AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

Malyshek

What absolute nonsense
A mother isn’t hired help, how degrading to OPs wife to reduce her to an unpaid babysitter

Malyshek is not the one who is reducing anyone to an unpaid babysitter.
She is pointing out that it would be expensive to hire someone else to provide the same level of childcare.

So? Pack your job in then. You've said numerous times you don't like it and clearly resent it. You could get by comfortably on 50% less of your wage, thanks to you telling us what your salary is. You fund the lifestyle you want, though. It's you who likes the house and the monthly pocket money.

ust - in a hypothetical scenario, if your wife could suddenly do your job, would you be prepared to be the SAHP? For 6 years? Imagine both of them were still toddlers.

Would that have been preferable to you? Have a think about it and be honest with yourself, What might have been the impact on your confidence; self-worth, motivation, ego? Would you feel privileged? Or might you feel a whole myriad of complex emotions - privileged but restricted; free yet dependent; content yet anxious; empowered yet diempowered.

Now imagine if, despite the actual words that came out of his mouth, you had the distinct feeling that your DH expected you to feel beholden to him as the “Oh Great Provider.” You should be more grateful for the role of staying with his children. The power dynamic has shifted - how can you question it now? This is what you wanted, wasn’t it?

I don’t know if you can empathise with any of the above or even if it is strictly the case, but what I can tell you is there’s nothing worse than feeling demeaned for your purpose in life - by the very person who claims to want :support you in that role because it’s best for his DC!

Supposing you did separate and maintenance payments weren’t an issue. Wouid you take a lower paid job more locally?

What would you do career-wise if you need to have the DC half the week? Would you go part-time?

Not trying to be rude here, but I just say this so maybe you could try and stand on “the other side” and see through a different lens maybe? It can be helpful.

Why the fuck are YOU more significant than a SAHM??????

YOU....

I think you are having a laugh and posting for reaction. So not going to rise to such goady bullsh*t

But just in case you are for real, karma is waiting for you sweetie pie

You could just suggest that your DW gets a job. But that would mean you would have to do 50% of everything in the house too. You would become a 50% SAHP......a term you clearly have a great deal of loathing for.

There are comprises all round but it feels the majority SAHM have no appreciation of the sacrifice their significant other makes.

Get to fuck.

It's very very clear why she wants to divorce you.

Yanbu

Yes I would have assumed the same in your position. I would have asked her though as I'm a bit concise tips with arranging details, especially if I thought she might have forgotten.

And I really get annoyed reading about the sahm is so much harder than wohm arguments.

If your the sahm you have all the power to change your situation to make it easier!

If your a wohm you lose this power!
If your wohm you have to arrange your time to fit work in and then you still have to do all childcare and housework (even if your partner shares the workload at home) when you are not at work. You even lose power in regards to your children, you don't have full control over their naps, diet, activities etc which often leads to issues such as overtiredness at bedtime and dc who don't eat at nursery and need extra feeding at home for instance.

And not to mention you are expected to do your job, in addition to raising your dc.

If you struggle as a sahm you are doing it wrong! So make changes, don't just complain and say it is the hardest job. You have all the power and it is 100% down to you how you structure your day and priorities.

MissAngie, but if you are WOHM you don't have to ALL the childcare and housework BECAUSE you are WOHM and your partner has to do 50%.
If not then you need to leave obviously.

Also you don't need "full control" over your DCs, you share it 50/50 with your DH.

Ok you don't understand.
Take this example.
Baby having sleep and nap issues.

Sahm can trial various techniques and strategies. When they fail she can stay home and sleep and rest when baby does sleep, no need to be anywhere. She can leave all non essential housework. She can plan their lives around this issue.

Wohm can trial some strategies before and after work and on weekends. She can pass on strategies to nursery carers and hope they follow them. But she still has to get baby up and ready for work, then go to work, do a days work, then go home. And do her work to a level so that she doesn't start having performance issues and then the pressure from that. And then get baby ready for bed and still do essential housework.

And obviously this can be shared with partner if she has one. But the sahm can also share the housework and childcare once the partner comes home!

People understand Angie they just don't agree.

My wohm dh does hardly any childcare or house work. Surely that is tbe deal when you ard a sahp angie? Especially now they are school age.
I do work very part time aswell though.

There are comprises all round but it feels the majority SAHM have no appreciation of the sacrifice their significant other makes.

I suggest you speak for yourself, and nobody else. Not your wife, and certainly not other people, both WOHP's, and SAHP's who actually have got things sussed and have a very happy and mutually respectful and appreciative relationship. Which I would suggest you are unlikely ever to have, with your attitudes and behaviour.

If you struggle as a sahm you are doing it wrong!
don’t be ridiculous. It is perfectly obvious that some jobs are harder than others and not all hardship can be alleviated by just trying a bit harder. What gloriously limited experience of life you must have.

@MissAngie - what if the children drop their naps or nap asynchronously? A childminder has a break from the kids when they finish work. Wohm has a different type of work which may be less physically demanding. Sahm has one marathon looking after kids.

The DPs job and attitude can also influence the sahm experience - there are those who are calculating and unappreciative who refuse to do housework because they earn the money. Also influenced by children with heath issues or SEN (clinic appts etc).

Oh he still moaning because we should all be grateful off the sacrifices he makes just so his wife can look after THEIR KIDS!

Stop feeding the troll peeps, he has been very busy on here these past few days

Her 'job'? Do you pay her a salary, sick pay, holidays and provide a pension for her? Has she got a contract?