Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

[Februaryblooms]

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

I think the message you sent is great. Hopefully she’ll get the message and drop it now!

I'm glad you've told her. It's insane to invite herself for so long. You'll have a newborn to deal with, sleepless nights, feeding, etc. Also you'll be needing to give your DS lots of time and attention while he gets used to a new baby, and visitors on top. It's a recipe for disaster.

I'm in a similar set up to you -- have one toddler DS with a new baby on the way soon. I'm already worried how it'll affect him and am wanting to limit visitors this time to very close family so it's not too much for my little boy. I can't imagine a friend staying for two weeks, no way.

If she does go into a strop over it, she's not worth it. But definitely keep reiterating it's a solid NO, don't budge at all. Good luck.

I spent so much time in my sofa in the middle of the night with my babies, especially dd1 who was just endlessly hungry, and I didn’t cosleep with her... you will definitely want that sofa for someone in the middle of the nights!
Also I think having dc2 is a perfect opportunity to stop being a people pleaser. Your dc need you not to be. They need you to do what you and they need most, not what your friend or neighbour or acquaintance wants!

I wouldn’t have made out like your dp made the decision...just because it makes you seem a bit wet, having your bloke take the reigns and put his foot down like that.
I’d have said, “I’ll be leaking, oozing, establishing feeding and feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck. It’s no state to host guests in.”
YOU are saying no.

Anyway - good luck with baby....how exciting! Get that people pleasing under control!

Good on you. I’m a people pleaser. Had to change a lot due to illness. This comment by AJPTaylor did make me snort:

Gosh
She has set the bar low if thats her idea of a holiday

Hope she isn’t moody. However I suspect from how you’ve described her she will be. How dare you not agree with her!

I’m also a people pleasing mug so cantotally understand how you got into this situation!
Best of luck.

Glad you’ve sent a text but I do feel a bit sorry for your DP, she’s now probably making up some batshit narrative about him being controlling!

Good message and I hope she takes it well.

But actually OP, you had no business letting her think it was happening after she raised it the first time. She does have justification for a “you should have let me know earlier” response.

If she says that you can apologise for that while standing firm that the newborn phase is not a phase when you can have guests to stay.

Bloody hell no way. Glad you’ve told her Op. She must be a bit tactless shall we say to even think this was appropriate.
2 sodding weeks?!

Let this be the start of the new assertive you!

It seems like a lot of angst over something easily sorted. She doesn't even live close to you and you don't see her much. Why worry so much about her getting the hump? That's her problem not yours.

2 weeks good god no!

I’ve got a 5 week old and I’m just about settling into a routine, the first few weeks I spent in my pyjamas with my boobs out. The thought of anyone staying would have been horrendous.

And we’ve got the room to put them up! She’s mental.

Oh God this makes me shudder just reading it. I had my mum stay with me for a couple of weeks after my second was born to help with the toddler which was amazing (she also made me breakfast in bed and all my fave meals )
But I wouldn't want a friend there. Your older child will not be happy and will become clingy.

Oh good god no!! Wtf is wrong with the woman!
I’d never ever have anyone to stay for 2 weeks let alone having just given birth!
No one has ever stayed in my house apart from my mother in law who stayed to have the kids for a night for my husband and I to go to a wedding.
I don’t do hosting. Hate having my space invaded!

Think your message was good. Friendly and polite xx

Thank god you've replied to her! Mind and update us!

Wtf is she thinking???? I had a friend impose herself on us for entire day when DD3 was a few days old. She came under the pretence of bringing lunch & I wanted to scream at her to get out by 11pm. That was bad enough, let alone 2 bloody weeks.

Needless to say, she didn’t get over the doorstep for a loooong time.

MiL came to HELP for a fortnight both times after DH's paternity leave finished. Those extra couple of weeks made a big difference, and MiL was a genuine help for managing the house so I could rest and look after baby.

That's so far different to a friend treating you as a sofa surfing holiday. If she is offended that you can't accommodate her in these circumstances then she is no true friend.

This is Mumsnet at its very best. Great advice and support on here. Well done OP.

My goodness, that's completely insane what she is proposing!

Do NOT do it OP

The early weeks with a newborn are so tough (as you know already) this is not what you or DH need!

Unless she is going to be like super nanny/housekeeper/cook looking after you all

From what you've said, you do not have the space to host her either.

The days with a newborn are long and tiring...and they become even more so when you have a guest who has nowhere else to go!

I've been in this position (not with friends, but with family) and I really wish I'd had the strength to put my foot and just say no to the madness of having guests shortly after baby was born.

On another note DH and I are still struggling from all the fall out and resentment. He says it's all my feelings etc but I'm pissed off he still doesn't see why I was upset (1 week post partum) and generally I don't like the side of him that I saw.
Anyhow that's all for another thread.

Think very carefully!

Just say that it would be best if she came at a later date, once the baby is a bit older and you're settled into a routine. That way you don't have to say a blunt no, it's just saying not right now.

Why have you just gone and blamed your DP?

I'm confused. You could have sent that message without mentioning your DP at all. I think you need to work on your assertiveness here.

Anyway it's done now so...

If she comes back trying to persuade you she probably does have some other event planned in.....

Sorry but I think that message was a cope out. Your friend will learn jothing from this It’s not a sweet idea, is it.

"I've been talking to (DP) about it just now and he said we just don't have the space"

Nice one for throwing your DP under the bus.

You should have said no in the first place, now you just sound like a spineless loser who defers to her man about everything.

You definitely need to work on your assertiveness skills.

Whatever happened to no is a complete sentence.
Don't tie yourself up in knots making excuses and going into too much detail. Just that doesn't work for us. The suggestion of an alternative later is good. Read Anne Dixon, a woman in your own right, on assertiveness. Life changing

Nicely done OP. I'm looking forward to her response. Should be interesting. Hopefully for your sake she'll take it well.