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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In love with female teacher...

320 replies

Tumbletee · 30/04/2019 23:32

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 08:58

Thank you onecup for making me feel like this isn't completely crazy and also completely not "a crush"... I know it isn't that. I'm so glad you clearly found your happy ending. Everything is just so confusing at the moment. I think she's interested in me too, and if she is that makes things a million times more complicated! I need to try and get my head around this all, and then decide whether I need to tell dh.

OP posts:

nomilknosugarplease · 01/05/2019 09:07

OP I really wouldn’t risk your marriage for a lady you have only ever spent a maximum of 10 minutes with. You don’t know anything about her

QueenBeex · 01/05/2019 10:14

When you text her is it strictly just about your daughter? Is she showing any interest in you in the msgs? Have you ever seen her out side of school?

If she turned around and told you she likes you and wants to give it ago, what would you do? Can you actually see your self divorcing your husband for this woman if it ever (very unlikely) came to it?

Oh and I wouldn't feel guilty about any dreams you're having, I think most of us have dreamed about another person whilst bring in a relationship, that's out of your control.

You need to do what's best for you anyway op. If you do send your other child to a different school then you could text the teacher and tell her you're interested in meeting for a drink, if she says no then at least you'll never have to see her again anyway. But could you do that to your husband?

KM99 · 01/05/2019 10:22

OP. I think you need to look at this from two angles. Firstly your sexuality, I don't think you should rush to put labels on yourself. Sexuality is fluid and you are having a healthy, normal experience.

Secondly, and probably most importantly is how you deal with the temptation you face. I think the answer is the same if this was a man or a woman. What's more important to you? Your marriage or her? If it's your marriage then I suggest you do your best to keep some distance until your DD goes to school.

TheLazyDuchess · 01/05/2019 10:23

I think you could be bisexual. If you were single, had the chance to rip her clothes off, and would, you probably are. It doesn't change anything about you, other than it means you're attracted to some women. Not all women obviously, but this one in particular clearly floats your boat.

The question isn't so much are you bisexual, as are you willing to leave your dp, to try sex wit women. If not, and you think you might cheat, distance from this woman, until the end of term, is probably your best option.

bridgetreilly · 01/05/2019 10:24

Stop the fantasizing and focus on your marriage.

HoumiLoomi · 01/05/2019 10:41

I think you need to tell your DH. You seem sure that you want to and would cheat if the opportunity presented itself. Seeing his confusion and hurt might give you a wake up call. Unless you want to remain under this spell?

I have experience of a similar situation with my cousin and her DH. She left him. It was no “happy ending” for her children.

DovePetal · 01/05/2019 10:42

Is there anything about her that you think might be lacking in yourself, if you had her attributes (could be her career, persona, style, interests, social standing, skills, passions, physique etc) do you think you would feel better about yourself?

I sometimes get a lady boner over unlikely crushes (despite being happily married) - but I think that surge of dopamine (as a PP nicely put it) is a quasi-sexual thrill about potential within me and who I could be if that makes sense?

englishdictionary · 01/05/2019 10:45

Oh don’t say ‘it’s JUST a crush’

Why not? It is just a crush.

A crush can be overwhelming and it doesn’t matter how old you are.

It can, but it doesn't make it any more than it is, which is a crush.

HoumiLoomi · 01/05/2019 10:47

Tumbletee I don’t see how her being interested would make things more complicated? You aren’t planning on betraying your spouse are you? Regardless of your or her feelings acting on them would be an awful thing to do while still married.

Bookworm4 · 01/05/2019 10:48

Why is your DD teacher text/msgin you? I have 4 DC and never been personally contacted by a teacher, she's overstepping boundaries. Cut this off and consider moving pre school unless you want to end your marriage.

StarlightLady · 01/05/2019 11:32

To begin with I don’t do judgemetal. I wouldn’t be concerned about issues with regard to your sexuality, it is not important. I was in my 30s before I realised (or, maybe acknowledged) that I was attracted to the softness of women as well as men and have had friendships with both. I’m not into the prefix labels and today simply regard myself as “sexual”.

So, you have met someone (let’s forget the gender thing) who you fancy like mad. In many marriages this happens, and we often fancy people we know comparatively little about.

Clearly your daughter needs to remain in this placement. Certainly this is no business of your Husband either. And yes, situations like this can set your insides bubbling. I would suggest, enjoying your fantasies and dreams, make them as sensual and lovely as you want to. But back in the real world proceed with caution.

In the past, I once misread the signals of someone (female) and it got very awkward.

Pomegranateseeds · 01/05/2019 11:38

I have totally been in this type of situation. I really think it's more common than everyone thinks. I also wouldn't minimise it by saying it's just a crush. It's incredibly intense and real and meaningful. Personally I try not to ignore the feelings and I tell a very trusted close friend and spill all. I'd try to act normally with the person, neither avoiding nor going out of my way.
It may well be that she's gay and that you're picking up a vibe, that's usually the case with me.
I would enjoy the harmless fantasy (in your head) and not feel guilty about it as long as you don't act on it.
I find an obsession v all consuming and then after a year or so I notice it's gone. Has happened since I was a teen.

slashlover · 01/05/2019 12:01

OP you see her for 20 minutes per week so with a normal school year that's maybe 10 hours? You don't know what she's really like which means it's easy to build up what you think she is like.

She could be abusive. She could be tight with money. She could have a secret gambling problem. She could be the most perfect woman in the world. You don't know her.

Meandmetoo · 01/05/2019 12:06

It's a common garden variety crush op, nothing special, just a crush.

Tell dh what? That you have a crush on someone? What would you hope to achieve by sharing that?

pejorativelyspeaking · 01/05/2019 12:08

Limerance

MashPotatoMashPotato · 01/05/2019 12:16

So you’ve took a fancy to a woman you see in passing when she’s in work mode and you are questioning your sexuality over it? You don’t actually know this woman at all do you? Don’t risk your marriage over something so ridiculous.

Meandmetoo · 01/05/2019 12:18

Perjoratively - yep.

Tragic.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 01/05/2019 12:27

You barely know her. Being honest, the only responses you seem to be reacting postitively towards are those suggesting that this may be more than a crush, relationship worthy stuff. If I were you, and I loved my husband and valued my marriage I would dial any interaction right down. No unnecessary text messages, and avoid school run as much as possible.

perhapsiwill · 01/05/2019 12:29

I know how you feel OP but I'm in love with one of my best friends. Have no idea how to stop it. No idea if she has any feelings for me but can't do anything as both with men for 15 years

BarrenFieldofFucks · 01/05/2019 12:29

I think she's interested in me too, and if she is that makes things a million times more complicated!

why?

whatacrapusername2306 · 01/05/2019 12:29

I would rather be in your situation than mine. Happily married, 2 kids and suddenly have a crush on an 18 year old lad I know. Made worse by the fact I can see all his social media. Absolutely nobody is aware and I will keep it that way. I mean Im old enough to be his mother for goodness sake. Shudder

StarlightLady · 01/05/2019 13:40

@whatacrapusername2306. As you are going to keep it that way, nothing wrong with that. It shows you are younger at heart. Female sexuality increases with age.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 01/05/2019 13:57

So, you have met someone (let’s forget the gender thing) who you fancy like mad. In many marriages this happens, and we often fancy people we know comparatively little about.

^^ Well put. Unless you actually want to end your marriage for reasons other than this, let it be and it'll fade away at some point. I've experienced this type of intense attraction a few times during my 20 + year marriage - probably because everyday life is a bit boring! - and it goes away after a bit.

I've got a slight crush on someone right now and I suspect he fancies me too, but as we're both happily married with families, we won't do anything about it, it would do so much damage. We just enjoy a flirt when we see each other.

Lizzie48 · 01/05/2019 13:59

I think that if you value your marriage at all, you need to pull back from this. You could lose everything only to find that this lady doesn’t live up to the fantaay in your head. You don’t really know her at all, after all.

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