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Original poster

Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

372 replies

Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 22:16

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 12/03/2019 00:00

Well done - are you relieved ?

Thisisnotadrill · 12/03/2019 00:00

Thanks for your offer to come and stay it's really lovely of you but to be honest I don't think it will work for the next few months. I think it's important we have some time as a family of four to get used to everything and bond with the baby. We really want you to meet them of course but just a bit later when we have had time to adjust and things settle down. I hope you understand. It's going to be a big adjustment for us all and we need to get used to things before we have guests staying

You say this.

Treaclesweet · 12/03/2019 00:07

Send the lemon-clot essay!

Shinesweetfreedom · 12/03/2019 00:07

Fucking hell,you just know if she were to have come she will hold the baby for two minutes,then expected to be waited on for two weeks,and she will get the arse when she’s getting in the way and not put first.If she replies she doesn’t mind it being squashed then blame hubby.Well actually I didn’t like to say this but husband says happy to have you visit,but you will need to book your own accommodation.Thats that sorted.

Fishwifecalling · 12/03/2019 00:11

If she comes back and says it'll be fine then

"I'm not sure if you know the realities of life with a newborn but it would be a nightmare and totally unfeasible. It's not all cuddles and sweetness. I'll be bleeding, sore, tired and grouchy. Dh and I will be at each other's throats if last time was anything to go by and ds will be out of his routine and probably be having jealous tantrums. There is no way on earth this would be a good idea or workable. It would be mad to do it and we'd 100% fall out. We'll sort something out later when we are more settled and in a routine"

peskypooches · 12/03/2019 00:13

Just to put the opposite view..... My Aunt came to stay when I had DTs (after DH's paternity fortnight) and we all had a ball! Different scenario as I had no older DC, and they were my first, plus we have a spare room. But I really appreciated her being there and newborns sleep a lot so we had loads of time to chat etc, it was great.

I totally accept that your situation isn't the same, (plus my DTs had 3 weeks in NICU so came out with a lovely 4 hourly bottle feed routine), but company, and support with nappy changes isn't necessarily to be sniffed at. When your DP has to go back to work, might this actually be a nice thing?

TheInvestigator · 12/03/2019 00:14

Some people are just really dim. How on earth could she think that was a good idea!

Hope the reply I'd understand, but stick to your guns no matter what!

OddCat · 12/03/2019 00:16

It won't be a nice thing because Op's husband works shifts and won't be able to have a sleep on the sofa !

peskypooches · 12/03/2019 00:24

Oh sorry, missed that about shifts....... As I said, we were lucky to have a spare room, but the sofa situation wouldn't work for OP then, regardless of anything else!

InionEile · 12/03/2019 00:24

You dodged a bullet there, OP. That sounds like a nightmare for all concerned! If she goes through with it anyway, I predict you'll have her clubbed unconscious with the business end of a breast pump by Day 3 Grin...

1forAll74 · 12/03/2019 00:26

Saying the same as everyone,, just say no to your friend. I think even if you had several spare bedrooms, it would still be no. You and your partner, and baby, and toddler just need your own time together at this special time.

Your friend maybe a bit upset, but so be it, , too bad, !

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 12/03/2019 00:47

She's read my message but hasn't replied as she's likely asleep now but I'll update with what she says when she responds.

I'm glad I've gotten it out the way but I'm dreading her response. I'll admit I've took the cowards way out a bit by shifting some blame onto an oblivious DP Blush

I'll tell him about this tomorrow, he'll probably find it quite amusing (now I've ensured she's not coming at least)

My DM lives nearby and will be on hand to pop in for a couple of hours to help with meals or whatever in the early weeks should we need a hand. I'm very grateful for that, in part because she's a very low maintenance visitor. I just know I couldn't handle the majority of my friends from back home coming to stay because the dynamic is completely different and I'd feel obliged to play host.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 12/03/2019 00:59

Big NO from me if any one at all said that. Not a chance.

Roxyxoxo · 12/03/2019 01:03

I would definitely say no! Not only may you be recovering from birth and want some privacy, but you and your partner should be able to enjoy/muddle through the first few weeks as a new family; with visitors and help as and when you would like it (and when people are happy to). Also, there tends to be a lot of appointments and stuff to sort in the first few weeks, you definitely don’t want to have to be sorting stuff for someone else or looking after them.

expat101 · 12/03/2019 01:38

No! Because then you will feel responsible for playing host and ensuring she has every she needs and it's not a time for that at all.

Topseyt · 12/03/2019 01:50

Even before I had ever had my own children I wouldn't have dreamt of making such an imposition on anyone else at such a time.

Either she is pretty dim or she has no concept of boundaries if she thinks this is even remotely OK. It is a serious imposition on someone else's privacy at a very vulnerable time. She is an utter idiot if she can't see that.

I hope she doesn't try to wriggle round your text. The fact that you have blamed your DP might well suggest to her that you actually do want her around and are just appeasing him.

You may need to be much more unequivocal and assertive if she does that.

Jezebel101 · 12/03/2019 02:32

If she pursues it further, tell her thanks but the first few months of a babys life is very important to the family dynamic and it's crucial you all have time to get to know the new baby as parents and for your child as a sibling, and that these are special private family times that you can never have back. Then tell her you know she wouldn't want you worrying about hosting her in the middle of all that.

There's oblivious and then there's willfully ignorant, if she'd have given a moments thought to your needs and your family, she'd never have suggested imposing on you with a newborn.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/03/2019 02:40

I just know I couldn't handle the majority of my friends from back home coming to stay because the dynamic is completely different and I'd feel obliged to play host.

This seems a bit sad. Not that you couldn't handle friends staying just after you've given birth - there are so many reasons why that would not work well for virtually anyone - but that you would feel obliged to play host when they are supposedly coming to help you out. Is it down to your friends all being very high maintenance or down to you being so much of a people pleaser you aren't comfortable letting people please you?

MyOtherProfile · 12/03/2019 03:36

Well done OP. Hope she sends am understanding reply.

Gone4Good · 12/03/2019 04:15

A relative invited themselves to stay with us for a month when our baby was two months old. I lived in the US and she in the UK. She slept on single bed in the baby's room and he woke up every two hours to BF. She didn't expect that and complained about her lack of sleep. To make matters worse, I had to leave the door open so I could hear him.

She didn't lift a finger to help and complained about the mess. I'd had a very difficult birth and almost died when I was recovering from the emergency CS from an infection that was drug resistant.

She also expected me to go out partying with her. One night I tried to leave the baby for a few hours to go out on the town with her and was so very miserable and then I leaked milk all over the place.

Women who have never been around newborns don't understand that they have your attention 24/7.

BlackCatSleeping · 12/03/2019 04:24

That was a good message!

I just want to reassure you that in no way have you done anything wrong or made any mistakes here. This is entirely on your friend. If she takes any offense then that is 100% on her not you.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 12/03/2019 04:35

You definetly did the right thing for your family. We have 6 month old DS, and had a bad enoygh tine trying to get him to sleep and feed with just my DH and I, never mind no spare room and having a toddler as well. We stayed with family over Christmas and I found it very stressful over not having a couch to retreat to in the middle of the night, but the bigger thing I stressed over was DS crying overnight. I really didn't enjoy my DS first christmas.

Nothinglefttochoose · 12/03/2019 04:55

Say no

dustarr73 · 12/03/2019 05:29

Some people have no cop on.

Shes going to come back with a counter offer,especially as she has the hide of a rhino.

Better have another text ready to go.

Littlemissdaredevil · 12/03/2019 05:38

You may have to keep repeating yourself. I had a friend who want to come and visit with her boyfriend when I had her newborn. We live in a tiny house with one reception room. I simply kept repeating that there was no room and there was no bed for them to sleep in! The said they would stay on a blow up bed in the living room. I pointed out to them there was no room in the living room as DH was sleeping in there so he could get some sleep at night!

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