Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

[Februaryblooms]

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

Of course you say no!!!!

Don't give it a moments more thought . Say no now.

warn her that she won't get any sleep. You'll need to be in and out of the living room at all hours and don't want to disturb her.

"Hi Jane, it's not going to work this year with a new born but how about we aim for next Easter instead"

Just say no! She clearly has no idea about the reality of a new baby.

Argh. The stuff of nightmares!
“Hi friend, thanks for the offer but it’s not going to be possible for us to host you when the baby is born. Let’s get together when he/she’s a bit older. Lots of love FebruaryBlooms”

No offence to your friend but what an idiot. I’d actually be angry at the naivety of it. Even before I had ds I would never have thought this was ok!

Say no. If you really need more detail say your first was a non sleeping cluster feeder and you will be on the sofa till 2 or3 am every night watching the worst of Netflix and the 3yo will be up at 6 bouncing around so for her own health you are going to say no.
I have two non sleepers.

Good God. That's insane. Just say no.

"Hey, I'm sorry for not saying before, but I'm afraid you can't come and stay. It's just going to be too much with a new baby - I know you want to help, but honestly it will make it harder".

Does she really not see that lack of space, having a newborn, and needing family time are issues, or have you just not told her?

Tell her asap that you cannot accommodate her and that you are looking forward to bonding with your new arrival without having the stress of having deal with someone being in your house for two fucking weeks.

I can't believe she is thinks this is a normal thing to do.

Way too much angst over her bonkers proposal. Thank her for her kind offer, say you’ve thought it over and you’re going to decline. You’ll let her know when you can accommodate at visit. Don’t spend much time explaining the reason, that leads to arguments.

I wouldn't get into lots of excuses that she could argue about - just a clear can't do it/doesn't work for me/not possible now but offer another time (in the vague distant future).

Hi friend
Lovely of you to offer to come and help but me or dh will be sleeping on the sofa/feeding baby on the sofa during the night so we cannot put you up. Maybe try for the summer when we’re in a bit of a routine.

To amend my OP it was supposed to say I've had a few FRIGHTS, not fights

Gosh.
She has set the bar low if that's her idea of a holiday

Hi xxx been thinking and I am sorry but coming for a fortnight so soon after the baby arrived is not going to work. I am sure you understand the first few weeks are key in getting us bonded as a family unit and into a routine and with you sleeping on the sofa that’s not going to work and you will be terribly disturbed as we settle the new one in. Perhaps we could look to rearrange for late summer?

“Would have been lovely but will be impossible with a newborn, I’ll be all over the place and will need my living room”. Proper CF! Totally insensitive and ridiculous. I’d be so pissed off!

"Hi Friend, it's so lovely of you to offer, but with a newborn it'll be easier for all of us to be on our own in the initial weeks. We'd love you to visit us in July instead though, can you do any dates in July?"

Tell her that you think a visit would be much more useful when baby is a few months old and dh is back at work, you’re out and about and feeling the need for company during mat leave. Tell her you’d like to be able to enjoy her company and make the most of the time together. Sell it as a really positive thing, like her visit is so special that you want to be able to make the most of it, or that you need her desperately in six months’ time?

Tell her you can’t guarantee baby will arrive on time and you might miss her visit if baby’s late?

Or could you have family that will be staying around the time of the birth? Even if you have to invent some?

Blame your hubby.

We use each other as an excuse all the time when we feel too awkward or feel we would offend.

Sorry xxxx but I think DH would get the arse on...
But soon as we've all got settled in to a routine and he puts his face straight ill let you know when would be good for a few days

Oh poor you this is a nightmare! I'd be exactly the same as you but obviously you have to say no. Just text and say

'Thanks for your offer to come and stay it's really lovely of you but to be honest I don't think it will work for the next few months. I think it's important we have some time as a family of four to get used to everything and bond with the baby. We really want you to meet them of course but just a bit later when we have had time to adjust and things settle down. I hope you understand. It's going to be a big adjustment for us all and we need to get used to things before we have guests staying.'

Good luck!!!

That would be a no from me.

I wouldn’t want to host someone for two weeks at the best of times, never mind when I was just getting my head around caring for a newborn. I would just say that you appreciate her offer but that it won’t work - please could she think about a shorter stay much later in the year (and even that is a stretch when you have a houseful).

Just say no. Time to be blunt and tell it like it is. Lovely as friend is, having a new born is like being in the trenches and you just need space and privacy to get on with it, bleed all over the bathroom, sit on the sofa at 4am with both boobs out and spray milk everywhere that isn't already covered in baby vomit. If she really wants to help you she'll wait and organise a (short) visit at a more convenient time.