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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

544 replies

ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:17

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

OP posts:
sugarbum · 04/06/2019 11:28

When you say 'she was supposed to have arranged it' was that agreed with both of you? Or was this an assumption? Or unspoken rule?

FWIW I agree. In this instance I would expect her to arrange the childcare, as she is the designated carer for your children. That is her role.

I'm not a SAHM and do all childcare arrangements (because otherwise it wouldn't get done, but also because I work part time and cover most of the holidays) however this is the unspoken rule in our house.

kaytee87 · 04/06/2019 11:29

Just because you work - 40hrs a week? - does not make your wife responsible for the children 168 hours a week.

I agree with this btw. If she agreed to do it then fair enough but the kids aren't solely her job as much as you aren't at work 24/7.

AllFourOfThem · 04/06/2019 11:29

How do things usually work in terms of nursery care? I don’t think a stay at home parent is 100% responsible for all housework, laundry, cleaning, childcare and cooking etc. After all, if she worked full time and you worked full time, then surely everything would be split 50/50 in the time outside of work so by that logic some of it must still remain your responsibility.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 04/06/2019 11:29

If "she was supposed to have arranged it", and agreed to that, then it was her job.

sackrifice · 04/06/2019 11:30

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU

Does she get to finish her 'job' at 5pm? And does she start at 9am? Or whatever working hours you do?

Or does she get up really early and spend all day running around and then collapse in a heap at night, only to be badgered about what she hasn't done that day? Like arrange the childcare?

Drogosnextwife · 04/06/2019 11:30

How can you go on holiday and leave your kids in a nursery all week?
Really you could have arranged it, they are your kids too and the holiday is for both of you, not just your wife.

myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 11:30

I don't understand that nursery point at all, but YANBU. Of course it's the job of the SAH parent to organise this.

Things only get shared 50/50 when both parents work equal full time - which is not the case when one works a 9 to 5 whilst the other does 12 hours day...

One is at home with the children and had all the free time to do all these things, that's the whole point.

If it's childcare you are after, are there any holiday kids clubs kind of thing where you are going?
Who was supposed to look after the children at night? Or did you mean nursery on site there?

Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:31

@newjobnerves

No, he goes 1.5 days/week so it was just extending the half day to full day.

OP posts:
myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 11:31

Does she get to finish her 'job' at 5pm? And does she start at 9am? Or whatever working hours you do?
oh come on, we'll all been on maternity leave at least, so all experienced what it's like to be the stay-at-home parent. You cannot compare being in the office and being at home!

flowery · 04/06/2019 11:32

”That was uncalled for, flowery.”

Eh? What was uncalled for? Did I accidentally personally insult someone? Confused

formerbabe · 04/06/2019 11:32

Who is going to be looking after them outside of nursery hours?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 04/06/2019 11:32

Or does she get up really early and spend all day running around and then collapse in a heap at night, only to be badgered about what she hasn't done that day? Like arrange the childcare?

Wow, projecting much. Many people like to think SAHM's lives are like this, but not always.
If she agreed to do it, and was collapsed in a heap and unable to, she should have mentioned it.

MatildaTheCat · 04/06/2019 11:32

I would have to wonder if she didn’t book the nursery place because she didn’t actually want to go on holiday alone with you. What sort of rough patch are we talking?

Safiya7 · 04/06/2019 11:32

This thread actually makes no sense because surely if a couple are going away for a week, they arrange for family to come and look after the DC or something. They don’t just “book a nursery” for a child who is not used to that. Who is going to take them to this nursery for the week and deal with them if they are screaming or unsettled?

SarahAndQuack · 04/06/2019 11:32

Our nursery does a bit of flex and can sometimes allow extra days. It's great for me because I'm mostly a SAHM but occasionally do a bit of teaching, and they were able to take DD for a few days last year while I was away. So that bit isn't stupid.

But I agree with others - she is responsible for the children/home most of the time, but she doesn't work 24/7 any more than you do.

It sounds like an honest mistake TBH. She didn't realise how much notice was needed to get nursery time. Maybe the nursery is more full than last time she tried?

You mention there being other issues, and I can believe that, because otherwise I don't see why you'd be upset with her. I mean, I imagine she wanted the holiday too, right?

ImportantWater · 04/06/2019 11:33

oh come on, we'll all been on maternity leave at least, so all experienced what it's like to be the stay-at-home parent. You cannot compare being in the office and being at home!

You are correct. Being at work was way, way easier.

Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:34

@ThorosOfMyr

No its not her job to wash my clothes! Her job is to provide care for our children, I arranged my leave from work, I see it as her job to do the same for her job (aka looking after our children)

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 04/06/2019 11:34

I would have expected her to do it. But there are clearly wider issues here and it sounds like a lot of resentment, so it could be that she's fed up with doing absolutely everything with the kids and being taken for granted.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 04/06/2019 11:35

I would have thought you both would have discussed it if the children don't already go to nursery. Also, no it's not the equivalent of her arranging things to do with your job. You work presumably 40 hours a week, the children are 24/7.

ifonly4 · 04/06/2019 11:35

I think it's reasonable that she should have arranged childcare (I was a SAHM for five years and everything including basic repairs, gardening, sorting out schools, paperwork, looking after DC, cooking tea, shopping etc, while he worked long hours, so he could have some quality time at home). However, we did talk and he'd often doublecheck if I'd remembered to do something, so in this instance we would have discussed childcare and I'd have checked with him he was happy with the arrangements I intended to/had made.

QueSera · 04/06/2019 11:35

I agree with you. If you were both working outside the home, then childcare would be a joint responsibility, but since she is a SAHM I believe this falls entirely within her remit.

Tinkobell · 04/06/2019 11:36

What options might you have to either cancel the holiday (contact your insurer) or add the DC onto the holiday? Sorry. Unless she's having some kind of personal crisis, this does sound a bit crappy.

Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:36

@timeisnotaline

Thats really not right. If you're returning to work then there's literally no distinction between you and your husband and he has equal responsibility to everything family and child related.

OP posts:
myDHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 04/06/2019 11:36

ImportantWater
you must have a very relax job!

As a SAH parent you don't even have to get dressed if you don't feel like it. Maternity leave is exactly like the school holidays when you are off: a holiday. Most posters seem to manage to find the time to be on MN for a start...

feathermucker · 04/06/2019 11:36

On your other thread, you say you're getting divorced, so maybe she doesn't want to go on holiday with you.

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