In love with female teacher...

[Tumbletee]

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

@KirstyHasLeft it must be really hard for you Kirsty and for your husband too. Despite the fact you are both really unhappy, you feel you should stay together. I'm not going to say what you should or shouldn't do in terms of staying together, but I think you could both do with seeing a marriage guidance counsellor either together or on your own. Look at your overall joint finances such as assets, debts, income and expenditure and speak to citizens advice just so you can understand your legal and financial position if you were to seperate. I know it is hard to imagine starting a new life at your age but it can be done. I think we have one life and it is sad if we spend that life being unhappy and unfulfilled x

@GirlsBlouse17, thank you so much for your support. I have never told this to anyone else - it means a lot to me to be able to talk about it.

@KirstyHasLeft You're welcome Kirsty. I guess thats the good thing sbout anonymity on mumsnet. You can talk about anything you want to. Im here if you want to pm me if you want to talk, but that's okay if you don't want to. Have you discussed much with your husband?

for OP and others going through a similar thing x

@Tumbletee I was wondering, how are things with you ? :)

And how are things with you Kirsty? x

Hi OP, thanks for the updates. For context on my point of view: 'm a lesbian in a same sex marriage and came out in my late thirties from a straight marriage.
I would strongly advise you to get in touch with local gay scene/ lesbian meet ups as you will not gain the support and validation and help in processing and making sense of your feelings from straight people including your husband. When he describes your behaviours as 'crazy' he is expressing common homophobic views, and this is what you are up against and why lgb people have struggled and still struggle to come out. You need lgb allies/counsellors to support you in your coming out process; you are unlikely to find the right support among straight family and friends and especially not with your OH who is hurting/ in denial. Well done for being honest and brave and true to yourself OP!

What the OP is experiencing is not limerance. It is still difficult for lgb people to come out to themselves and others in our heteronormative society, and none of us choose to be sexually attracted to our own sex.

@GirlsBlouse17, same old, same old..
I actually talked to her last week - just school stuff- nothing personal. But she was extremely nice to me. And one morning she randomly came up to me to say hi. That made my week ! This is how sad the situation is.
My DH is so unhappy, he was crying recently because I show no affection to him. So, instead of giving him a hug, like a normal person, I suggested we maybe split up if he is so unhappy with me? He said he will never ever leave me as he loves me so much. What do I do?
I don't want to break his heart and ruin his and my lives. He can't handle stuff well and is very prone to depressions and drama. But as it is, our marriage is a joke.

@32KirstyHasLeft Hi Kirsty! I'm so sorry. How awful for you both. Is sad because he will be unhappy if you leave but is also unhappy with you together. And you are unhappy together too. I think though that you are putting the onus on your husband to finish it. Is that to help you feel less guilty if he ends it? It feels like guilt is what is making you stay with him and also because you feel sorry for him. Have you thought about marriage guidance? It's not just about helping couples stay together. It can also help couples make a decision about separating if that is the best solution. You could go on your own if that is easier and you can talk through your feelings I can understand how hard it is for you to know what to do. You have children too. I think children are quite resilient though. As long as they still have the love of both parents and continue a good relationship with them. Your husband is unhappy now and if you split up it will be difficult for him, but he will slowly rebuild his life and some day he can find someone else who will love him in a fulfilling way. You too are unhappy and do you want to be unhappy in a relationship for the next fifty years or so? You both deserve to be happy. The longer it is left, the harder it will be later on. It might be painful first but you will both get through it. I think marriage guidance might be a good idea though xx

Forgot to say about teacher Kirsty! Thats nice she came and said hello to you as you thought she was avoiding you. What would you do if she out the blue asked you out for a drink? xx

@GirlsBlouse17 if she asked me out for a drink - that would be the most amazing thing happening to me in years. That is what I would love to do if I had the guts and she wasn't obviously straight - I would love to go out for a drink with her.
Back to reality though - I am afraid of marriage guidance as the things that would come out and things that would be said - can't be undone. It would be totally the end of my marriage. And my heart would still be broken just as it is now. It's not like my husband is standing on the way of my happiness.. No matter how nice she is to me - no way she has any feelings for me. So maybe I should just suck it up and, at least, not hurt other people. At the moment it's all just in my head and in my heart. I don't dare to let it out.

I know it sounds pathetic and I always thought that I would never stay in unhappy marriage. But here I am.

@KirstyHasLeft Hi Kirsty I can feel the butterflies there! The thought of a date with her I think has made your eyes light up! Hypothetically if something did develop between you both, do you think you would be more likely then to finish with your husband?

You could go by yourself to marriage guidance just to work through your own feelings. You say it would be the end of your marriage but isn't that what you want? Or are you not sure? Maybe you are afraid of the unknown and risking the safety and security of the life you have even though it is unfulfilling. Also you worry about hurting your family but your husband is hurting already and you say you are already heartbroken.

It doesn't sound pathetic. You are in a dilemma because you are unhappy but also because you have a conscience, and don't know what go do for the best. That's why I think seeing a counsellor could help you work through your feelings and what to do xx

Yes, if there was something real between us, it would give me the strength and courage to deal with my marriage.

Thank you, I will think about counselling. It is true about losing my security - I am not financially independent, I have two kids to think about and no way I can afford to stay and live in this area by myself. So I would end up moving somewhere far away, never seeing her again, having to move my kids to different school etc. etc. These are the practical things I have to think about. Plus the emotional devastation I would cause. All for a woman who has no idea about any of this happening :D

Thank you GirlsBlouse for talking to me though. Keeping all this inside me is driving me crazy. It feels like I am carrying a heavy stone inside my body. Thank you so much! x

@KirstyHasLeft I wonder if it would be better to deal with your marriage first and if you were to leave your husband, develop your independence, or semi independence as your husband would still have to provide for you and the kids. You would be entitled to half the marital assets . Speak to Citizens Advice about your entitlement and also any benefits you would get as a single parent. You might be surprised and find you are still able to stay in the same area. Don't rule anything out until you've investigated first. If you separated from your husband and got yourself settled, you could then think about exploring your sexuality and looking for a new relationship with another woman for the first time. Also, you would have nothing to lose by asking the teacher out for a drink. The worst that could happen is she says no.

With regards to emotional devastation, your husband already knows you are unhappy and he too is unhappy, so you are both already part of the way there in dealing with the pain. Separating is very hard emotionally but not as hard as you imagine. As long as you both separate on good terms and maturely, it is possible to give support to one another still and remain on friendly terms, all of which helps reduce the pain you're both going through. And things do get easier over time.

If it is possible for you to subjugate your gay feelings and to resolve the heartache you both feel and focus on day to day happiness in your family, then maybe you can make a go of thibgs with your husband.

What difficult decisions you have to make! I don't envy you. There is a lot of soul searching to be done. I am here anytime if you want to talk through things and you can pm me if you wish.

I don't have the answers for you Kirsty but hopefully I might help you think about things. You do indeed have a heavy stone inside you and maybe we can help chip away at that stone a bit 😃 xx

@Tumbletee and @KirstyHasLeft how are things with you? x

I really could have written this myself.
In a very similar situation over here.
I've been married for 9 years to a man and have two lovely young children.
I guess deep down I've always had a slight attraction to women - my husband actually jokes about it from time to time. My marriage isn't the best. My husband is a lovely man and fantastic Dad but since we've had the babies he really has little sexual desire for me. He's not the most affectionate man and hardly ever initiates sex. We never kiss or cuddle and really our only contact is during sex or the odd foot rub in the evening while watching TV.
Over the last year I've gotten really close to an old school friend. We started chatting over liking the same TV shows and it's just developed from there. We text each other most days and catch up maybe once a month etc. I have a feeling she is attracted to me but she's never come out and said it. She says she's happily married (to a man) and I totally respect that. But I do have sexual feelings towards her. This has really made me question my sexuality at almost 40! I'm not sure if it's some midlife crisis or what but I really don't know what to do. I'm not blaming my husband - he's a lovely, lovely guy but is just not highly sexed and I think I'm starting to resent him for not wanting me. Mix in with the fact I have these feelings for my friend and I'm so so confused. The thought of splitting my marriage up and unsettling the kids is so so awful but I hate the fact that I may have to spend the rest of my life in a loveless marriage (even though my husband says he loves me) he never shows it. I must also admit that my husband is the only person I have been intimate with so the thought of not having that sexual desire for the rest of my life really is awful. Of course it's not his fault I was a virgin when I met him but the feelings of what I am missing is really hard to overcome.
Anyway, how is everyone going? @Tumbletee what happened with you?

I know quite a few gay women who were in similar situations and are now happily with female partners. It’s much more common than you’d think, particularly with women who married young, or stayed with their first boyfriend.

I've just read this whole thread, it is heartbreaking.

I didn't actually mention how similar my situation is to the OP.
Since developing these strong feelings towards my friend I have actually realised that I think I am bisexual. I've suddenly started noticing women more. Which brings me to my son's Preschool teacher 😬
She is lovely! Very softly spoken and totally gorgeous with the children in her care (a plus is that I also find her extremely attractive!). I'm sure she is happily married and (totally straight!) so I'd never let on my crush to her but I just wanted to let you know OP (and other people who are a bit confused) that you are not alone ❤️

I could have written this myself and I'm SO glad I'm not alone in this experience! I am equally confused and have no idea what to do. Im also happily married (to a male) and have considered myself to be heterosexual for 31 years. Until now. My DDs teacher is probably 20 years older than me, also! We've had private meetings as my DD has an anxiety disorder and this teacher emails me several times a week. Sometimes with nothing of importance but just to check in and ask how I am. When I do the school run she always says it's lovely to see me and puts her hand on my wrist. I'm trying so hard not to think about it or read into it but it's hard when I've taken such a shine to her and think about her more than I should. My husband usually does the pick up on his way from work but recently I've been doing it myself just to see her. And I feel so guilty and ashamed of the way I'm feeling! You're so not alone. I know this was happening for you in 2019 so I was hoping you'd be able to tell me if it was something you got over? My DD is moving up to her next school year soon and I will be so upset about this.. she will have a new teacher.

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

For goodness sake! This was first posted in 2019!

@StarlightLady

For goodness sake! This was first posted in 2019!

….but now I’m really curious to know how it turned out..!

Well, I'm still here :) Maybe the OP is still here somewhere too!