Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

[Februaryblooms]

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

Oh and good God tell her before she goes ahead and books.
What a silly person.

Oh I have mates who I suspect would think this was a kind offer - I think quite a lot of people are shielded from the reality of childbirth recovery and just how mad the postpartum bit can be. I have no shame so I'd just be like sorry love, had my organs hanging out my vag last time and was screaming every time I did a poo, spent most of the time naked to air the tearing and feed the clusterfeeder, was also a sobbing mess.

So mental! You don’t need to have dc yourself to realise that this is a massive imposition. Totally batshit idea. I like what Cora1942 said, there can be no comeback from that. Quick, OP, text her!

My honest response: "you're clearly completely deluded about how this helps me (hint: it doesn't) or what it entails, stop any planning for it now because it's not happening".

What I'd send "your suggestion doesn't work for us and I'll be focusing on the new baby with DH, stop your plan. we'll see about meeting up once I've had a chance to settle with the new baby."

Whatever version you go for, make it totally unambiguous that her suggestion WILL NOT be happening. It's a fucking stupid idea tbh. From a number of logistical and emotional/bonding issues.

You need to protect yourself and your little family from a supposed friend imposing herself at a time when everything is up in the air. This isn't about learning to be assertive... This is such a mental idea I can't believe your friend even suggested it, never mind thinks it's got the green light from you and your DH is on board.

To add to the inconvenience of her request DP works nights and often grabs a couple of hours sleep on the sofa when he gets in so he doesn't come up and disturb me and DS, she does know this as I've mentioned it before.

He's only taking one weeks paternity leave as it is, as it pays a pittance and we can't afford to be losing any more money when DD arrives as I'll be off work for a while myself.

I'm a mug to myself as it should have been a plain and simple no from day dot, but she does have the hide of a rhino even if its well intended and I can just see her being personally offended as she genuinely doesn't grasp the difficulty of looking after a newborn so doesn't seem to think having her around will be any bother.

I'm going to have to message her and put her straight (thanks for all your suggestions suffice to say I'll be doing some copying and pasting)

P.s. don't ASK her to postpone like some posters have said. That makes it sound like you agreed and are backing out.

She shouldn't be dictating that she visits and you need to defend why... You don't. This is a stupid, naive plan which you never agreed to. Tell her clearly it's not happening so it's absolutely you calling it out here.

Stop pussyfooting like some posters would. If she's a friend, she'll understand.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh.

😲😲 My sister and her family came to stay for three days when dd was two weeks. It was a bloody nightmare. I was trapped in the bedroom at night and running around all over the place, on the last day I went up to my room and stayed there for half the day. They got the hint and left the next day.

'It's so lovely of you to offer to help but we're really keen to spend the first couple of weeks just DH and I getting used to having a newborn again. You can never quite tell what's going to happen and I'd feel awkward having a house guest, especially as we'll need the sofa for night feeds etc. You can definitely come and meet DC though! We'll save an overnight trip for when we're more settled.'

Is what I'd say if I was being nice.

What I'd be thinking is 'you are fucking bonkers'

I don't agree with people saying that she's being selfish and isn't a good friend, I just think she doesn't really have a clue and probably thinks she will be helpful.

Just be really honest. You don't have room and you'll need the lounge/sofa and it just won't work.

And if I may encourage you to also have the hide of a rhino and some too on this one. Basically remember that you and your OH will be less present for your newborn if she is there- so full on protection mode.

I’d advise against long-winded explanations of why. Just say it’s not a suitable time to have a guest. You don’t have to justify yourself, it’s a bizarre request even if well intended.
Cheerful and resolute. “(DH) and I will be getting to know our baby, I’ll be recovering and neither of us fancy having anyone sleeping on our sofa in the middle of it. Sorry pal...you’re ace to want to come and we’ll really look forward to a visit at a better time.”

He would literally think I had (or she had) lost the plot if I told him about any of this. Poor sod would feel so uncomfortable in his own home but knowing him wouldn't put his foot down and make a stand, if it were something I wanted to agree to.

Which it isn't. At all.

Oh gosh wish me luck that she doesn't go in a mood.

If she goes in a mood, I'd be questioning the friendship.

I would say no, but in the nicest possible way (something along the lines of wanting to establish routines and get used to being with the baby by yourself before your husband's paternity leave is up). Make sure that it is firm though, with no room for her to misinterpret and continue with her plans! You could always invite her down for the day, but leave it at that.

Does it really matter if she gets into a sulk? She should be capable of working out for herself that the entire idea is utterly stupid. If you make it clear that, if she comes, she won't get any sleep, with any luck she'll be glad enough to bow out.

She's like that, unfortunately.

She has been a lovely friend, confidante, emotional support (both ways) and very dear to me over the years but she's very.. how do I put it.. prone to getting the hump and going in a mood if she feels offended for example.

@FebruaryBlooms If she gets into a mood that’s HER problem. Not yours.

I was a people pleaser/wimp for a long time until I realised I was putting other people before me, my DH and our dd. A friend of mine taught me to say the phrase “Not my circus, not my monkeys” to myself whenever I worried about upsetting other people just by being assertive.

She’s being a complete CF and you need to set firm boundaries with CFs. Her moods are her choice.

She can be moody, she can be polite, but whatever reaction you need to tell her the truth now for your own sanity.

"Sorry if this is a surprise, but didn't realise you were booking tickets. I think a misunderstanding here as I won't have anyone visiting with a newborn. Probably not up for house guests for years tbh as no room. If you are staying in hotel I will try to arrange time to visit"

If you suspect she’ll be in a mood over this, then it’s, as I suspect, clear she’s a massive tit. Is there a concert nearby or an event that she wants to attend around that time? I’d really be questioning her motives, she can’t be that clueless.

If you make it clear that, if she comes, she won't get any sleep, with any luck she'll be glad enough to bow out.

Nope, won’t work. Don’t give her the choice otherwise she WILL turn up.

prone to getting the hump and going in a mood if she feels offended for example

This comes under the heading of 'tough shit '

Just tell the truth and nip it in the bud now. Say, " I'm sorry but it's not a good time to stay over. I'll let you know when the baby's settled into a routine for a visit. First few months are just too chaotic with a new born!"

I had a friend who wanted to do this. She had the best of intentions but I had to say no and I said it was mostly because I needed time to bond and establish a routine and having anyone around would conflict with that. As it turns out I ended up with an emergency section and in hospital for almost a week with baby due to complications, so I am extremely glad I didn’t have a friend visiting my home at the time. You could also point out to your friend that until the baby is here and you’re home you don’t even want to think about visitor arrangements.

She has no other reason to visit the area other than coming to see us, no concerts or anything scheduled that she's interested in.

She has expressed wanting to meet DS for a while and invited me over there a few times but it was never convenient for me. I suspect she thinks she's doing us a favour by travelling here as opposed to inviting us there now.

Now we're expecting DD imminently and shes got nothing else to do she figures it's the perfect time to meet both together and see me. God knows where she got the idea about timing as it certainly wasn't from me.