To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

Definitely still go to the meeting and tell them all about it and how you feel, it will be a start to get some help and signposting

Is your dd breaking stuff and throwing things too?
Could you box up all your valuables and put them in the loft for now.
We have limited room at the moment so we have extra storage boxes and have to be ruthless about what we keep etc. Anything breakable is up high or away while I have toddlers.
Good luck with the meeting today.

OP you need to go to the meeting. I disagree I think your posts show that the likelihood is there is something there but you are in denial. This isnt just a normal phase. His understanding for his age does seem limited and that it was you need to really get from hte nursery today

Also you seem to have no real idea of finances or anything like that - I think you need a good long chat with your partner about everything

And book two GP appointments

You definitely should go to the meeting. I know some posters have the opinion it’s your parenting, however many more have said it could be a combination of things.

Start another thread, keep talking, you have received some good advice

Oh and at the meeting you can ask HV for a referral to SALT. As you said he was previously seen by a SALT and his speech, language, communication is delayed. This is evidence that a referral is needed.

I have no idea of real finances? Errm ok then😂

I said you dont have seem to have a real idea of finances not an idea of real finances because this

I did ask my dp about transferring the mortgage to another house but he said there'd be a couple hundred pounds needed or something

Doesnt seem like you do have an uptodate knowledge. My advice was to sit down with him and look at them and see where savings could be made and money better spent

You have had a lot of advice about how to handle this. Very few have said it is just your parenting - a lot (myself included) have said that from what you say and the SALT you have already received that it may not just be a phase or your parenting and you need to start the journey

Good luck because I suspect you will not

It's so brilliant to see that you've been able to sit down and do a jigsaw with him. It might seem small but it's a big positive for him and you.

Do you think you could find a few minutes everyday to do something like that? A story, play doh, lego, puzzles, biscuit cutters etc?

I hope your appointments go well today

I wasn't listening to him tbh, but yes it will be a good few hundred pound for an early release, and to transfer the mortgage over to a new property is what he pretty much said.
But moving house means moving my son out of that nursery and I don't think that's the best thing for him

sorry you are having a bad day again today. honestly it will never be straight forward progress no matter what you did.

Remember the improved bits and try not to dwell on the bad bits. Any change takes time to bed in.

Your DS really really wants to wake up and interact with your DD. I don't think any of us (including him) will ever fully understand why. But he will eventually stop this behvaiour if physically prevented from it. Last night was bad becuase he didn't sleep much, but good because he didn't enact the problem behaviour of interacting with DD during the night. Maybe tonight will also be shit. But after 3 hours of sleep each night your DS will eventually just sleep...and that is the start of the positive change for him too.

The TV thing is not about whether or not it bothers you, or whether anyone can still see or not. It is a cycle. DD gets in the way, possibly specifically to generate a reaction from DS. DS reacts, inappropriately and the cycle of violence and negative interaction continues.

The cycle needs breaking because it ends in violence, not because people need to see the TV!

A probably useless thought, but can you actually build a play pen for your DD's? Then they could have their toys inside with them, and DS wouldn't be able to take them and throw them? They could also then watch TV from inside and not therefore trigger the TV cycle?

This thread is making me quite sad and angry.

Nearly 1000 comments in , loads of people have suggested ways to help.

All met with “ i tried that once ( for 5 mins) , it doesn’t work “ . “ He, She or they are too young to understand “ .
When exactly do you think they will be old enough to understand?
At what age do you intend to start teaching them how to behave.

Do you think that children who eat nicely, don’t hit, don’t throw/break things etc, etc, were born “good”.

No , they were taught from a very young age what was acceptable to their parents. As others have said children need and like boundaries.

Babies are like sponges, if you talk to them, read to them , play with them, teach them “how to “ they will soak it all up .

Even if your son is diagnosed with something, don’t expect a magic wand to appear. Yes , there will be advice, help, maybe even drugs , but the hard work will still have to come from you .

I dont think there is much wrong with your little boy that some consistent parenting wouldn’t help. Also start now with your daughters, the two year old is already heading the same way . ( doesn’t like to sit at the table, won’t take a telling about standing in front of the TV , she is learning to wind her brother up ,) then he is the one to get the row.

Deciding to be a parent doesn’t stop with the birth, that is just the beginning.
You decided to be a parent, so parent !

skin that isn't what this thread shows at all. The OP has completely altered the sleeping arrangements of the whole family in order to find a way to let her two older children get the sleep they need. She has stuck with this in spite of it making things much worse in the short term.

Yes she has said a lot of 'that won't work because..' some of which is justified and some not...but if it was genuinely easy to change the way you do EVERYTHING then noone would ever end up in this situation. Change takes time and OP is trying very hard.

What concerns me is that posters blaming the difficulties solely on parenting, could influence OP’s decision to ask for support.

@stressedmum0f3 don't know if you saw my post earlier asking if your son is on any medication? My son became unbearable when he was on an asthma drug called montelukast / singulair. My friend's son too started kicking her and biting her. stopping the medicine stopped this behaviour (though for my son this took a long time).
It is just a thing to check - in case this is having an effect on him.

side effects of montelukast / singulair

@skinoncustard 100% agree

Nursery are going to refer us to social services and do the form for a cahms referral

No he isn't on any medication

Well done for going and i hope this is the start of you getting some much needed help

Very well done. That’s a HUGE step forward.

They said doing the form for cahms would be a good idea as he displays a few things at nursery that they've thought were a bit off, for want of a better word.
I cried, alootttttt

but yes it will be a good few hundred pound for an early release, and to transfer the mortgage over to a new property is what he pretty much said

You can't just transfer a mortgage over to a different property.

I'm sure you have a plan for your housing longer term but you may need to think about accommodation that suits your needs sooner if possible, if it makes life easier. 5 of you in a 2 bed place sounds stressful on its own.