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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In love with female teacher...

320 replies

Tumbletee · 30/04/2019 23:32

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 15:45

Thank you for all the replies, I appreciate every one. I know the whole thing sounds stupid and I can completely see why people thing it's just a silly crush that will blow over. I did for months too, but it's got to the point where I really feel like I need/want to act on it. I feel I need to tell my dh, so I can be honest with him and myself about how I feel as I'm constantly trying to push these feelings away which is impossible when they're so strong. I don't want to start an emotional affair, but I feel it's going that way already, and I'm not an unfaithful person, so constantly feeling horrified with myself. No, when she messages it starts off school related but then the conversation changes, and we end up talking about unrelated stuff. I never message her first.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 15:50

FML this is so hard.

OP posts:

ByeClaire · 01/05/2019 15:51

Should she be messaging you though? Isn’t that unprofessional?

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 15:56

I know you are all right about taking a step away from her and focusing on my marriage, I know that makes sense. I just wish I could just snap out of this. I really think this is happening for a reason, as sad as that sounds. I will try and distance myself and see if things improve, but if these feeling don't go soon, I feel I have no choice other than telling my dh. As much as I love him, our life, and our marriage, I physically cannot ignore how I feel right now, as hard as I try.

OP posts:

HoumiLoomi · 01/05/2019 16:01

I think you are using this thread as an opportunity to talk about your crush, because doing so is exciting. Let’s be honest you want to cheat. Otherwise you would stop making excuses and distance yourself. Google Limerence.

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 16:01

I don't know, I never questioned the messages as it started off just little things like telling me DD had left something in her tray, and thank you for a school donation I organised, so didn't really think anything of it and obviously like it (as bad as that sounds) when she messages.

OP posts:

HoumiLoomi · 01/05/2019 16:04

If something happens the only reason for it is that you are too selfish and weak to stop it.

irregularegular · 01/05/2019 16:04

Me too perhapsIwill

I've never felt like this before. But it isn't really like the OP as I do know her very well.

It's quite a different situation from with a man in that nobody thinks twice about us spending lots of time alone together, even a weekend away. I'm just going for close friendship and not telling anyone (including her, or DH) exactly how I am feeling. It's not ideal but I'm not sure what else I can do.

TeaForTheWin · 01/05/2019 16:05

I have noticed some gay women just have this kind of sexual magnitisim about them and even moreso - transmen. It could be that she is actually a dude (at least mentally) and you can sense that. Can't say I've ever wanted to sleep with a woman but if you've ever seen Elliot fletcher from the American version of shameless? Ooft, I would. Wouldn't even care that he hasn't fully transitioned yet. I consider myself straight and I hate all this 'fluid sexuality' claptrap tbh but maybe there's...something in it. You like what you like and there's no shame in that.

As long as you aren't acting on it, I think it's ok to have a cheeky fantasy here and there. Problem is that... if you think she might like you back...would you be tempted to act on it?

Starfish28 · 01/05/2019 16:08

Having read the thread it sounds like you need to speak to a therapist ASAP. As lots of people have pointed out you don’t really know this women yet you are contemplating blowing up your life over her. I think it is significant that she is gay/bi and may well be awaking something inside you. But for her sake, the sake of your marriage and your daughter you need to talk this through with a professional and make sense of it all. If, after talking it through with a professional and you decide to end your marriage then that is where you need to start. But playing out this fantasy and cheating on your husband is just horrible behavior for everyone involved.

perhapsiwill · 01/05/2019 16:10

Irregularegular - feel free to message me.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 01/05/2019 16:19

at people suggesting counselling for a bisexual crush.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 01/05/2019 16:21

Unfortunately lots of people cheat. It doesn't mean someone needs counselling.

PissOffPeppa · 01/05/2019 16:22

It’s limerence. I’ve been there twice now so I completely get it. It’s awful and all-consuming, and logically you know it’s ridiculous because you don’t know them at all, but you can’t stop feeling this way.

I think you made a really positive step in asking your partner to do the school run. The more distance you put between yourself and the teacher, the easier things will get. It will pass but you need to accept nothing can happen between you.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 01/05/2019 16:22

And yes, it is a crush, op. You're not in love, you don't really know this person. You want to have sex with her.

yearinyearout · 01/05/2019 16:24

I had an overwhelming crush on someone many moons ago. He was all I thought about but at the same time I didn't want to risk my marriage. As soon as he started to show an interest in me (he asked me to meet him for a drink) I told my DH and it burst the bubble. If I hadn't told him I just know I would've been tempted to meet this other man on our own (I saw him weekly anyway but in a group situation)

Meandmetoo · 01/05/2019 16:27

If you want help to snap out of this crush, which is all it is, tell the school that one of their employees is being inappropriate,which she is.

Again, tell your dh what exactly? That you have a crush? Are you hoping he'll suggest a threesome? Or dump you so you can follow up your crush?

It's all a bit cringe really.

FriarTuck · 01/05/2019 16:30

Secondly, and probably most importantly is how you deal with the temptation you face. I think the answer is the same if this was a man or a woman. What's more important to you? Your marriage or her? If it's your marriage then I suggest you do your best to keep some distance until your DD goes to school.
This ^^. Your sexuality is irrelevant. You're married. End of. Keep all contact professional between now and DD leaving, and then stop completely. If she does flirt with you then that says a lot about her because she knows you're married. But if you continue as you are then you're in for a lot of trouble one way or another.

GirlsBlouse17 · 01/05/2019 16:37

Do you know anything about her? Have you had any conversations other than about school stuff?

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 01/05/2019 16:41

If your marriage is worth saving op and you're definitely not gay, I'd just take dd out of nursery and put her in a new one.

The disruption to her life would be far worse if you got a divorce.

Mummyshark2019 · 01/05/2019 17:03

But how do you know she is interested in you? Just because of that text she sent which you say was not urgent? She probably can't even have a relationship with a parent. She may not even be into women. I think this whole thing is probably in your head and you need to ground yourself. You are risking your marriage and child's happiness here.

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 18:20

I don't "know" that she likes me... But I get a feeling she does. Maybe she likes me as a friend, maybe she likes me but would never want to act on it, maybe she doesn't like me at all. And this is my problem, I know if she told me she did like me, I couldn't deny my feelings for her. I've decided I'm going to tell dh, I can't ignore this any longer. I'm going to tell him I've been having confusing feelings for her and I don't want to keep secrets from him. My marriage is so so important to me, but I can't deny how I feel and it is making me question if I'm 100% happy. I know I must sound like a crazy person, and honestly if I saw someone else writing this sort of thing 18 months ago, I too would think they were unhinged. I've never felt this way about anyone other than my husband. I know this is so unfair on him, but its also unfair on myself to carry on trying to quash these thoughts and ignore how I feel, as that is important too. This has been going on for a year now, and it's not getting any easier.

OP posts:

perhapsiwill · 01/05/2019 18:38

I really get that you hate keeping a secret and I think that you need to let out the secret in real life but is there anyone else you could tell ? It may be that you just need to get it out and might not need to involve your DH in the telling.
I am in a similar situation and considered just letting him know I'm bi and not about the crush as this seems less hurtful. Would you do that?

StarlightLady · 01/05/2019 18:49

Some secrets are best kept as that; a secret.

Meandmetoo · 01/05/2019 19:01

Imagine this does go further (imagine being the operative word), I hope your DD doesn't suffer when she realises it's her teacher (with her mum) that caused the break up of her family.

Anyway, hugs hun, hope you get your dh's blessing to try a bit of minge out.

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