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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

372 replies

Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 22:16

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 11/03/2019 22:31

Just say
Hi friend
Thanks for offering to come down but we want time to settle as a family for a while thanks
Don’t commit to any future dates, I wouldn’t want anyone dossing on my sofa for 2 weeks!

waterandlemonjuice · 11/03/2019 22:32

Definitely say no! You need to be firm about this.

MrsDeanWinchester75 · 11/03/2019 22:33

People astound me sometimes, if you don't want to tell her over the phone do it by text, be honest though and don't give excuses or she'll find a way around them.

I'd say something like "Hi X, I don't want to hurt your feelings but can you postpone your trip until a later date, dh and I want to have the first few months to ourselves with the new baby to get to know them and settle them into a routine.
Perhaps we could arrange a weekend over the summer for you to visit?"

YouTheCat · 11/03/2019 22:33

How far is she coming from that she needs to stay for 2 weeks?

She seems very selfish.

Elisannah · 11/03/2019 22:33

What chocolate cake, smoggle or ten thousand spoons said. I had similar where a friend wanted to come to meet the baby when she was a month old. She would have needed to stay with us, I just explained it was going to be a really hectic time with family visiting and the chaos a newborn brings but let's get a date in to catch up later on.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/03/2019 22:34

As pp said, tell her it isn't going to work for you and it would be better later in the year.
However, brace yourself for the possibility of a bit of unpleasantness. She's either clueless or has the hide of a rhino and, for reasons of her own, wants to stay with you, so she might try to argue until you give in. Do not give in. You might have to get your H to tell her to fuck off out of it if you're not good at standing up for yourself, but letting her come will end the friendship just as much as refusing to host her.

OddCat · 11/03/2019 22:34

You need to be very assertive with her. Don't whatever you do make an excuse that she can get round.

Hi friend

We won't be able to have you stay so soon after the baby arrives but we'll sort something out for a later date.

Send her a text now , the sooner you do it the better , if you leave it she'll have booked her ticket and then you'll be stuck.

AdaColeman · 11/03/2019 22:35

You've just got to say NO, and the sooner the better, like tomorrow, because once she's booked her ticket it will be too late.

Don't make any half hearted excuses like lack of space, because she will just wriggle around them.

You need to be blunt, and say you only want DH there. Other wise you will be making her tea and toast in bed while you are awake for the night feed! Wink

Come on February you can do this!

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 22:37

I hadn't even thought of stating the obvious that we'd need the sofa during the night as we'd be up and down with the baby.

She does appear completely oblivious as she's never been around newborns, at least not overnight.

My DM did stay with us for two nights when DS was born and she knew about that but that was entirely different, DP was working and he knows her well whereas he's never met this friend (we've been together 5 years and she's not travelled locally during this time)

I wish I nipped it in the bud when she brought it up the first time but I didn't take her literally at the time and thought it would be forgotten about.

OP posts:
Cora1942 · 11/03/2019 22:38

Hi Friend

Thank you for your kind offer to come and stay. After discussing with hubby we both feel this wouldnt work for so many reasons. Sorry we wont be able to accomodate you.
Maybe toddler, baby and i can come and stay with you in the summer.

Sparklybanana · 11/03/2019 22:39

I’d say ‘ha! I totally thought you were joking before! No, sorry it’s lovely for you to offer but really it’s private family time. I’ll be bleeding and sore and to be quite frank, I will likely be sitting around with boobs and belly hanging and I don’t want to have to feel the pressure of looking good or being a host at that time and I will. I know you’re trying to be helpful but tbh, I’ll never get that time back when it’s just me and my little family. It’s so precious. I would really love to see you but I need to recover first.’

ADHMeeee · 11/03/2019 22:39

Bless her. She's well intentioned and I would tell her so, but that you and your partner really need those first few weeks alone and you hope she isn't offended, because it's a very sweet offer but please could you discuss something when littlun and you are home and settled.

It's the sort.of dumb but well intentioned thing I might have suggested to someone, had I not been the first to have smalls.

Bloodybridget · 11/03/2019 22:39

What a bizarre proposal! I might possibly suggest this to a very close friend if, a) she didn't have a partner or anyone else to help and, b) I knew I could and would be super helpful and useful. But it would still just be an offer, I wouldn't barrel in like your friend seems to want to!

AntiHop · 11/03/2019 22:39

Quick tell her now before she books her travel.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 11/03/2019 22:40

You don't need to overthink this! Just say "Ah, that's sweet, but no. We don't want guests with a new baby."

ellendegeneres · 11/03/2019 22:41

Maybe I’m a bit blunt but I’d be going back with
Jesus Christ I thought you were joking! No x, that won’t work for us at all. Dp hasn’t even met you and the last thing any of us need so soon after having baby is to have to give up our living room when we’ll need it most- dp will probably be wanting to get up first thing with dc to give me a rest!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 11/03/2019 22:42

This is not a time for pussy footing around. Go with what Ellen says.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 11/03/2019 22:42

She’s off her nut. I’d text: ha ha - I thought you were joking Grin of course that won’t work. We’d love to see you later in the year though for a weekend.

I’m guessing she’s far away otherwise I’d say “see you for lunch”.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 11/03/2019 22:44

Whatever you say, say it now - you don't want her to say that she came across a cheap ticket and bought it.

pictish · 11/03/2019 22:45

“We won't be able to have you stay so soon after the baby arrives but we'll sort something out for a later date.”

This is good.

Polite and direct.

ellendegeneres · 11/03/2019 22:45

I mean just how self-centred is she to think that descending upon you is ok for TWO WEEKS when you’ll have just given birth!?! To take over your living space and you be waiting on her??
Has she even met your other dc?? It’s crackers.
I’ve got friends who I keep in close contact with and haven’t seen for years but no way would any be thinking they could stay with me and my little family as soon as I give birth.

SuziQ10 · 11/03/2019 22:45

Haha oh you poor thing. A visitor for two weeks really is the last thing anyone needs after having a baby. Nice that your friend wants to spend time with you, but no way is it a good time. When I had my DC even visitors staying two hours was too much.

No idea what I'd say. Maybe something like this ..
'Been thinking about your potential visit and it will be best to hold off for now, until we're all settled in with the baby. There will be lots to get sorted in the first weeks and months. Thanks so much for offering though, it's appreciated. We should try and meet in the middle sometime!'

YouTheCat · 11/03/2019 22:46

What if you end up having a c section or needing to stay in hospital? Does she not realise that babies don't always arrive to schedule?

doIreallyneedto · 11/03/2019 22:46

Definitely say no but I think some of the suggestions up thread sound a bit pretentious, exclusionary and unwelcoming. Saying you want to bond as a family or want to get to know the baby sounds ridiculous and is likely to hurt her feelings.

@BillyCongo 's suggestion is much more sensible. Tell her how difficult it is with a newborn, that you are likely to need the couch, either for dh to sleep on or for you to feed on late at night, that you will be so exhausted the energy required to engage with another human being will finish you off. Suggest you re-address the idea of a visit a few months down the road when, hopefully, the baby will be in some form of routine and you won't be so exhausted.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 11/03/2019 22:47

I’m not sure I’d call this offer well intentioned. It’s so self-centered it’s unbelievable.