In love with female teacher...

[Tumbletee]

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

@KirstyHasLeft

Well, I'm still here :) Maybe the OP is still here somewhere too!

How are you, Kirsty?? How is everything going? I read your posts and my heart broke for you. Has anything been resolved?

@AFS1 - Tnank you - yes, things did indeed get resolved.
Terrible times but now I am a reasonably happy woman.

I just started a thread the other day - please have a look :)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4271025-Thank-you-MN

How lovely to read! I’m sorry you had to go through what you did, but I’m so glad it’s ended happily.

@HoumiLoomi

I think you need to tell your DH. You seem sure that you want to and would cheat if the opportunity presented itself. Seeing his confusion and hurt might give you a wake up call. Unless you want to remain under this spell?

I have experience of a similar situation with my cousin and her DH. She left him. It was no “happy ending” for her children.

This is terrible advice. Don’t tell your husband and destroy his life just to give yourself a wake up call.

OP you need to give your head a wobble. You don’t know this woman at all, stop being ridiculous. This will not end well if you continue in this dreamland scenario.

RTFT

@Tumbletee

Thanks again for the responses and advice. Tried to keep myself busy to shut the feelings out today, but it's impossible most of the time. I know it's wrong, I know my dh would be devastated, I know it would be hard on my children... But does this honestly mean I just have to ignore how I feel? I do love my dh, and I really don't think there are issues in our marriage which have caused this. It just seems like my completely straight mind has been switched for someone else's. I can't describe it really, I never thought something like this would happen to me. I don't expect anyone to understand unless they've gone through this themselves, as I said less than 2 years ago I'd have thought anyone posting this was ridiculous and needed to get a grip. I can't explain how overwhelming the feelings I have for her are. I posted to see if anyone who's been through this could give me some advice, and feel I've been judged quite harshly (maybe I shouldn't have posted on AIBU). On paper my life is perfect really, and I can't think of anything that specifically makes me unhappy in my marriage/life, it's not that, it's the fact I don't think there is place for these feelings in a happy relationship, so I need to find out why I feel like this, and what I can do about it. I'm not thinking I'm going to run off with her and live happily ever after, I know that's crazy. I do genuinely think she has feelings for me too though, there have been too many little things that she's said/done for me to be imagining it. But that's besides the point really, this whole thing has made me feel like something IS missing and maybe it is actually quite important to find out what exactly this is. I don't expect anyone to understand. From being 100% heterosexual, to having unexplainably intense feelings for someone of the same sex, is confusing. I've been trying to work out if I could be gay/bi, but I really don't think I am... I don't find other women sexually attractive. And it's not just the sexual attraction, it's everything about her that I can't stop thinking about.

You haven’t been judged harshly. You’ve actually been given a lot of sympathy which unfortunately seems to have encouraged you.

Please stop this nonsense and leave the woman alone. You are starting to sound deluded. Don’t wreck your life and that of your husband and children for this juvenile crush.

Read. The. Fucking. Thread.

There is a theory that sexuality is a spectrum, and we can all move up and down it. Maybe you are attracted to her spirit, and the packaging is irrelevant. Are you bored in your life? that is sometimes why people get attracted to someone other than their partner. Or perhaps your other feelings are so strong that they have translated into attraction. I wouldnt worry about the attraction or the dreams - no one can help those. The bigger question is that you feel things may get out of hand - are you done with your marriage? If not, you need to think about refocussing on that.

@TerrifiedandWorried

Read. The. Fucking. Thread.

I. Just. Fucking. Have. Done.

Sorry, was confused by your responding to something from 2019. As you were.

I’m a teacher, f and happily in a ltr with a man I love and fancy. I have a huge crush on the mother of one of my pupils. I think she knows - everybody else does (except obviously the kids). And everybody who has met her agrees that fancying her is inevitable, except for one of my colleagues, an old stick-in-the-mud who doesn’t understand that you can have a female crush without it causing you to abandon your family and shave your head. I wind her up by expressing shock that she doesn’t have a crush on the mother in question and she horrifiedly replies ‘but but but she’s a WOMAN!’ To which I say, ‘I know’.

This is a really old post. Would love to hear how it all turned out for the OP in the end.

Op pleeeeeeease update us. I've just read every single one of your posts and I truly hope you found your happiness, and your dh too.

I know this is an older post but when I went googling for my problem I came across this post and I felt so compelled and to post. Your story is almost EXACTLY like mine. 3 years ago I met a woman at my childrens school, she turned out to be the assistant principal, I fell head over heels for her immediately. I too thought I was going insane because I have never been with or thought of a woman in that way till her. I had only ever been with men and have been married for 10 years. It tore me upside down for the 2 years she was at my childrens school, I felt like a mad woman, I thought if her from the time I opened my eyes till I closed them and even dreamt of her. I would volunteer at school functions just to have the opportunity to see and talk to her. I never acted on anything as she was married as well, 20 years my age but we had a moment one single time and then nothing. She ended moving school districts to her own principal position and it broke my heart to pieces. A couple months after she left I started to feel okay but then I started thinking about her from time to time, now 3 years later, I still feels the same. I would give anything to see her again. You’re not crazy and there is someone out there going through the same thing which makes me feel a tad bit better.

Hello ladies!

I hope you're all doing well and the OP is doing well and is happy now? Any updates OP?

I just wanted to give you a little update on my situation. I originally posted on this post back in September 2020.

I'd been with a man for almost 20 years and we have two children. I've known that I was attracted to women but never ever had a reason to leave my husband. Our marriage wasn't the best and I just knew he wasn't 'my person'.
Fast forward to 2020 when I met my son's preschool teacher and fell head over heels. We had so much in common and would chat on the gate as well as via the school messaging platform. I knew things were special. She was married (to a man) as was I (but both unhappily).
Reluctantly my family and I moved away and so my son left her school but she lived in the town my family lived in so I knew I'd see her again at some point. I plucked up enough courage to add her as a friend on Facebook and I could see from her pictures that there was the possibility that she could be bisexual. We caught up for playdates and our friendship built and got stronger. She told me she'd been in relationships with women before. Things were deteriorating in both our marriages and I finally plucked up the courage (after a few drinks) to tell her how I'd been feeling back to when she was my son's preschool teacher. She was very shocked and said it wouldn't affect our friendship. It really didn't and if anything it made it stronger. A few months later she eventually told me that she liked me just the same and had always fancied me. I was totally shocked but thrilled. We both ended our marriages and have now been in a relationship for the last year. I love her to bits and know she's totally 'my person'.
I want to wish you all good luck guys xx

Gosh, I remember this thread. Actually posted on it under an old username.

I'm a preschool teacher and now wondering which parent fancies me!!

Could it be limerance.
If so it can pass, you can then get limerance for someone else, it's usually people who are unavailable le. It's hard to say.

I think people can surprise even themselves by who they find attractive. I remember having a mad crush on a female teacher, despite being straight. It's totally normal and it's just the same as if you saw a guy you suddenly had a crush on. If you are in a happy relationship I would just try and ignore it, but if you do want to pursue it, maybe subtly ask if she's single? I'm not saying you should cheat, but I am not judgmental. These things do tend to pass almost as quickly as they appear after a certain time, but there's no harm in finding a woman sexually attractive. It does not mean you are fully a lesbian or anything. Not that there's anything bad about lesbianism.

I’m in the same situation it’s been more than a year…
Glad it all worked out for you OP