Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

[Februaryblooms]

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

You don’t think it’s moved on in 13 pages? If you don’t want to read it, why post?

oop thread police are here

? I had read every post in the 14 page thread before replying and the ops posts twice, what did I miss?

No need to lie, plenty of examples of messages you can use in this thread.

If she reacts badly, then she wasnt that good a friend in the first place.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't be suprised if she was using you a base to see other people, as no sane person would want to do this.

To be frank, just send her a link to this thread.

So no reply, she has got the hump with you. YOu told her months ago you wasen't sure and you did not want to commit, but she has ignored your wishes and wants to come anyway, very pushy and selfish. She does not sound like a good friend. A good friend would not behave like this and would take your cue. She wanted a cheap holiday with you, and you saying no, put paid to that.

To be frank, just send her a link to this thread.

It might not be necessary.

Hi, just an update

She didn't reply to my message, although she has been 'liking' and commenting on my Facebook status update in a perfectly upbeat way today.

I don't always reply to Facebook messages myself so with that in mind I think she's probably not too offended after all, or at least if she was then she's gotten over it now.

She will just turn up at your house, you know that, don't you?

Also, please go back to your original username Februaryblooms, with a low b. Otherwise, your updates won't be highlighted and the occasional pp may miss them.

Well done @Februaryblooms
A) definitely right to not want her there - I remember with my second of three my completely overbearing MIL constantly being there and interfering and cooking god awful food (cottage pie, broad beans and parsley sauce whilst remarking what a great cook she was - wtaf! Yes it was disgusting)
B) great message
C) if she has the hump then that’s her issue not yours - you can only control what you can control
D) glad she has liked other posts - likely blow over all ok
E) good luck with the new baby

💐

Why do people find it so hard to say a polite but very firm NO to obvious CFs? There are loads of threads here by people who are being taken advantage of but are too polite to refuse!

OP, it’s your house, you set the rules and you decide whom to invite. Having a visitor in these circumstances is unacceptable. Just tell her thanks but no, it’s not going to work.

Well done, OP - I just realused you did just that (your updates weren’t highlighted because of name change)

Good luck for the baby time!

Well, that sounds positive. Maybe she felt it was unnecessary to reply, although she could have said "Ok, I understand. No worries" or something along those lines.

Or maybe she's not that bothered, but wanted to make you worry a bit.

Or maybe she did have the hump, but has got over herself. Perhaps she mentioned it to someone, and they told her it was a daft idea.

Whatever, you can put it behind you, but learn from this. You can (and should) be assertive, if something doesn't suit you. You might end up with a more equal relationship with her, where you no longer walk on eggshells around her.

Is there some sort of setting I should use, so that the OP's updates are highlighted (sorry ......)?

Just tell her you’ve thought about it and no, not now. Don’t give reasons, especially reasons why it would bother her (such as, the baby will keep you awake, etc), as she will just come back with ‘no worries, it won’t bother me’ type replies and you’ll still have to say no. If she pushes, just tell her you, your dh and baby need time for just the three of you.

How do you see the OPs messages highlighted as a couple of people have mentioned please?

@NoAngel1 - go to the top of the page, and by where it says Talk, there is a little downward arrow (v) - click on that to customise, and then you can choose to highlight your own posts and/or the OP's.

No way. She lives in cloud-cuckoo-land. If she is looking for a relaxing break, tell her to book herself a spa-weekend instead.

I told my mother not to come stay when I had a new born, she was allowed to come for a week once baby was about 10 days old and we had settled. Fuck having some random friend kicking about the house! NO.

*Lweji Thu 14-Mar-19 11:49:11
To be frank, just send her a link to this thread.

It might not be necessary*

Why might it not be necessary? Are you the friend of the op?

Why might it not be necessary? Are you the friend of the op?

Yes! I'm the childless friend with a 14 year old DS.
It's possible that her friend did read the thread, though.

@Coffeepot72....OP has slightly changed her username (capital B in blooms now) so updates won't be highlighted. Normally if you are logged in, the OP's posts are highlighted- unless of course they randomly change their username mid thread!

I would just say you need family time to help your toddler adjust so sorry, but not at the moment.