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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what's wrong with my son

999 replies

stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 06:45

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

  • he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
  • shut her hand in doors
  • make her spit on stuff
  • 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)
And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off Sad I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?
OP posts:
MissLanesAmericanCousin · 21/01/2019 08:02

I've been bullied at school, but I can't imagine being bullied at home, where you're supposed to feel safe and protected. I feel sorry for your daughter the most. Sad

FannyFifer · 21/01/2019 08:02

Ring the health visitor. They should absolutely be giving you help, you have 3 wee children.

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2019 08:02

With the greatest respect OP they didn’t have 3 children under 5 in a 2 bedroom flat with minimal father involvement (by the sound of it) that is all feeding into resentment and anger.
Also the naughty step isn’t working either
He must just be missing out on school I assume what activities does he do outside of nursery

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 08:04

I haven't seen the gp about this yet as I'm terrified they will just react in the way that most people have on here and just say "you need to parent better" I fucking am. I'm trying my god damn best and this shitty behaviour doesn't ever change, it's been what 17 odd months and it's still happening over and over and over again. Taking him out doesn't change his behaviour, I've taken him on holiday before the youngest dd was born and he acted up the whole time it was frankly embarrassing.

OP posts:
Forumqueen · 21/01/2019 08:04

Was his behaviour bad before you dd can along

CherryPavlova · 21/01/2019 08:04

If he pulls paint off the walls the timer starts again and he repainted the wall. Naughty step/time out very well but has to be consistently applied - even works for children with SEN. It’s hard but will reap rewards if used for about a fortnight and the child understands what they’ve done wrong.
In the meantime pile on the attention with them. Don’t leave them to play with toys. Walk to the park but get a stand on platform for the pushchair with walking as a reward for good behaviour when out.
When indoors have him helping rather than playing. Make biscuits or helping with cooking supper. Give him a cloth to polish alongside you. Curl up on the sofa with a pile of books have a cuddle and let him chwhich storybook to read next. An hour reading in this way is heavenly. Make some play dough and play with him. Collect old boxes for junk modelling. Do things with him rather than expecting him to play nicely. The washing can wait.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2019 08:05

Well then seeing as you've clearly got everything sorted why don't you teach me

People are trying to help.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 08:05

No he is going to school in august which I fear for him as that's going to knock him sick. He is very young mentally I fear, I don't think he is ready for school at all.
He does gymnastics, messy play, swimming lessons and more often than not soft play every weekend

OP posts:
PerryPerryThePlatypus · 21/01/2019 08:06

First of all you need to protect your dd from him before he seriously injures or worse.

It does sound like there could possibly be an underlying diagnosis but that does not make his behaviour ok. Your girls cannot grow up in a home where they are abused on a daily basis.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2019 08:07

I'm terrified they will just react in the way that most people have on here and just say "you need to parent better"

They aren't saying parent "better" they are suggesting different ways.

StoppinBy · 21/01/2019 08:07

special thing, not special think.

pallasathena · 21/01/2019 08:08

Ditch the naughty step and place a thinking chair in a quiet place for him to think hard about what he's done. You need to get him to articulate his feelings. Buy the book 'Big Bag of Worries', it will help him to identify and articulate his feelings.
He isn't managing his feelings is he? He needs help, guidance and strong parenting from you to succeed.
Check out you tube Supernanny videos too. Some brilliant advice, guidance and real life horror stories which will help you to develop strategies for coping.

CherryPavlova · 21/01/2019 08:09

I understand it’s very hard but I’ve just read the two year old is eating cereal on the floor because she doesn’t like the table. No wonder he kicked it over, too tempting by half. Why is a two year old ruling the roost? You decide that she sits at the table to eat. The incident could have been avoided and he could have missed another telling off if she had been eating properly at the table.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 08:11

He didn't kick the bowl he picked it up and threw it.
Because she doesn't like going to the table she likes sitting beside her sister

OP posts:
Wonkypalmtree · 21/01/2019 08:12

It sounds really tough and GP is a good idea. His hurting his sibling can’t go on. It sounds like you are at the end of your tether. The description of your Burger King visit comes across as you are not in control of him. Why was he left to play with the door rather than inside with you ordering food? The chair thing sounds just like a bit of playing up, running across the road, at four if he can’t be trusted to not run across the road he needs a hand hold or reins.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 08:12

I tried the chair he ripped the fabric off it

OP posts:
Thirtyrock39 · 21/01/2019 08:12

Op you don't need an emergency gp appointment - there's nothing the gp will do as a matter of urgency but do go and register your concerns
Your health visitor is the best option and ask if there are any Solihull courses locally as these are very useful for understanding why children behave the way they do
As hard as it sounds the best thing you can do for now is as much as possible ignore the bad behaviour as it sounds like he's attention seeking and any attention is good for him - hence the more extreme behaviour - praise every possible thing you can with him, have 1:1 time with him everyday, do a reward chart or pasta jar where the reward is more 1:1 time- staying up late, trip out etc rather than a toy he can break , plan ahead for activities to distract him- eg a walk to the shop is a bug hunt not just a walk , give him a scanner in the shops etc etc
Have a bit of a routine to the day
Make sure all adults are consistent with him
Good luck

oatmilk4breakfast · 21/01/2019 08:12

I’m sorry - you sound exhausted.
Do you have any other adult who can help at home? The other night I tried to take my 4 year old out for a treat - a disaster - he was out of routine and overstimulated. In honesty I think you’re asking too much of him. It must be so hard when his behaviour is actually harming your other children. Because what’s happening is an emotional distance - you feel like you can’t cope, you feel like nothing will work. But with the right help I’m sure you can, and that something will☀️

Don’t give up on your boy. He needs you and is crying out for your attention in the only ways he can think of. When children can’t get positive attention but they’ve learned they get your attention when they do something naughty or bad - they’ll take that. It feels horrible for them too but that’s how desperate they are for our attention.

Could you give yourself a bit of space just to play Lego with him and talk to him? Jealousy is too sophisticated a description for what he is probably feeling which is closer to a sort of primal / animal displacement. He needs you. He doesn’t act up at nursery because he’s getting what he needs there - he doesn’t expect more - but with you it’s you he wants. Children are not little adults - there’s only so much emotion they can cope with.

I’m not saying you don’t need to sternly tell him that it’s not ok for him to hurt or hit his sisters - you need to do that - but could you show him that he’ll get more positive attention from you for helping his sisters? Can you actively involve him in their care? Let’s be gentle...kind hands...well done! You’re such a great big brother! etc...

you said this all started when your 2nd baby started crawling. That doesn’t surprise me. Now you’re running round after her more and she’s more active competition but she’s still too young to engage with him. He keeps trying though. His internal clock is not the same as yours so the early starts are not him being vindictive! Though I’m sure it feels like it!! His sleep might be disturbed because he’s worried? Remember that anxiety might come out as anger.

I’m sure this all feels so much worse because you are exhausted from breastfeeding and 3 under 5 - it does sound so tough. There will be lots of support for you from others on here but I really hope you can get some in real life. Good luck.

Owwlie · 21/01/2019 08:13

This must be difficult to deal with OP. It sounds like jealousy and attention seeking though. It's normal for children to become jealous and act out when younger siblings are born. And you've had 2 children in less than 2 years, that's probably been quite unsettling for him.

He didn't damage them only pretending to which to me is just weird

It's not really weird, he's learnt that if he says he's broke something you pay him attention.

First, I think you need to put your 2 year old in a separate bedroom to him. It's not fair on her most of all, he's bullying her and she needs to feel safe, she won't if they're unsupervised in a room together. Hopefully taking his sister out of the room will stop the early waking, and help you all get some better sleep.

As for the behaviour, keep pushing for help from health visitors. I know you just be exhausted but keep dealing with all of his behaviour, even at 6am, otherwise it will just get worse. Could you ask nursery what works well to manage his behaviour there? I think he needs to know there are consequences, so when he misbehaved all the way to Burger King, you don't go. You turn around and go home. Even if he screams and shouts, just pick him up and go home. And try overly praising any time he does something nice (or even slightly nice) to his sisters. Maybe try and get them to spend some time playing a game together, your eldest, him and you. And praise him for playing nicely with her, but if he doesn't then it stops immediately. I don't think there's a quick fix to this unfortunately.

flapjackfairy · 21/01/2019 08:14

Have you ever watched supernanny episodes. She deals with families with similar issues and some good advice there.
You need to be the adult here . He is in charge at the moment and even if it does turn out to be autism etc ( I have an adult son with aspergers ) you still need to take control. My son had some awful tantrums and behaviours when he was overwhelmed as a small child, I am talking about screaming for 4 hrs solid several times a day, throwing everything , destroying stuff, no sense of danger though no real violence. So I do understand and don't say glibly that you have to be tougher than he is and persist . Set boundaries and stick to them no matter what, don't reward bad behaviour with attention . Consider he may be overwhelmed and need a calm ordered environment with lots of running around to burn energy. And v v strong routines. I think this is crucial tbh. Same bedtime same getting up time etc etc . Strong routines, boundaries and expectations . And yes remove him from the other children for everyone's sake . No shared rooms etc .
It is hard but you can do this . And yes ask for support from anyone you can.
My son did settle down given a bit of time and is now a lovely man so hang in there. . Good luck x

VoteForPedrosLlama · 21/01/2019 08:15

Film his behaviour and try keep a log to show gp what he is doing and the frequency. I wouldn't let him sleep alone with dd, as he is putting her at risk.

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2019 08:15

its not about parenting better it about having strageties in place to deal with the behaviour and a plan of action

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 08:16

I've tried reward charts, instead of pasta it was marbles but he didn't care.
Even just now dd won't play hide and seek with him so he picked the tv remote up and threw it at herConfused
Yes at burger king he was just running about, he barely ever sits down so didn't expect much

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/01/2019 08:16

Sounds really difficult and you must be shattered
People are trying to help here, please don’t think you are being judged
One thing I notice though - your middle child “doesn’t like sitting at the table” . That’s not for her to decide, it’s up to you
I can appreciate that if one child is being difficult you want to take the easy option with the others but that will just set you up for problems with all 3
Speak to the GP urgently, contact your HV and involve your husband. All you say about him is that he works a lot but surely he’s at home some of the time?

Dvg · 21/01/2019 08:17

This doesn't sound good at all :( to be honest I totally understand you wanting to put him into care, I get that people are giving parenting advice but honestly it's not always that easy, especially when your shattered and mentally struggling with no support.

I would honestly ring for an emergency doctors appointment as they CANNOT refuse and I would tell them that it has turned really dangerous and you are worried he will kill her or at least seriously hurt her... for example pushing on her tummy could kill her, pushing down the stairs etc if they try to tell you too parent him then just be strict with them.

You need support