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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

372 replies

Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 22:16

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

OP posts:
AwdBovril · 11/03/2019 23:19

Ha. DH being unemployed when DD was born was actually useful as, although we were completely stony broke, it meant we could take turns for everything (except breastfeeding, obviously.) Housework, making food & drinks - all good. Eating, getting to drink a hot cuppa... not completely unexpected. Sleeping... difficult. We basically slept in shifts with the other one downstairs with DD as she was an appalling sleep refuser.

Your friend is living in cloud cuckoo land if she thinks the sofa is guaranteed to be free & quiet for her to sleep on. Completely barmy.

HazardGhost · 11/03/2019 23:19

I'm a bit Shock at this! I haven't had babies and if I was visiting a friend postpartum i'd worry 2 hrs was to much let alone 2 wks.

Tell her no it's just a bit to much to soon.

Femodene · 11/03/2019 23:20

Let her go in a mood, might help the silly fucker engage her brain in future. Don’t pander to the sort of trash who uses sulking to bully people.

Teachdeanta · 11/03/2019 23:21

Just say 'While it would be really great to see you we cannot have staying guests at that time. Our DS will already be put out by a new baby in the house and having a guest would be too much disruption for him. We also need the front room as newborn will be up throughout the night and we will need that room for night feeds. We can organise something at a better time.'

SummersB · 11/03/2019 23:22

I have a friend like that. We have been friends since early teens and she is very dear to me but can be very hard work at times and used to be completely self centred. She is much better now but that is largely down to the fact that I started putting my foot down with her as her behaviour was getting more and more ridiculous! At one stage she was suggesting she could come and live with me, DH and 3DCs in our 3 bedroom house, she genuinely couldn’t see how that would have been a problem! She lives in my country of birth and would come for 2 weeks + at a time to visit and by the end of her stay I used to be ready to throttle her. Now I am very firm and tell her what dates she can book and insist she sends me screenshots of the dates before booking so I can double check as she has been known to book her flights for a 10 day stay in the past even though i had absolutely told her she could stay no longer than a week!

Margot33 · 11/03/2019 23:22

I had a casual work friend ask to visit about a week after I gave birth. I didnt want her to come but said yes. A few days later she told me when she was coming and asked for a lift from the train station to get to mine and back?! I was like...wtf?! with a new born and 4 year old?! It was my fault for not nipping it in the bud! So I said, "its not a good time."

Teaandcrisps · 11/03/2019 23:22

Choice 1 - massive mood from your friend
Choice 2 - really bad time with your family

Plus did I read that also have a toddler? Your toddler will need any spare bits of attention NOT your pal.

It's really odd that she doesn't see that your priorities have really changed and it's like she wants to literally put herself right in the centre of your house, your family and your attention. It's unlikely this friendship will last tbh.

Send the text and stand firm.

PickAChew · 11/03/2019 23:23

If she's not typically the practical, helpful type (doesn't have to be maternal, as a not at all maternal 20 something, I bottomed a friend's dirty kitchen and fixed her oven before preparing lunch for us both, on a flying visit to her and her newborn) then you can find an excuse to to be able to host her.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 23:31

I actually think she'd find two weeks in a small space with two screaming kids stressful, not that she could envisage that at the moment.

She went on a long weekend trip with a close relative last year and said she was ready to pull her hair out by day three because they were bickering. I don't know why she thinks screaming children would be any less annoying.

I could actually see such a visit damaging our friendship as we'd both be irritable and cranky, mostly me. I'd want to ask her to leave after the first night and that would then cause a problem because she'd paid for her tickets etc. The whole thing has disaster written all over it, that's before I even take DP and toddler DS into account.

OP posts:
MightyAtlantic · 11/03/2019 23:34

I went to visit a friend with a newborn for two hours recently, and even then I was worried I'd outstayed my welcome! She is bonkers if she thinks a two week visit is in any way acceptable. I would keep your message brief and direct.

NoSquirrels · 11/03/2019 23:34

Don't overthink it.

If she gets the hump with a woman pregnant with a toddler, she is 100% In The Wrong and you can bask in the certainty of that.

100%. Absolutely.

I do understand the People Pleasing and assertiveness element. But you would be doing a disservice to yourself, your DP, and your DS by allowing this to happen. So please stand firm.

Two questions I was once told which really helped me with this.

Would your DF have a problem with asking for what they need? [Hint, the answer is No.]

Would your DF have a problem with saying no to a request that doesn't suit them? [Hint, the answer is No.]

Act like your DF would...

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/03/2019 23:35

Oh no you poor thing, usually visitors end up wanting baby cuddles and mum ends up waiting on them. I'm sure your friend thinks she will be helpful. Could you suggest she comes to stay for a long weekend in about five months time?

OddCat · 11/03/2019 23:36

Never mind posting on MN ! Send her the text - I don't want to see a future thread from you moaning about your friend staying with you because you didn't text her before she bought a ticket !

Eatmycheese · 11/03/2019 23:42

Is this a wind up?
She’s either a raging lunatic or a masochist!

No
No

And no.
Just say no. Thanks Grange Hill 🤣

Smelborp · 11/03/2019 23:43

Just tell her no, and do it quickly before she books a ticket. It’s a ridiculous suggestion, and if she gets the hump, that’s her issue.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 23:43

I've replied to her message

"Its sweet of you to offer to come and help out when (DD) arrives but I've been talking to (DP) about it just now and he said we just don't have the space to host overnight guests and with the inevitable sleepless nights, DS and baby it would end up too stressful for all of us to be cramped into such a small space. As soon as DD is a bit older and we're settled we will arrange something xx"

Full of anxiety now ffs I do my own head in Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 23:45

It's definitely not a wind up I wish it were.

Unfortunately this sort of situation is typical of my personality type which seems to be "people pleasing mug" Blush

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 11/03/2019 23:46

If you’re scared of upsetting a friend because she might get into a mood when she can’t get her own way, she’s not a friend.

HeronLanyon · 11/03/2019 23:46

‘NO, really sweet idea but it just won’t work so soon or for the next 18 years minimum depending on if I have more

Chocmallows · 11/03/2019 23:48

Good on you for being honest. Now try to relax as you have done the right thing and if she cannot be a polite adult back it's her loss.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2019 23:48

Your friend is insane.

Berthatydfil · 11/03/2019 23:52

Don’t say it’s a lovely idea because she will think you really want her to come and just need some persuasion.
You need to be straight with her
I’ve been thinking about your idea of visiting us and to be honest I can’t see how it’s going to work. Assuming I have the baby on time me or dh will be in and out of the lounge all night with the baby, toddler will probably be really unsettled with the new arrival so it’s best we don’t have you visit then.

OddCat · 11/03/2019 23:58

Well done Op , do you think she'll comeback with a counter offer to stay in a hotel ! Shock

NoSquirrels · 11/03/2019 23:59

It's a great message. Well done, OP.

If she gets the hump she is 100% wrong, remember that.

Lordy, I feel anxious for you even with the very idea of it. Childless and clueless but let's hope not totally hopeless and will take it on the chin.

Seriously, though - don't stress. It's a great message and there's no need to worry. Even if she's upset a little she a) should not take it out on you and b) if she does will be over it quickly if you basically ignore it and remember you're right Grin

RhubarbTea · 11/03/2019 23:59

You need to work on your assertiveness so this sort of thing never happens again. Also, how is she thick skinned and yet managing to be super huffy so easily? What a horrible combo...

I think you've dodged the issue a bit by blaming DP, and you'd lied as well as he doesn't even know about said plan, let alone veto the plan. Still, at least you've told her. She's not the sort to just turn up is she??