To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

To me it is weird, he is walking down the road pretending to scratch cars

Obviously being gentle in terms of punishmnent hasn't worked you need to get tougher with him.

Remove any toys and books from his room so all he has is a bed so he can't clash the toys and stuff to wake his siblings up.

Everytime he purposefully hurts a sibling take away his favourite things and stop him doing the things he likes.

Could you and the girls sleep in one bedroom and DS sleep in the other with DH? Not ideal I know, but you absolutely can't leave ds with dd overnight!

You've not said much about DH. What does he think about DS's behaviour? Do you have a consistent approach to it?

He sounds a lot like my neighbours son growing up, he pulled allsorts of stunts. I remember one time they took up a floor his bedroom floor to decorate, underneath the floorboards there were dozens of Christmas presents of his siblings that he'd hidden.

He was violent, abusive and labelled as bad..........looking back it's obvious he had something else going on. In fact 2 of his dc Have Autism.

No idea if he got any help or if he learned to adapt, I do know he tried slapping his wife only once, wife also had 4 brothers who let him know exactly what they thought of that !! And surprisingly, he's gone on to live a decent, successful life. He's a good, hands on dad (( know them through a few, sn groups ))

Sorry, I'm rambling (( lack of sleep thanks to the blood moon )) what I'm.trying to say is none of what you describe sounds normal, get help for him now whilst changes can be made. He sounds like a very, confused, little boy.

I really feel for you OP and I don't have any advice except that you must must must change the sleeping arrangements. It doesn't matter how. Your DS should not be alone at any point with either of your younger children, not when you've witnessed him harming one of them and suspect he pushed her down the stairs. Please change that today!

You sound like you need a break. Would it be possible for your mum and MIL to take a child each for a day or two and leave you with just the youngest? Just to give you some breathing space.

Keep pushing for a doctors appointment. Say it's absolutely urgent that you see someone.

Good luck

Damaging your property with things like paint peeling and thread pulling in the carpet are signs of anger, punishing him for it will make it worse and not better unless the underlying emotions are dealt with.

My own DD has scribbled all over her walls, her sheets etc, cut a hole in my pants, torn up things and broken stuff. I know for a fact that punishing her made it worse, avoidance of the issues are important, things such as taking him with you to 'help' when you need to leave the room, distracting him while on a walk with I Spy, etc. Doing these things are exhausting and you are clearly already exhausted and at breaking point, I am so sorry that you are in this position.

Can your hubby be around a bit more to help you out especially while you start to work to correct the behaviour? I think you sound like you need a helping hand and someone that you can lean on a bit more to help you get through this xx.

The definition of discipline is to teach, not I punish. I think if you can find someone who can help you in person it will do you the world of good.

Film his behaviour and try keep a log to show gp what he is doing and the frequency.

Excellent suggestion.

I just wanted to add, OP, that none of this is your fault and you haven't caused any if this by bad parenting. You sound like a really attentive mum who is understandably tired (if a little crazy for having 3 so close together ). Anyway, good luck and I hope the right professionals can help with your son's behaviour, does not sound within the typical range of behaviours. Good luck, hopefully you will be a happy little family soon.

Does your son get to spend any quality alone time with his dad?

He sounds incredibly unhappy and jealous, like he hasn't coped with the new baby and then a second baby arrived. That's not an excuse for his behaviour and it sounds impossible to cope with. I hope you can find some support for yourself and your son.

I agree speak to HV and if I were her I would be recommending parenting courses and Solihull approach. I don't think you're a bad parent at all, you just sound overwhelmed with 3 very young kids and their father by the sounds of it doesn't do much parenting at all. Your son is at an age when a lot of children are pretty horrible anyway but throw in being bored and resentful of younger siblings and wanting attention and you end up with the situation you described. If you're locking him out of the kitchen while you're making dinner how do you think that makes him feel? You're in there with the girls and he's literally shut out. You'd probably act out yourself in that situation. I'm not judging you, I can see you're doing it to keep your girls safe. But they'll be safer in the long run if you can get to the bottom of his behaviour and try to manage it. Unfortunately parenting is a 24 hour job and you don't get to opt out of it because it's 6am and you're tired. But again it's understandable that you do. Isn't your husband around to help even before he goes to work?

I've previously removed everything from his room, I even took the bed frame he didn't care. He just laughed about how he has nothing
You could do the most horrible punishment ever and he will just find it funny or not care.
No punishment works, it's like he's lost the will to care
I don't punish him for wrecking the carpet I will just say it's naughty and you shouldn't be doing that.
Dh works constantly unfortunately but he is just as fed up

You have a DH problem not a DS problem.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It really does sound exhausting.

You do seem as though you're really struggling to see any good in him at the moment. You describe him as "a little shit", "weird", you say you want him "put into care". I'm not trying to make you feel guilty but I wonder whether he has picked up on this and is feeling a bit unwanted? How was your bond with him before the two younger children came along?

I would definitely contact your HV. They would be able to signpost to relevent organisations who can support you. But you need to be honest with them about the extent of the violence towards his sisters, including your suspicion about pushing one of them down the stairs. People telling you to get an emergency GP appointment, I'm not sure what they're expecting the GP to do as a matter of urgency. The only thing the GP can really do is refer your DS to CAMHS. There is likely to be a long wait for an assessment. The school/nursery can also do this by the way, you don't have to wait for your GP.

OP punishments are not the solution here at all. You need advice as to how to put into play some consistent parenting strategies from a professional who can evaluate your son face to face.

This also involves your DH who needs to stop working constantly as well
You need to stop seeing and treating it negatively. Your little boy is trying to tell you something please listen

I've sat with him and read books, in fact he got one from Santa from his nursery, he literally ripped it right in front of me.
When I asked why, he said he didn't want me to read.
I spent a lot of money on a toy kitchen, went to role play with him last week, he said I didn't do it properly so he ripped the doors off and now it's broken
I am trying, maybe not hard enough but I'm exhausted beyond belief.
But if I don't take them to the kitchen, he will throw stuff at them or hit them. There's no right way is there?

Oh yes let's blame my partner
He can't just stop working, we've a mortgage to pay and bills!

Op you have two babies? So presumably he has been through an enormous amount of upheaval in the last couple of years.

I think you need to begin again and try to reduce all the time out and naugjry step stuff as that is just confirming to him that he is excluded from your attention

If you can't get in to the gp then phone health visitor and ask them for help tell them what you are dealing with.
Your DD needs to be in with you your partner and her sister. It isn't safe for her to be anywhere you are not. At anytime

Yes you are tired and worn out but you still have to manage his behaviour that is what being mum is about suck it up and be arsed to do it.
He wants to walk next to his sister? Well he can't because he has hurt her/ woke her early that morning. He screams and throws himself on the floor then you wait until his tantrum is finished, when he stands up you ask finished? right then come on and off you go.

How are you using the time out step? We always tell them through their shouting calmly why they are there. Then leave them for the right amount of time (No longer!) go and get them and explain again what they did wrong and why then they get a big cuddle and told that they aren't naughty it was just the wrong choice to make and that we love them and they are good.
Yes it's a faff but it does work they do need the positive reinforcement after the time to think. It isn't a punishment as such but time away from the situation to avoid escalation and a chance to think about what they did.

Yes every family has a mortgage and bills to pay but that doesn't mean the working parent gets to opt out of parenting. Does he literally never get a day off?

But he can't be working "constantly" op can he? 7 days a week leaving the house before your ds wakes and coming home once he's in bed? There must be some time in the day when he could spend quality time with ds and give you a break?

If he works long days and every weekend he will be exhausted I know. But so are you!

OP you are exhausted and I don’t blame you.

My background is I am a qualified SENCO and work with extremely challenging children. First thing I would say is you need a referral for support. I’m guessing you’re in Scotland as you mentioned school in August, and I don’t know quite how things work up there, but here we would be looking to refer you to Early Help and have a family support worker come to your house to help you put a bespoke behaviour plan in place. I assume there must be a similar system so please phone your HV today and ask them to do a home visit or make an appointment.

Secondly, I know you think you’ve tried everything but it seems like you’re not being systematic enough. You have naughty step, confiscating toys, just telling him off for really quite serious things (wrecking the carpet).... he doesn’t know what will happen, and that element of unpredictability means he will keep pushing boundaries as he doesn’t know where the boundaries are. You have to have simple, immediate consequences that he knows about and that you follow through with, every single time. It’s boring and tiring but it’s the only way. I second the recommendation to watch Supernanny, and look at how consistent she is. That’s the key.

Little things like your baby and dd not being at the table for meals are important. Things like that create a routine, and routines are predictable. If the rule is “we all sit at the table when we’re eating”, and no one gets food unless they are sitting nicely (and they are ignored if they are not), then everyone knows where they stand. That’s one small step you can put in place today.

You can't punish him out of bad behaviour if it's caused by jealousy, anxiety and resentment, you'll have to find another way. He needs your love and reassurance and time more than ever. And YABU to think he wont need these because you are exhausted and have 2 other children to look after.
If there is any way at all that your dh can work a bit less and spend some time supporting you all you might find it really helps. Is there any special dad and son thing that they like to do together? If not, maybe find one.

I can't believe someone is suggesting getting tougher. This is a 4 year old not a teenager.

Awe you sound exhausted. Please ignore pp telling you to parent better, you wouldn’t be writing on here if you were trying to be a good parent!!

Have you tried involving him with your daughter, ie getting him to help get her clothes ready, nappies, helping cook dinner? Maybe he just wants her to notice him, but as soon as he’s done something to her, either he is put away or you take her away? Give up on the naughty step, it’s clearly not working. Keep him in the room, sit him on the sofa and say he can’t move, while you play with your other dds. He may well respond better to that and want to join in?

Really hope something works for you luv, it doesn’t sound fun at all