To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

Took him on a walk to burger, on the walk he was pretending to scratch cars

You asked where you are going wrong, there is your answer right there, you should have turned around and gone home.

I don’t mean to upset you OP as it can be exhausting but be kinder to yourself and don’t let your son do these things, your original post sounded awful and I felt sorry for you but as the thread has gone on there are things you can be doing to help yourself and your other children. If he behaves at nursery there is nothing wrong with him.

Op you need an emergency gp appointment.
Things cannot continue like this, everybody sounds exhausted.
You cannot leave him alone with either chilld whilst you wait as hard as that is. Can you co sleep with him?
I would say set clear boundaries of what is not nice behavior, but try and praise every tiny thing he does right, even if it's. Half made. Up.
"Wow, you got up today with no fuss, what a great boy you are, look at you eating your brekkie like a trooper, your going to get so big!"
It's tedious and hard when two minutes ago you felt like killing him, but if you don't he will be stuck in a trap of getting negative attention and you will forget he can be good.
It sounds rough op.

Dad is here but works a lot,
I only have 2 bedrooms but I'm close to giving mine up and taking out all valuables and putting dd in there with her dad and then me and the baby can sleep downstairs.
It's all well saying insist that he doesn't walk next to her but then he will just scream, throw himself to the pavement not move, headbutt things (ok only once but still scared the life out of me!) I've taken to not going out with the girls until he is in nursery

@WTF
That is not true, some children can be excellent at masking.
They can be explosive at home but a delight in school. I know from experience.

I feel sorry for all your dc. You are clearly not coping. You need to get some help. Speak to your hv/ gp/ family and definately get your husband to take some time off.
It sounds like you don't like him very much at all. His behavior is completely unacceptable to your other children. But it is entirely your and husbands responsibility.
You need to protect your 2yo dd. Move her or him out of the shared room now it is not working at all.

He needs some boundaries and some strict attention.
His behavior sounds like jealous attention seeking and I can't believe you've let it get so far. I would go mad if my ds1 hurt my Ds2. He did go through a phase of smacking his baby brother on the head.
Naughty step just doesn't work. You need to show him acceptable behavior. So show him how to play with his sister. Show him gentle hands. Get some toys out they both like and supervise, supervise, supervise. You cannot leave them alone together at all. Get a sling for baby.
I understand you are exhausted but you have chosen to have these children so you and dh need to step up and parent.
Sorry to be harsh but it will get better if you put in some hard work now.
I suggest both of you and dh go on a parenting course asap. Or get some professional help.

This sound like jealousy and attention seeking behaviour to me. Does he ever get time with you in a positive way or is it more that you only respond to him when he is misbehaving (no judgement, when they are misbehaving ALL the time it is hard).

I think the first step for you I think is to contact a parenting helpline, they are anonymous and can offer a wealth of support and advice.

Book an appointment with your GP and get him seen or speak with your HV and they can refer to the paediatricians for further assessment.

Either way you need help.

I wouldn't wait if his hurting your younger children, you need support ASAP.

Why is he not in school?

well then he'd never get treated

You find small things to reward him for. Will he fetch you baby wipes or something? If so, reward him for it. Anything small that he does right, praise him.

I am sympathetic. DS2 was a bloody nightmare. I also suspected he had some kind of ASD but nothing reallyfitter (apart from Opposotional Defiance Disorder... he ticked pretty much every box for that!). However ,he grew out of it. He's still somewhat stubborn/ defiant at 18 but in all honesty his teenage years were absolutely fine compared to many!

Do you have the funds to go private? I think you need an urgent assessment with an educational psychologist, I must admit it sounds like ADHD to me too, but none of us on here can diagnose, you need professional help. Around here it's around £700 for a report, but they will be able to help. I would also make an appointment with school, explain what's going on at home and again, ask for help. They can get an educational psych in but it may take longer.

Often children mask at school and then act up at home when they let it all out in spades.

I know it's not popular on here but you can also ring social services and ask for help. Contrary to popular opinion they are not baby snatchers, but will be able to signpost you to appropriate help and support. I don't know whether you have home start in your area, but you sound an ideal candidate.

Don't be afraid to ask for help, it isn't normal behaviour and you sound at the end of your tether.x

It’s called sibling rivalry and with that age gap is not a medical,condition but perfectly normal reaction. It’s gone on a while because it’s not been properly addressed up until now but again, that’s not uncommon.
He needs to feel unconditional love whilst not being allowed to,behave in that way. Known sanctions with clear explanations of why he is in the wrong.
Certainly don’t continue to reward with a burger after he’s been very naughty and damaged cars.
It’s difficult to break the cycle but that’s what you need to do. A naughty step works very well as this age coupled with stickers for a specific positive behaviour that ends in reward. If he takes his siblings toy he sits on the bottom step,for five minutes, says sorry then it’s over. If he helps by putting toys back in the toy box before supper, he gets a sticker. etc.

He sounds like he wants attention and behaving badly is getting him a lot of attention. He also sounds quite jealous and insecure and the more you get into this negative spiral the worse thst this will get too. Im sure he can sense that you dont like him very much right now.

In your place Id try and fix one thing at a time. What is he allowed to do if he wakes up at 4am and isn't tired? Is he allowed to come find you or his dad? Would you go downstairs w him? No 4 year old will lie quietly in bed til 6am and he cant play in his room so it might be worth thinking what he could do.

How exhausting for you op! He really needs to learn how bad this behaviour is. If that means he never gets treated then so be it.

The fact he is ok at nursery but acts like this at home means he knows that he can get away with doing these things at home.

They do have toys out that they can both play with, I've spent a fortune on those soft abc letter mat things, so in case he pushed her when she was younger she wouldn't hurt herself that bad, they've got stacking blocks, balls that make a noise, foam puzzles. But eventually it just turns sour. He has picked up the mat before and started biting it or try and put it over dd head. These days he just snatches the toys and throws them to a height she cannot reach.
Well then seeing as you've clearly got everything sorted why don't you teach me you don't think I've tried everything? You don't think I've called various people for help. Nobody helps us. It's been like this for ages now it's never going to get better

Explain you will not accept this behaviour and that he is too old to behave like a baby, and you expect him to take care of the younger ones. Give him 'grown up' tasks to do which make him the responsible one who has to look after the other 2. Make sure he has constant tasks to keep him busy and give him lots of praise, and praise him being grown up and looking after his siblings. This is all acting out behaviour caused by not knowing his place in your family and getting attention by only being naughty.

It's all well saying insist that he doesn't walk next to her but then he will just scream, throw himself to the pavement not move, headbutt things (ok only once but still scared the life out of me!) I've taken to not going out with the girls until he is in nursery

I know it must be really difficult and you sound really stressed. However, not letting him constantly hurt your other children, is the bare minimum you have to do. If he screams, shouts etc ignore him. Stand and wait until he has finished.

I second soup dragon - treat him for little things, purposely set him up to do the right thing then make a big fuss.

I just read your updates, please do not allow your son unsupervised access to you daughter at this point in time. Pushing on her stomach til she coughs has the real potential to turn deadly.

Do you co sleep at all? I only ask as when my DD's behaviour starts to go astray I bring her to our bed as a special think just for her, her behaviour starts to pick up almost right away when I let her share that our bed (up the other end, tip n tail, though as she is a nightmare to sleep with).

Working a lot means what. He needs to help
The sleeping situation isn’t ideal either
There is one of two things either a medical condition or environmental
Go to the GP to start the ball rolling on the first it should also give pointers for helping with behaviour
Sort out the environmental- when is his Dad around what can he do. Weekends presumably he is about
At the moment all the attention is negative and it’s spiraliny

Go into the gp surgery and make an appointment - you can prebook (usually a couple of weeks ahead but if you explain they may squeeze you in that day). Alternatively go to the walk in centre/out of ours gp service saying it's an emergency. Keep a behaviour diary (really important).

A couple of ideas though as definitely sounds like jealousy is an issue- keep small toys and games you can play with him whilst breastfeeding - we used to play cards, boardgames etc he feels pushed away and ignored (remember he was the centre of your world). He definitely needs expert help as he should have adjusted by now, was his speech delayed, or is he showing any other unusual behaviour - dd is autistic and is obsessive but there's other issues too so I don't want to jump to conclusions.

No at 4am he went back to sleep after waking dd up
He didn't damage them only pretending to which to me is just weird :/
Naughty step does not work, He has pulled paint off the walls and pulled the threads up from the carpet.
Like I said it's very hard at 6am when the first thing he does is pick up a toy and hit the tv with it

He is certainly jealous of his siblings. And he is also running rings round you. You need to take back control. For example, at the outing to Burgerking, when he began running round you should bring him back to the table and make him sit down. Don't worry that he has a tantrum, he needs to know that you're in charge. If he continually tried to get up you take him home. Don't wait till you've all finished eating. Don't let him run off ahead, put him on a hand strap or carry him.
Meals at home, make sure you're all seated at the table, not eating cereal off the floor probably whilst watching tv. Having three under five yr olds is exhausting but unless you regain control now, he's only going to get worse. Ask your HV for support. He doesn't need the GP, he needs behaviour management.

You must not let him be unsupervised with your 2 year old. He has admitted pushing on her stomach, what if he pushes on her throat.
You must protect your other children.
This sounds absolutely awful, is your health visitor any support?

No my dd was eating her cereal on the floor, tv isn't on. She doesn't like to sit down at the table.
He is just back from the toilet, he has picked her bowl up and thrown it.
He has been on the step 4 times since 6am.
You're right I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing because I didn't think behaviour like this was a thing. My mum and my MIL have never experienced this

My older brother was like this, although less violent. He was just furious that I came along, ignored me until I could move about, then began a campaign to undermine me and retain my parents love and attention. Breaking toys, encouraging me to do bad things then ratting on me, persuading me to be pushed down the stairs tied in a sleeping bag, you name it. He just wanted to be cleverer, more beloved etc.

Anyway, I was oblivious to it all, and he gave up at some point. He was never diagnosed with anything and we have got on excellently since I was about 3.

I would definitely speak to professionals about the extreme way your son expresses his anger, but I don't think the resentment itself is that unusual.

No I haven't seen hv since september

ignored me until I could move about, then began a campaign to undermine me and retain my parents love and attention. Breaking toys, encouraging me to do bad things then ratting on me
This is exactly what it's like!!! But it's almost every hour of every day of the same shit.
I also believed he has pushed her down the stairs but he says he didn't and I don't know the truth