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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what's wrong with my son

999 replies

stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 06:45

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

  • he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
  • shut her hand in doors
  • make her spit on stuff
  • 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)
And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off Sad I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?
OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/01/2019 07:26

Honestly, I wouldn't be putting her in with him from what you've said. How old is DD?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/01/2019 07:27

Sorry just saw she's nearly 2. Horrible situation. Where's their dad in all of this?

BigusBumus · 21/01/2019 07:27

He sounds a lot like my eldest son was, who was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD. He's 16 now and great. Medication made a huge difference to all our lives.

I'm not trying to 'diagnose' your son but it might be something To read up on and talk to your GP about.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:29

Bignus. I did suspect some form of austim and I pushed so hard to get him seen by somebody but because he is behaved in nursery they don't want to see him basically.
Dad's about but works a lot

OP posts:
Runningbutnotscared · 21/01/2019 07:29

Like PP I’m no expert, but we have children about the same age, he sounds board.
Is he breaking things because he is left alone with them? Did he run past his sister and smack the tv because he wasn’t given direction of something better to do?
My son is like a puppy, if you don’t give him simple positive things to do, he will find something to do that you don’t want him to do.

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2019 07:29

OP where is your partner in all of this
And are they in the same bedroom

StylishMummy · 21/01/2019 07:30

@stressedmum0f3 I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to protect your younger children from him, either with a separate play area or you need to be with him every second. Saying he's trapped their hands in doors multiple times is absolutely awful and very worrying behaviour. Deliberately causing harm to animals or young children can be a sign of serious psychological issues. Has he ever witnessed domestic violence? GP is an absolute must and maybe reach out to social services, they may be able to provide advice/courses/respite

SarahMused · 21/01/2019 07:30

Sounds like he wants attention and can get it by being naughty. Do you leave him alone when he is being good and concentrate on the other two? Understandable, but to him any attention is better than none and if he can get you to react by hurting his sister that will be better than being ignored. Everytime you see him doing something kind, helpful or just everyday good behaviour like walking by the pram nicely or playing with his toys praise him and give him your attention. Try to anticipate when things might go wrong and avoid if possible or intervene before something happens as much as you can. The fact that he is fine at nursery may mean that he can learn to behave at home too.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2019 07:31

I would say it is jealousy/attention seeking. It's a long time since I've had small children but I remember reading that they want attention and whilst "good" attention is best they will settle for "bad" attention.

The naughty step doesn't work for every child. It worked for DS1 but not DS2. What worked for him (up to a point!) was a jar of pasta where a piece was added for good stuff and a piece taken out for bad. At the end of the week they were counted and traded for rewards.

Why did you go to Burger King after he had misbehaved all the way there and shut a child's hand in the door?

Criket · 21/01/2019 07:31

Flowers for you OP. My 4.5 yr old DS is exactly the same. I have no advice as he won't respond to rewards either. Stopping him watching tv is actually worse for me as that's the only calm time I get to cook dinner or whatever without him causing havoc. I have a 2 yo as well who is going the same way. Every day is a nightmare. You are not alone.

jeanne16 · 21/01/2019 07:31

I know this may be difficult but you need to spend some quality one on one time with your DS. It sounds as though he is trying to get your attention. Perhaps if he gets some positive attention, he may not need to try to get your attention in this way. Not saying it is easy though.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:33

But pp it's 6 in the morning, I don't have the energy to direct him to things Confused to be that's just purposely been a little shit. I've been awake with my dd since 4am, bf my littlest aswell, I'm naggy and tired I can't be assed trying to deal with this which is probably where I'm going wrong Sad
No he has never witnessed DV, he even admitted the other day he will push on my dds belly until she's at the point of coughing just to wake her up Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:36

He has an 1 hour and a half every day with me as he does two classes before nursery, one of these classes I join in with, the other I watch but he has me on the walk and the walk back home.
And he gets soft play on the weekends or a museum visit. So again I do spend time with him, but even alone his behaviour is very weird.
Because it wasn't until I'd gone up to order that he was doing that, obviously doesn't excuse it but I don't really think I know what I'm doing Sad
I don't leave the alone, dinner is cooked with me locking me and the girls in the kitchen Sad

OP posts:
jeanne16 · 21/01/2019 07:37

Where is the DCs father in all this? He needs to help.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2019 07:37

Because it wasn't until I'd gone up to order that he was doing that

But he'd been naughty all the way there.

Claw001 · 21/01/2019 07:38

Your dd cannot be in the same bedroom as him.

If you suspect he has Autism, you need GP to refer to a Paediatrician. You can insist on this.

Chocolatecake12 · 21/01/2019 07:38

I echo what pp have said. He had your attention for 2 years then you had a new baby and he suddenly had to share.
He’s learnt that any attention from you is better than no attention and has got into the habit of being naughty to gain this.
So waking his stater up at 4am - you would get up to her and comfort her, And he’s getting attention to, albeit the wrong sort.
He’s too young to differentiate between the types because he sounds stuck in a two year old jealously stage. Maybe he couldn’t work through that because then another sibling arrived and for him it started over again.
It sounds very tough and I’m sure you dread the long days with 3 children.
Keep telling him you love him, but you do not like his behaviour.

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:38

If I turn my back to head Into the kitchen, guarantee he will get my dd to come up on the couch beside him and then he will push her off, sit on her hand, hit her. I know because I've witnessed this myself.
If I make him sit at the table the same thing will happen expect she might get her hands caught between the chairs.
GP it is then

OP posts:
SpeedyBojangles · 21/01/2019 07:38

Firstly they need to be separated at night. Can your daughters share a room and he have his own room?

juneau · 21/01/2019 07:39

That sounds horrendous OP and while yes, it does sound like jealousy/attention seeking, it's more than that isn't it? Because he's being cruel and spiteful, he has no sense of danger, and he doesn't care about stuff - all of those are red flags to me and I strongly suspect that you will get some kind of diagnosis down the line. However, given his age I'm not surprised that you're coming up against a brick wall. Everyone I know (myself included), struggled to get any help or intervention at this age with any kind of behaviour. The NHS no longer has the funding or the resources to deal with anything other than the most serious of cases and if your DC is well behaved at school/nursery, but horrible at home, then no one else believes there is a problem. What you need to push for is an appointment with an educational psychologist, but do please demand and appointment with the GP too as I was told this year that the NHS can intervene on behavioural stuff, but only until a DC is 5. Whether that's just where I live or nationwide I don't know.

Suziepoozie · 21/01/2019 07:40

Oh OP you sound exhausted and like you are absolutely trying your best. I feel for you, it must be so upsetting. I don’t have a magic suggestion but just want to say you’re doing everything right and hopefully things will get better for you Flowers

Claw001 · 21/01/2019 07:42

You need to keep them apart or not left unsupervised, if he is hurting your other children.

You say he insists on walking next to your dd, then slaps her or hurts her etc. You need to insist he doesn’t walk next to her!

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2019 07:42

Is his father still around you may find it a personal question but actually depending on the answer could explain quite a bit
Sleeping arrangements and rooms as well
Environmental factors in this are key
What was he like before his sisters were born has his second sister made things worse

Original poster
stressedmum0f3 · 21/01/2019 07:42

See soupdragon, so much conflicting advice "don't treat him if he misbehaves" well then he'd never get treated Confused

OP posts:
StillIRise87 · 21/01/2019 07:42

By all accounts this was my husband as a child . His mum took him for anger management therapy which for several years. It worked and he is a lovely man. Can you afford private therapy for him as the nhs waiting list is very long .