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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In love with female teacher...

320 replies

Tumbletee · 30/04/2019 23:32

Aibu to ask for advice/what is wrong with me?!
NC for obvious reasons.... Happily married to dh for eight years, and have two young children. Always considered myself completely heterosexual, never had any feelings to suggest otherwise, or question that, but over the past year, I've developed intense, overwhelming feelings towards my dds FEMALE preschool teacher! I only see her for approximately ten mins twice a week, but everytime it seems to intensify these feelings, and I can't seem to stop thinking about her. She's probably twenty years older than me, an average middle aged woman, but something about her is causing me to question wtf is going on in my brain?! I truly love my dh, we are very happy, and I feel guilty/ashamed/confused by these thoughts. I keep telling myself it doesn't actually matter as nothing is going to happen anyway, but then I have these fantasies where she tells me she knows how I feel and she feels the same, and it makes my heart race. It sounds insane. Even more now I've wrote it down and admitted everything. But what does it mean?! Am I bisexual? The thought of any other woman doesn't appeal to me at all, in the slightest, it's just her. She messaged me last week (occasionally she'll message about dd, school etc), but this was something really unimportant, and it seemed like maybe she was making an excuse to message me, and I convinced myself she felt the same, and got really excited... Then felt the awful guilt about dh, and how on earth I could be feeling like this about another person. Why after 35 years of "being straight" am I now fantasizing about myself being with a woman? I feel like I'm completely infatuated with her... Any advice?

OP posts:

GirlsBlouse17 · 01/05/2019 19:03

I suggest you don't tell DH .

puddinglump · 01/05/2019 19:15

Don’t tell your DH I’m a gay woman and I had a ‘friend’ who developed a crush on me. I’m just me I don’t treat anyone differently but she read something in it and had ‘dreams’ about me and told her other half. As far as I know they’re still together but it ruined my standing in the village (very small fishing village) I had to leave. I became the big bad lesbian who tried to ruin their relationship.

Let your thoughts go, don’t tell her and don’t tell him! Have your dreams your wishes but don’t do anything about it!

You could ruin your marriage and her life.

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 19:17

Your description sounds exactly like a crush. There's nothing to say a crush won't be intense, some people go full stalker mode over their crushes, or even destroy their families/marriages.

I think the thing about a crush is the lack of substance, permanence or real knowledge about the other person when you first feel the attraction, and yes sometimes intensity that is completely unwarranted - and sometimes people don't perceive how superficial the basis is until after they are done with the crush, or have tried to act on it and look back at what they staked on it.

Personally I would withdraw yourself from the temptation a bit and give your head a wobble. Try to reconnect with the reality, what you would lose, what you really knew about this person's heart and soul when the tumbler clicked in your head.

Jackielaffertyiscold · 01/05/2019 19:27

Dont tell your husband, that is just madness

Original poster

Tumbletee · 01/05/2019 19:34

I get that I don't really "know" her, but what should I do then, get to know her before telling my dh? Surely that's worse? I cannot just ignore this anymore, whatever anyone says. I know what I'd lose by telling dh.... I'd lose the life we've built together, probably some friends and definetely some family. I'd lose the stability of our family unit and all for what? I'm not really sure, but I have to be honest with myself about how I feel. It's nice to know others have been I similar situations, makes this feel less "odd".

OP posts:

TeaForTheWin · 01/05/2019 19:39

I don't think you have to lose anything. I would just take him aside and say 'so I have something odd to tell you and I guess its a bit of a strange thing to say but in the interest of openness I felt I should. Also, I never want to be anything but transparent with you. I've always considered myself straight...but lately I've developed a bit of a crush on dds teacher, who is a woman. I'm not sure how I feel about this and im not sure how you should feel but I think you should know because you're my partner and when I have strange feeling shit going on...you're the first person I want to tell'.

TeaForTheWin · 01/05/2019 19:40

I mean you haven't cheated. They are just crush feelings. Plus im not even sure some men would consider cheating with a woman ACTUAL cheating. Just saying.

Pomegranateseeds · 01/05/2019 19:57

I don’t see why you shouldn’t tell DH. You may find that once it’s out there and not a secret anymore, the intensity will be relieved a little. You may find him more understanding than expected.
The truth is none of us know how he’ll feel, and none of us really know how you feel or why you feel the way you do. So you do whatever you feel you need to. I don’t see why you shouldn’t be fully honest about it. Although I would spare him any details from the fantasy!
Good luck.

VeryQuaintIrene · 01/05/2019 20:19

Do NOT tell your husband.

KatieHack · 01/05/2019 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ivegotthree · 01/05/2019 20:27

This really is just a crush. Just because it's a woman doesn't mean it's better, or purer.

Move on and stop risking your family's happiness for this self-indulgence.

Sewrainbow · 01/05/2019 20:39

Thing is telling you dh might alleviate your feelings but think very carefully about what it would do to his...

Think about it in reverse, if he were telling you that he had feelings for some else, even if he didn't want to act on them. How would you feel?

The fact it's another woman is neither here nor there, it's the potential chucking a grenade it a good happy marriage for what?

I'm not unsympathetic and in fact have been in your exact situation, I distanced myself from school run until my child moved schools. We live in a village too and it was the thought of ruining both of our heterosexual marriages and children's relationships and professional standing that made me think twice. To tell dh would have hurt him terribly for nothing.

It is limerence as a pp said. I didn't know the term until I was looking for help with my feelings. I still have them a bit but won't do anything about them just like I wouldn't for another man, I do really know.

As for therapy or being no, that's just daft. When we love or attracted to someone, it's the person we fall for not their sexuality!

Bella444 · 01/05/2019 20:39

Do not tell your husband.

Sewrainbow · 01/05/2019 20:40

Don't really know...

Therapy for having bisexual feelings...

Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 20:51

You sound like your going through another adolescence

What is it in your current relationship that you lack?

Does the teacher remind you of someone?

Or is it the emotional attachment your getting that is pulling your strings?

She’s considerably older than you as well

Sounds like a crush to me - I wouldn’t do anything silly. Enjoy the feeling for the next few months and see if it goes away

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 01/05/2019 20:52

Do NOT tell your husband. You are in the infatuated stage of a crush, that's all. Don't be that foolish person who throws their life away for a crush!

emotionalaffair · 01/05/2019 20:55

Don't tell your DH. I would much rather not have known about DH's "crush". It really has thrown a hand grenade into our marriage.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 01/05/2019 20:55

Like PP's, I can't understand why you want to tell your DH. It'll probably really hurt him and possibly damage your marriage.

If you must tell someone IRL, tell a trustworthy close friend. You might find that it feels less intense once you've actually voiced your feelings - but your DH isn't the person to hear this.

Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 21:02

I’ve had a few crushes in my time

They always pass and you always look back feeling a bit of a dick!

BarrenFieldofFucks · 01/05/2019 21:15

Honestly, you would only be telling him for your own benefit. It will shatter his life. You need to woman up, grow up and deal with it yourself.

HoumiLoomi · 01/05/2019 21:22

I think the counselling is for her seemingly being willing to throw her marriage away for someone she doesn’t know at all. It’s not that the feelings are bisexual. It’s counselling can work through limerence. Often intense feelings like this can be more about seeing what’s lacking in yourself in another person.

ByeClaire · 01/05/2019 21:28

Feeling like this for over a year is a long time, OP, so calling it a crush does seem dismissive.

You haven’t said much about her - does she have a partner? Is she openly gay/bisexual?

Do you think there’s a chance that if you had a proper chat with her, like went for lunch, the bubble would burst? Not that I’m recommending it but it does seem madness as others have said for you to consider telling your DH.

I had a very inappropriate infatuation recently, and DH did know and in fact told me it was inappropriate when I was openly musing about this person once, and it was something of a joke between us and something I was open about with him. But the difference was there is absolutely no way I wanted to have anything physical with this person and no way anything would happen (they’d be horrified). Your situation is different in that you really do crave something real with her, and telling your husband that is going to potentially introduce doubt, jealously, Insecurity, paranoia, hurt and anger into your relationship.

Eastie77 · 01/05/2019 21:29

She shouldn't be sending you text messages, it seems very unprofessional. On the other hand it may just be the way she chooses to communicate with parents although the doubt the school would support this. Are you friendly enough with any of the other mums to casually ask if they receive texts from her?

It may be very disappointing for you to hear but perhaps her behaviour towards you is no different to the way she treats parents in general.

RuffleCrow · 01/05/2019 21:30

This happens more than you'd imagine.
Two reasons:

1)you're not really heterosexual and she's just the catalyst for that realisation. It was bound to hit you sooner or later. For lots of women, once we've reproduced we suddenly feel the lifelong hetero-pressure eases off and it sparks that journey of self-realisation - of all the things we've been pushing down our whole lives.

this teacher represents one or more things you really admire/ want more of in your own life. Is she nurturing? Do you need nurturing? Does she really seem to care about your dc? Do you need more people in your life who care about you both? Is she very confident? Do you wish you were more confident? etc etc

I've been there and got the tshirt as you can probably tell.

KindergartenKop · 01/05/2019 21:30

The text thing is weird. She shouldn't be doing that.

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