plan for one of DH's trips six months in advance didn't work.

Karigan195 · 04/06/2019 11:48

@GreenTulips

You’re missing a trick. Bins are the kids job here and they get £1 a week for keeping them empty 😂

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