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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In love with female teacher...

320 replies

Tumbletee · 30/04/2019 23:32

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

OP posts:

MooseHoose · 01/05/2019 21:34

For context, I’m married to a man but have had previous relationships with women.

I think that you should put aside the fact that she’s female for a moment and just think about how much you truly know about her as a person and how much is perhaps projection / fantasy / your imagination. You probably know from experiences with men that it’s possible to be crazy about a guy and then realise he’s not all that. But with her, it’s the first woman you’ve felt like this about so perhaps it feels like a sign there’s something truly special about her.

If you really, really do feel that you know her well having seen her often over the past year and that your feelings are intense despite a more realistic understanding of who she is, then that presents its own problems. If you’re happy with your husband and this isn’t simply a sign that you’d be more fulfilled to have a relationship with someone rise, you’ll need to find a way to deal with your feelings. Avoiding her entirely would be one, but you don’t want to do this.

If you found out she was straight and there was no chance of anything between you, would that make things easier, do you think?

bluebell34567 · 01/05/2019 21:35

change schools in september.
till then let your dh do the school run.
dont act on it, dont tell your dh.
leave it to time, it will pass (easy to say i know, sorry)

MooseHoose · 01/05/2019 21:35

*someone else, not rise

Vagchange · 01/05/2019 21:43

You don’t know her at all and yet you’ve built up this idea about who she is. I’m open to you being bisexual but you don’t love her as you don’t know her at all.

Does she trigger something? Is there someone in your life she reminds you of? Often when women create fantasies around older male teachers it can be a reflection of paternal issues. Do you have a good relationship with your mum?

TeddybearBaby · 01/05/2019 22:11

This is really odd reading. You seem to be completely out of sync with reality. ‘Telling your husband, losing friends’. This is all fantasy, you don’t even know her. You seem determined to tell your husband and it’s because you really think you’re going to sail off into the sunset with this lady who you don’t know from Adam. I think you probably need counselling but not because of sexuality just because you seem to have lost all sense of reality. I’m actually quite concerned about you 💐

Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 22:16

This thread reminds me of that movie ‘Notes on a Scandal’

And your crush is the older lady trying to snare you for herself

Tartsamazeballs · 01/05/2019 22:27

What's your relationship like with your husband? Would he find it funny? I developed a crush on my old PT and eventually told my husband. He told me he already knew, and wound up taking the piss out of me a lot about it... Eventually it passed, but it was pretty intense for a while, it was also exacerbated by the secrecy I think. Ultimately I guess my advice would be to have a quick fap and move on.

FromEden · 01/05/2019 22:35

This all seems very strange and over dramatic. It's a crush.

Don't tell your DH, aside from hurting him, the feelings will pass and you will cringe knowing that he knows about it. is there no one else you can confide in?

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 23:09

Thank you again for all the replies, it really helps knowing other people have had similar experiences and I'm not alone feeling like this. A few posters have mentioned that it could be that I see something in her that I long for in myself, which I do get... She's very confident and natural, both things I struggle with. I always feel like I have to be someone I'm not with new people and I keep up a guard. Watching her confidence, probably does make me feel slightly in awe of how natural/open she is. I think she probably does message other parents about school stuff as it's a very relaxed, friendly atmosphere. I wouldn't think she has conversations with other parents like she does with me, but I could be wrong. I don't know any of the other parents well enough to ask if she messages them. She seems to find reasons to take me aside to talk to me at school, my DD isn't ever in trouble or a cause for concern, actually the opposite, she's so well behaved, friendly, smart, happy, so there's never any issues at school that need addressing. She'll just find a reason to chat, usually starting with a story of something funny/clever DD did that day, and then we'll talk a bit longer, and when we're talking I just sense this deep connection, and I can almost see that she feels it too. I don't see her talking in depth to other parents. What a pp said about sudden change of hetro feelings after having children sounds very interesting, and may help explain part of my feelings. I was always keen to settle down and have children, so I guess biologically maybe I was solely attracted to men for that reason. Although as I said, I don't now feel attracted to women... just her. I can think of lots of men (famous) who I find sexy/attractive, and don't ever feel that way about women (even conventionally really beautiful women), doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. It's just her. I don't know if she's gay/bi. I know she's unmarried/divorced (?), and she has a late teen/20s DC.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 23:14

No I don't think he'd find it funny. Especially as it's not like I'm just saying "omg I find dds teacher really hot!" and us giggling about it.
It would be me saying I have really intense feelings towards her that I want to explore as I'm not sure I'm actually even straight anymore... think he'd hit the roof to be honest (rightly so)

OP posts:

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 23:18

I only have one friend I'd feel confident in speaking to about this, but she'd probably find it hilarious and won't be able to take it seriously so not sure what it would achieve. Plus dh and her dh are friends so I don't know if she'd mention it to him and he'd feel loyalty to tell my dh, before I'm ready to.

OP posts:

Imsosorryalan75 · 01/05/2019 23:20

It sounds like you have very intense feelings for this person. Before speaking to your DH, I wonder if it's worth actually talking to her about your feelings. Or at least, finding out more about her situation, before you throw your marriage away. She may be single but equally may have a partner/lover at home.
At least then, if she has, you can refocus on your family.

Vagchange · 01/05/2019 23:24

It might actually help to tell him. It’ll take the delusion out of it a little bit to get the cold light of day on it.

Greeborising · 01/05/2019 23:26

I’m sorry if I’m speaking out of line here but I’ve read through the whole thread and I’m a little worried tbh.
I fully understand what you say about how this woman makes you feel but it sounds like you are in danger of doing a right big fuck up.
You are talking about this in a little glow bubble, you tell us of things she has said or done hoping someone will say “omg she is clearly really into you” but nothing you have said about your relationship with her implies this.
Please don’t think about telling your husband how you feel.
Why don’t you ask her to go for a coffee\drink or something to actually talk to her in a social situation as grown ups?
If it turns out that you both have genuine feelings for each other then fine, but that is a whole new ball game.
Flirting can be fun, fantasy is fun but right now you are in a very dangerous position.
You have a young child, an unsuspecting husband and you really have no idea what this woman is feeling.
Don’t behave like a teenager

Suliemantra · 01/05/2019 23:26

Do NOT tell your husband

Springisallaround · 01/05/2019 23:28

From a relevant website: 'Limerence is an involuntary state of deep obsession and infatuation with another person'

This really does sound like you OP. Google it and read about it and you will find support in Relationships here for dealing with it.

Your obsession and infatuation is not unique, and it would be a shame to collapse your marriage over it unless there were really severe problems which it doesn't sound like there are.

bluebell34567 · 02/05/2019 08:46

are you generally introvert? not much social life, etc?
and also a relationship with a school staff is not accepted i guess.
anyway you sound at a turning point, be careful for yourself, for your dd and family not to make a mistake.

englishdictionary · 02/05/2019 08:50

It might actually help to tell him. It’ll take the delusion out of it a little bit to get the cold light of day on it.

Indeed.

Nothing like telling your partner you are in love with someone else to bring reality back into play!

QueenBeex · 02/05/2019 11:43

Keep us updated if you do tell your DH op. Good luck! do what you think is right, this is your life and your feelings

TeddybearBaby · 02/05/2019 12:00

It would be me saying I have really intense feelings towards her that I want to explore

What do you mean by this? Explore how? What do you hope to achieve from telling your husband?

Original poster

Tumbletee · 02/05/2019 12:14

I'm not particularly introvert no, and have a very active social life, lots of friends and always busy. As soon as we locked eyes this morning I felt that immediate connection again, and I'm sure she feels the same, there was a brief moment of physical contact (nothing sexual) and it's just reinforced how much I need to work out what is going on. Dh has had a very hard week at work, and the next few weeks are going to be stressful for him anyway so really can't drop this bombshell just yet. I don't think it matters if anything happens with her or not, he deserves to know how I feel as I'm sure in happy marriages feelings for other people shouldn't get this intense. It's making me question everything. I feel like this is awakening something in me I've never felt before, I can't ignore it, no matter how much I love my dh.

OP posts:

RedBerryTea · 02/05/2019 12:15

You won't remove your child from the nursery because it would disrupt her and she loves it there? Well I'm pretty sure breaking up the family would disrupt her more OP. How would you feel if your DH confessed intense, overwhelming feelings for another woman, and said he would like to explore them? If you are unhappy in your marriage, end it. If you love your husband and value your family, work at it.

PinkGlitter123 · 02/05/2019 12:17

Tartsamazeballs I nearly ended up down the hospital thanks to you as had a massive choking, laughing fit at your message!

Tumbletee, no good advice but its difficult when this happens I know x

Vagchange · 02/05/2019 12:27

Try not to mistake her fear at your inappropriate gaze, for lust.

Original poster

Tumbletee · 02/05/2019 12:34

Yes I know it would be horrible to end our marriage/disrupt our family life etc, but changing nurserys won't stop that happening if I'm coming to the realisation heterosexual married life isn't what I want! This is what I'm trying to figure out, what these feelings mean, I genuinely don't think I can stay with my dh when I feel like this. People split up/marriages breakdown/families live separately all the time, I'm not saying it's ideal, but it's not that unusual is it?! All the time on here I see people saying it's worse for the children to stay in an unhappy relationship than split up. And I'm not saying I'm unhappy at the moment, but I think I'm going to end up that way by not figuring out why I feel the way I do. I have been distant from dh lately too because of all this, and he's picked up on that... He thinks I'm stressed because of juggling work/kids and has been overly supportive, telling me to quit my job if I'm not happy, as he earns enough to support us all, helping out as much as possible with the kids, telling me to go out for evening to have a break etc, he's so lovely which makes this even harder. It will be devastating for our whole family, I know that. But I can't live in denial.

OP posts:

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