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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what's wrong with my son

999 replies

stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 06:45

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

  • he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
  • shut her hand in doors
  • make her spit on stuff
  • 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)
And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off Sad I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?
OP posts:
WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 21/01/2019 06:54

Oh dear OP this sounds exhausting. I am not a childcare expert so what I would do is take him to see my GP and explain all of those things to them, sounds like you need some help there.Flowers

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 06:56

Ok admittedly that doesn't sound like much but it's been going on for well over a year now. Every day is the same shit storm and I'm so tired. My daughter is falling asleep on my lap because she's so tired Sad
Even when we go out in the pram, he has to walk beside my daughter, will scream blue murder if he isn't beside her. Whenever he tells like it he will slap her, her legs her hands whatever he reaches Sad

OP posts:
LaBelleSauvage123 · 21/01/2019 06:57

Has he started school?

FlagFish · 21/01/2019 06:57

Hi OP, do you have a system in place for dealing with his behaviour? I think sometimes we get too focused on WHY a child is behaving in a particular way and it’s better just to ignore the why and deal with the outcome. So, he should know that being mean to his sisters is unacceptable and every time it happens he gets one warning followed by a time out / removal of toy / screen time etc. And whenever he is kind to his sisters he gets a sticker and five stickers means a small toy. Or whatever. Be firm and consistent.

The book How to Listen so Kids Talk and Talk so Kids Listen is worth a read.

Good luck!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/01/2019 07:01

I would worry about that behaviour and go to the GP I think. What does school/nursery say about him?

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:03

Thank you, I have been trying to get a gp appointment for 11 days now Angry but getting nowhere. He is in nursery, I do have a meeting with the school behavioural physiologist person on Thursday.
Flag, I have been recommended that book aswell as a few others but in all honestly I don't think it will help. Believe me I have tried the naughty step, removing toys, not allowing a cartoon he doesn't give a crap.
He usually gets sent to the step as there is no toys there but then I came threw to find he had ripped bits off the pram Sad or started peeling off the paint, he has even begun pulling up the threads of the carpet!

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:05

Nursery don't have any concerns, they say he is a lovely boy. He has 3 friends in nursery and can be a bit obsessive towards them but they've never witnessed anything I've ever described.
I'm in tears, I begged my old hv to come and take him into care Sad I can't cope with this anymore.

OP posts:
30birthdayholiday · 21/01/2019 07:06

I wonder is he jealous of his sibling?

Redcrayonisthebest · 21/01/2019 07:07

Am I right in thinking that he's your eldest and you have two babies close in age? That sounds exhausting, poor you!! Could it be that he's desperate for attention because he perceives that you're busy dealing with the babies all the time?

As pp said, definitely have clear and consistent boundaries but I'd see if you can carve out some regular time together just the two of you (sorry, easier said than done I know!)

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:09

I do think he is possibly jealous but don't understand why it's still going on? And what the f is the point of waking her at 4am!!!
Yes he is my oldest. Admittedly i don't get much time with him, I'd say I spend about 1 hour and a half each day before nursery, and 3 hours on the weekend which I know isn't much Sad but I can't be away too long as I'm bf my baby

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 21/01/2019 07:10

Is dad on the scene? It sounds like he needs lots of positive one on one attention, as your time must (understandably) be very taken up with the two babies. If you have someone who can watch the babies, can you take him out in his own sometimes and love bomb him?

Pachyderm1 · 21/01/2019 07:12

I also would worry too much about finding rational explanations - he’s very young, and lashing out the way he knows. It’s not necessarily logical.

rcat · 21/01/2019 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PregnantSea · 21/01/2019 07:12

So sorry to hear that OP, sounds dreadful.

I'm no expert but it really sounds like he's jealous. Is that a possibility?

flumpybear · 21/01/2019 07:13

Have you been in touch with he health visitors? I think it's a bit hit and miss in areas as to how good the system is - sounds awful I really feel for you. My now 6 nearly 7!year old boy was hard work and reduced me tin tears in occasion with his behaviours but he's growing into a more gentle child now ... on the whole anyway Hmm

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2019 07:14

Yes doctors appt and try to give him some attention where is your partner as he needs some 1 to 1.
It seems at some point he transferred his need for attention to his sister as well as his jealousy

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:16

Yeah he is and I have been love bombing but even that doesn't work.
Took him on a walk to burger, on the walk he was pretending to scratch cars Confused got to burger king he kept playing with the door to the point he managed to trap another child's hand in it Blush I did apologise for this! Kept getting up off his seat, pushing it in then pretending to fall off it. And upon leaving ran full pelt across the road, which he often does as he has no sense of danger. When I told him off, he screamed the whole way home Confused

OP posts:
MigGril · 21/01/2019 07:18

Ask your HV for a home visit they can help you put in place procedures that will help. I understand about him not carring about taking things away, my son is like this, rewards don't always work either. You have to find something he really cares about. Maybe spending time with his friends or doing an activity. They are hard when they don't seem that bothered.

I'm also wondering if it's time with you he's craving. So can that be a reward, maybe if your partner is home. 1-2-1 time with you as a reward or when the little ones are in bed. It does sound like attention seeking behaviour.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:19

Even last week for example, his grandad gave him a new car. By the morning two tires had been pulled off, he said he wanted it away from him Confused he just constantly breaks everything Sad
I know pp said don't look for an explanation but how is it jealousy, for example
He came down at 6am. First thing upon entering living room he picked up my eldest dd toy and smacked it against the tv - his reason was he wanted her to look at him.

She's sat on the floor, eating cereal and he is running past. Because she isn't looking at him, he is smacking her in the back of the head Angry

OP posts:
3WildOnes · 21/01/2019 07:21

I’d get a grow clock. If he wakes anyone up before 7am or whatever then he loses tv for the day. For the hitting and spiteful behaviour I would use the naughty step every single time. The when he’s being good loads of love and attention, try and spend some one on one time with him every day and at the weekends could you spend half a day with just him whilst your husband has the little ones?
How consistent do you think you’ve been with following through with consequences? Try really hard not to get angry and shout.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/01/2019 07:23

Hi OP, is he ever nice to his sister? It does sound like some kind of jealous that's spiralled into an obsession with her. Write a list down of all his behaviours for the meeting so you don't miss anything out.

Are they in the same bedroom?

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:23

Tried the clock he broke it.
He goes to the step every time for hitting, he is there now but he's just complaining. He spends more time there than he does in the living room.
I don't think I can recall a time when he is good Confused
Yeah like I say it's hard to spend more time with him as his behaviour still doesn't change and I am bf

OP posts:
hoki · 21/01/2019 07:24

That sounds well beyond the realms of normal behaviour and I think you need professional intervention. GP is obviously your first port of call. Even if the appointment is in two weeks it's a starting point.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:24

Yeah they are in the same room. She is almost 2, I have to wait until he is in bed asleep before putting her to bed otherwise he will just get up and start throwing toys at her, which often leads her to be falling asleep 9pm on the couch.
It's so horrible 😓

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/01/2019 07:25

Ring the Gp today and ask for an emergency appointment.

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