In love with female teacher...

[Tumbletee]

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

If this is more about your sexuality and what you want for the future then it's more reasonable to speak with your DH. But if you do I would strongly advise that you don't focus on the fact that you have a crush on your DDs teacher, your DH would be crushed to think you wanted to end things over a crush and it will make him feel like you don't care about him that much. If you really are having serious doubts/see a different future then voice your thoughts with him in that way

In the op you say she will “occasionally” message about nursery related issues.

However now it would seem these messages are more regular and more in depth?

Or is that you trying to convince yourself they are?

OP - you are playing with fire here so really think about all you have to lose her. MN often takes the empathy too far and people encouraging you to act on your feelings are way out of line tbh.

I think you need to talk this through in a safe space (therapy) as this may be about other issues in yourself or your marriage that are manifesting in this way. Running off and having a lesbian affair is not going to help that.

I really hope you are not misreading cues here OP. I'm a middle-aged gay woman who was an EYFS teacher for many years. Maybe it's just me, but it would never have occured to me in a million years that a parent would have had feelings for me.

It was always about the children - and don't forget schools are very big on teaching staff encouraging good relationships with parents. Friendly, professional relationships that is. This woman could potentially have an awful lot to lose by engaging in any kind of relationship with a child's parent (even if she was gay or bi or single - none of which you even know!) Her career could be at stake here!

Firstly, I would have assumed you were completely straight (unless in a known gay relationship or single it wouldn't have occured to me you may be gay or bi). She knows you as a 'happily married' mum!

Secondly, people do sometimes use teaching staff as emotional crutches - I've lost count of the number of parents over the years who have either burst into tears on me and want to offload emotional baggage, or talk to me about their child when there are no concerns on either side, who I've given lifts to when they are at the bus stop with their child, who I've said can come to the class to pick up their child a little later than everyone else because they have social anxiety and want to pick up their child but would have a panic attack when waiting with others in the playground.

I can't help feeling this is all in your head. I may be wrong, but please don't ruin your marriage over a baseless fantasy. There is a reason you don't know anything about this woman - it's because parents don't know about the private lives of teachers - they keep them very separate from their professional life.

It would be me saying I have really intense feelings towards her that I want to explore as I'm not sure I'm actually even straight anymore
So basically you're going to tell your DH that either you're going to cheat on him or you're going to leave him, despite not even knowing if the woman is gay! FFS get a hold of yourself. Even if she was gay it wouldn't mean that she was single, or remotely interested in you. You're reading feelings into this from her side purely because you want them to exist and not because you have any proof or grounds for suspicion. And to be honest you're sounding really selfish. You could wreck your marriage, your daughter's life and even this woman's job, and all because you think you might have feelings towards a stranger.

Google 'limerence' OP

I’m in a similar position. I’ve never had a relationship with a woman but its always been a thought in the back of my mind. I’m very attracted to people over gender. I’ve got a very big crush on someone who works closely with one of my children. She’s married with three kids and there’s no specific vibe. It is something I would like to explore but I know I’m in a committed relationship. My husband and reasonably so wouldn’t take it well. I do wish I’d taken time when I was younger to explore female relationships. My husband is quite blokey so I suspect I crave a deeper and more emotional relationship.

If you want to end your marriage I’d suggest doing it because your unhappy not because of a crush. You’d be giving up a lot. I do though understand your confusion but reverse it and ask yourself how you’d feel if your husband came to you declaring he had a big crush on someone at work.

I would love to be able to explore a female relationship but I’d be hedging my bets and would damage my relationship with my husband.

Friar, I started off thinking it would be selfish of the OP to say something to her husband at this stage but having read the whole thread, it sounds like this situation has caused a seismic shift in the OP which she can’t ignore, irrespective of whether anything happens with the teacher or not.

She needs an opportunity to process this supposed shift or find out if she is releasing something she might have suppressed.

OP sounds like some counselling might help regardless of whether you tell your husband at this stage. Or at least start with some counselling first and then speak to your husband as a counsellor might help you with how to communicate on this?

Op I have no sympathy. None whatsoever. I have left an abusive marriage and seen the havoc it has wrought for my children.

To act on these feelings in any way, including telling your husband would be unconscionable in my view. You do not know this woman remotely, no matter what you are telling yourself.

Google limerance, go for counselling and frankly, get a grip.

And send your subsequent children to a different setting.

In fact I feel really angry. You are being grossly overindulgent of your own fantasy at the potential expense of your children's security. Fucking outrageous.

You sound creepily obsessed with this woman. Someone you hardly know.
I'm sure if she even got a whiff of this she would be freaked out. Its creepy.

End your marriage first, OP.

Then you'll be able to distinguish between your feelings of guilt, shame and limerance. Better for a child to have two parents happily apart than unhappily together living a lie.

Seek out some legal advice and counselling before you make a final decision. And have a plan about where you're going to go, because some men will turn nasty in that period between splitting up and leaving and you don't know how he will react.

Btw there's no good reason to mention your sexuality or how you feel about this woman to your h. Some men will use that sort of intimate knowledge against you after a split (finances/child arrangements) so much safer to keep it to yourself. The key thing is you're not happy in the marriage. That's all he needs to know.

parents don't know about the private lives of teachers - they keep them very separate from their professional life

THIS

Please at least get to know her properly- it sounds all in your head at the moment- also be aware that at my school, we text too but it's sent via a computer with our names at the bottom- so it seems the text from us individually but it is a work system - necessary for safeguarding

I don't think you know this woman well enough to be in love with her, OP. Two ten minute interactions a week and a few texts wouldn't even scrape the surface of getting to know someone. I think perhaps you've created in image in your head of what you think she is like, and what you would be like together and are infatuated with that.

I would take a step back and try and focus on your marriage. Don't consider calling it a day until you've done everything in your power to reignite your love and passion for your partner, be it marriage counselling, self help books or quality time together.

Best of luck.

You sound irrational. What if you tell your husband, detonate your marriage and your kids’ lives into the bargain, and then it turns out this woman is straight. Or in a relationship. Or not interested in you. Or not willing to get involved with a parent. All of which are more likely than her suddenly declaring she feels the same way as you. And even if she did, you’re hardly going to ride off into the sunset together, when you have two distraught kids, a husband who hates you and family & friends who will be bemused and possibly unsupportive. And you’ll be the talk of the playground.

And have a plan about where you're going to go, because some men will turn nasty in that period between splitting up and leaving and you don't know how he will react

The poor bloke has no idea what's going on. What a horrible thing to say.

You are being grossly overindulgent of your own fantasy

Sums it up, really. You sound amazingly selfish. It's all you you you and no consideration for your husband or daughter.

Grow up.

Do NOT tell your husband. Yet. There is no point because you really, really don't know what you are actually feeling yet.

DO look up the word 'limerance' on Google. Read up on it. See if it feels like it fits.

Also, the way you describe this reminds me of the kind of way I've heard some counsellees discuss their counsellor. It sounds a lot like some sort of transference: it's like this woman has become a family therapist for you.

DO see a therapist, quietly, and talk about the intensity of these feelings (which could be a proxy for all sorts of other things, or may actually indicate a sexual preference). If you need to after doing some processing, THEN tell your DH.

You are being grossly overindulgent of your own fantasy

and

Sums it up, really. You sound amazingly selfish. It's all you you you and no consideration for your husband or daughter.

^^This

"I am very interested in parenting and childcare, and since having children have considered retraining and going into early years teaching myself, so maybe I'm slightly in awe of her."
I think sometimes, our crushes represent something missing in our own lives - our missed opportunities...the person you think you love, is more a symbol of what you wish you could be, then who they really are. (If that makes sense!)

Your husband sounds lovely.

Maybe she fancies him.

Crushes don't mean you don't love your h.

Attraction to people of the opposite sex doesn't mean you're a gay person living a lie.

Imagine if every person with an infatuation ended their marriage.

Imagine if every bi person thought their life had to change when they were attracted to someone of the opposite sex to their partner.

And you’ll be the talk of the playground.

And the staffroom - for the duration of your child's career there if you have called this wrongly!

What has she said in conversations / texts to you that make you think this is anything other than a friendly professional relationship?