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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

372 replies

Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 22:16

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

OP posts:
screamifyouwant · 13/03/2019 20:37

I hope she's not going to ignore your message and turn up Confused

Ninabean17 · 13/03/2019 20:37

She's crazy! It's lovely to offer help but surely there's a bit of her that realises how insane that idea was?!

Sparklesocks · 13/03/2019 20:50

Everything has been said already OP but i just can’t believe anyone would do that! Even if she had any sense of self awareness and understood how hugely inconvenient it would be to you, why would you want to stay in a busy household with a newborn crying every few hours and a toddler who might start acting up if they feel their new sibling is getting more attention?? Truly mad!!

Leapfrog44 · 13/03/2019 21:39

Just say no! You want to be nesting and in a beautiful bonding cocoon having a friend will ruin it. TRUST me I made this mistake and lived to regret it

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 13/03/2019 21:46

Has she still not replied?

kateandme · 13/03/2019 22:39

your not a mug hun.and you've done the right thing.how many pages of people telling you that your in the right.and you are.
and look.you did do the right thing for you and your family.you looked at the situation and acted upon it.so your lots more brave and strong tha you think and give yourself credit for!
f she doesn't get back in touch then you mustn't take thaon.that is once again her bad.
focu on you now.dont let more worries cover up the joy of what coming.youve enough on your plate.let all the excitement fill all the nervous spaces.youve got this.
if she still doesn't get in touch and you feel you need to maybe when the baby is here you could send her a piccy.saying how grateful you are for her understanding and you cant wait to see her soon.but you DO NOT NEED to do this.

prozacgirl · 13/03/2019 22:41

She doesn't sound like a healthy friend. And you're anxiety around her reply isn't good. Just know this - her reaction has NOTHING to do with you. She doesn't have appropriate boundaries and has put you in an uncomfortable position. You have nothing to feel worried about. Any response just make a light joke and move on don't reply to any moodiness. That's manipulation. I would seriously question whether a friend like this is adding to your life.

nanof7 · 13/03/2019 22:54

I am really angry about your friend's selfish, thoughtless and beyond belief intention. This is a very sensitive time for a mother, her new baby and the rest of the very immediate family (partner, siblings). She should not even have suggested the idea (even if it was well intentioned - giving her the benefit of the doubt that she just wants a free place to stay for a break). I cannot imagine a friend not thinking this through. When my grandchildren arrived we were always happy and excited BUT it was big NO! NO! to even think of intruding without permission and a discussion about when we could visit (led, of course, by my sons and their partners). Frankly, I do not even think that you have to give any sugared up reason or have any sweet excuses. This is your call and you and you partner (who I no doubt is likely to feel, justifiably, extremely angry about her intrusion) deserve the respect of privacy needed for just watching your new babe, getting to know him/her, bonding, setting new routines, rest and sleep! I am sorry if I sound a bit passionate, but please put your foot down and simply say: No...' actually …….I have thought this through and I will I need rest and privacy and my partner and I want to be alone. I'll contact you and let you now when we can meet up....' end of story. Good luck, have a lovely delivery and I wish you and your partner all the best.

littleyellowpencil · 13/03/2019 22:59

Any reply yet op?

Littlenic73 · 13/03/2019 23:22

Of course it's not OK. I naively thought first time round I'd invite my husband's teenage brother and sister over for a month when my DD was about 3 months old. Seemed like a good idea at the time, I'd be on maternity leave, loads of time off. It so wasn't, I was knackered, the place looked like a tip.
Explain to her the reality of a newborn isn't ideal for hosting visitors, the hormones make you do and say things you might regret (etc etc), you'll let her know when life is a bit more settled and she could visit then, maybe for a week instead late summer.

CountessWindyBottom · 13/03/2019 23:27

Please don’t engage with her any further for now. You are late stage pregnancy and just enjoy these last few weeks with your little family before your gorgeous new baby arrives. I think she is incredibly thoughtless to even suggest albeit possibly a little naive but if she has now taken offense and making you feel bad over a completely unreasonable request then you really need to think seriously about what kind of friend she actually is. Best of luck with everything xx

smilingontheinside · 13/03/2019 23:29

Havnt read through so possibly repeating but your 3 year old will have 2 strangers in their home if she comes how unsettling will that be mum's friend and a new baby. Really not no no just say no

cannycat20 · 13/03/2019 23:32

Good God. Like an earlier poster, I don't have my own kids, but I have several nieces and nephews and there's no way I'd ever be so selfish as to ask to go and stay with someone who'd just had a newborn. Lord. Hope all goes well with the new baby x

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/03/2019 23:51

I suspect you will find that she will get an even bigger hump on when she realises that you are not chasing her up to make sure she isnt upset.....

Personally I dont know why you bother with someone who will always get arsey with you whenever they dont get their own way. Its about time she learned that the world doesnt revolve around her. She doesnt sound like much of a friend tbh.

villainousbroodmare · 14/03/2019 00:07

She's beyond thoughtless - your response was fine.
I had a different scenario - a good (male) friend stayed for a week after our twins were born and he was amazing. But big differences: we had a detached spare room for him; he knows us v well and our toddler son and dog both adore him - he took them both out a lot and spent hours playing with our toddler; he did grocery shopping, made cups of tea and cooked dinners; he helped DH with a stressful work project; he was very aware of not being in the way; I didn't mind bf'ing in front of him.

Dalamane · 14/03/2019 00:36

Try not to worry about it now. It doesn't matter that you've told a white lie - you're allowed to feel protective of your time and who you share it with, it is your home afterall and you're due to have a baby. I would guess from what you've already said, that your mum will be on hand and, to be honest, you need the person who you feel most comfortable with and who won't expect much, if anything, from you and can pick up on your wants & needs without and drama. I copped for my MIL (and FIL - who unfortunately had dementia) while my DH just sat and did nothing, let his mother fuss around him, they all got booted out in the end and my friend/neighbour stepped in, she was wonderful.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/03/2019 01:08

If I have missed the post, apologies, but by now I hope you have told her NO in no uncertain terms.... Enjoy your newborn

HeavensNoHellYeah · 14/03/2019 01:12

Lord no. Just NO.

Ellyess · 14/03/2019 08:52

altiara Great reply. Beautifully put. Methinks the OP would best be advised to do as you say. Certainly not what I said! (above).

Ellyess · 14/03/2019 08:56

browneyes77. You're the kind of friend we all want to have! Good for you!

Ellyess · 14/03/2019 09:11

Februaryblooms. Sorry I missed your message about your email telling her you will be too crowded to have her. Good point and she should understand that. I saw your previous emails so I must have been in a trance or something.
I hope she sees sense. But she has already shown she hasn't any sense so I wouldn't be too upset if she is not very understanding about you not having her. Some people are just a bit difficult.

You have much more lovely things to look forward to! Second babies are usually easier deliveries, so I do hope yours is. Wishing you all the best and lots of love to your family, you and new baby!

Coffeepot72 · 14/03/2019 09:41

I'm still gobstruck that the 'friend' made the suggestion in the first place!

Lancelottie · 14/03/2019 09:45

Off topic a bit, but I had my brother, SIL and their youngish baby over for a two-day visit when DS2 was about a week old.

As we waved the three of them off, DS1 looked round at DS2 and said disapprovingly, 'THAT baby is still here. They have forgotted THAT baby.'

Emmanal · 14/03/2019 09:50

Say no. I am a single mum and asked 2 friends to come and stay after my daughter was born. the first one stayed for 5 days and did nothign to help except coo at my daughter.
The second friend who came stayed a week and was very helpful.
Don't take the chance!

Riv · 14/03/2019 09:50

Don’t contact her again, please. You have been clear and very polite. Further contact will give her a chance to upset you further and maybe encourage her to find wiggle room.
You say you don’t want to fall out about something so trivial... but this is not trivial, it’s huge! A major imposition although I understand that she doesn’t realise just how unacceptable it is.
Stay strong, you have done the right thing.
If she does have a little strop, ignore it. Then at worst you can pick up this time next year and blame lack of sleep, over work and hormones...... (and have her for a few days whilst dramatically changing nappies and playing with toddler and leaving her to sort all the washing and food or making do with whatever you are mashing up for the little one 🙄)