To ask what's wrong with my son

[stressedmum0f3]

He is 4.5yr old.
Since July 2017 (when his sister started crawling) he has become obsessed with her and obsessed with being horrible to her.
I am crying as I write this so please be kind.

• he will put toys in front of her, wait until she goes to get it then snatch it away
• shut her hand in doors
• make her spit on stuff
• 5 toys that he got for Christmas he has broken (his reason, he wanted to)

And now his new thing he is hellbent on waking her up, at 4am this morning he picked up two toys clashed them together and said her name multiple times, then she woke up crying. When I went through to his room, he dived back into bed pretending to be asleep. I have a 7 month old now too and the behaviour is transferring onto her. (He will throw toys at her in her high chair) or he will bang toys off the floor to get her to look at him. If she does happen to look he will run away. And the other day he has started to pick the wall off I am exhausted, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as nobody in the history of the world seems to experience this. I don't think we are all ever in the same room for too long as I cannot cope. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice?

Op I am dealing with some similar behaviour from my DS to my Dd. I feel just like you are describing and it is exhausting, even though my DS is at school during the day - you must be beside yourself. I feel very judged when people give advice which is partly my own lack of confidence. Then I try everything and feel like a failure when it doesn't work!

My DS does say that he loves Dd and I think he struggles to cope with the complicated emotions he feels (how can I feel anger/jealousy and love at the same time?) but I do think he struggles more than average with emotion and sensory response generally, so a GP trip may need to happen. I suspect there maybe some issue which can't be resolved through standard parenting techniques. I have never got my son to stay on a naughty step or time out and how to do this without physical restraint is a mystery to me.

What we have tried with varying degrees of success is:

• not shouting (ok not 100% but minimised) and talking in a calm low voice no matter how he is speaking to me. That way I feel/seem more in control and he doesn't have anything to escalate against

• giving him physical contact with us, hugs etc, plus he gets to hold the baby sometimes, very supervised. Of course do not do this if it is not safe, but one thing DS said to me was that he never got to hold her and I hold her all the time. So now we sometimes sit together and she sits on his lap for a minute. Maybe a safe step towards this could be sitting together and he holds her hand or reads/talks her through a picture book? Or take some funny selfies together. It means they start to develop their own relationship and she is not this alien being attached to me.

• DS staying up a bit later than DD, not too late but DH usually puts Dd to bed and I play a game with DS, sometimes we swap. I know you have 3 but you and your dp could take it in turns to have different combinations.

• consistent boundaries, marble for good behaviour, toy removal after 1 major or 3 minor bad behaviours. Like yours, my DS isn't so bothered about any consequence so we have to focus on the reward side. I sometimes promise him a marble for staying in bed all night and not getting up before 7 and he has to come and say something silly to me in the morning which starts the day with a smile.

• routines, preparation and getting in before the behaviour starts is always key and always hardest to get on top of. Our mornings are now the best times of day as his uniform and breakfast are prepped the night before and we stick to a tight schedule. You may find school does him a favour in that respect.

• making sure I tell him he is being cute/clever/funny/beautiful as he hears this said to/about Dd all the time and conversely making sure he sees me setting age-appropriate boundaries for Dd too eg showing gentle hands so he sees consistency between how they are treated. Maybe reconsidering your approach to sitting at the table could help with this - I always remind myself DS doesn't know how he was treated as a baby so he can only compare the present.

Despite our efforts it is a constant battle and we get it wrong all the time, mostly like you because of being worn down. There are small victories though and occasionally I can see that even if he's argued and fought at the time, he has heard what I've said and tried to take it on board. That helps when I feel like I am talking to a brick wall.

I hope sharing my experience helps either through offering something new to try or just reassurance that you're not alone.

I think I've read all of the thread, certainly all of the OP's posts.

Dear OP, you don't just sound exhausted, and stressed, I am genuinely concerned that you may well have PND. To have had an emergency hysterectomy at your age means that they were genuinely worried for your life. That is a very big thing to get your head round. As a young woman, getting your head around the loss of your fertility (welcome though that might feel at this precise moment) is another big thing. It's quite possible you have PTSD. In addition, an emergency hysterectomy is a far bigger operation than a caesarean section, needing far more physical recovery. From your description of needing relative recent transfusion, you have not had a straight forward recovery. Despite this, you have been breastfeeding (agree it might be worth speaking to such as la Leche, to try to stop your nipples being in such a state), and looking after 3 children under 5.

Honestly, I don't think that you've had a hope in hell of being as good a mum as you could be, because you've been ill, and under so much pressure that it's harder to get better. You need to see the GP for you. Please. That isn't being selfish. Looking after your own health is a vital step towards being the mum you want to be. As the airlines say "in an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first".

I didn't manage to read the whole thread so sorry if this has been said.

1. you are trying your best. Be kind to yourself.

2. follow through with GP and HV - you may already be doing this.

3. ask nursery to refer to Early Help like the SENCo suggested.

4. Call social services to see if they can offer support.

5. Do NOT let your DS sleep with baby / DD. I would suggest DH cosleeps with DS and you sleep with babies to keep everyone safe. This is a non-negotiable. How you work it out it up to you but this is really serious. You shouldn't be on the sofa with the baby.

6. please don't let children walk about eating. Choking and hygine hazards.

7. Get a double push chair like the out and about. Tell your son he either walks where you want or he goes in the pram. If he kicks off put him in. Have a sling ready so if he hits sibling in pram, but baby in sling so he has no one to hit.

This sounds really hard. You can do this OP, just get some support. Having 3 little people is hard work. Good luck and take care.

OP- I just saw this article on quick ways to connect with your child and thought you might find some ideas of ways to spend time with DS: onetimethrough.com/joyful-ways-to-connect/

@MsJuniper I have never been able to get my children (no sen) or children I have worked with to stay on the 'naughty' step. I think it's common for them not to stay so don't worry about that. I don't use it and don't rate it as a behaviour management technique. I know it works for some families but most professionals I work with would be against it. Good luck with your dc xx

She's not really blocking the t.v. though, it's a 48 inch telly so he can still see it.
He is just choosing to moan.
Put ds in with us last night and god was it horrific. He slept about 3 hours, kept getting up, shouting, singing, shouting my dds name 😓

Bless you! Long day ahead then, hope you get some naps. x

I think you need to work out the best room arrangement and stick to it. All this trying one night and it not working and so changing again is silly.

You need to configure the space you have in the best way, make it a positive lovely thing and then stick to it with a good bed time routine for WEEKS before you decide it doesn't work.

I still think the best configuration would be DD and DS in the bedrooms (with single beds in there too so there is enough room for your or DH to kip in there if needed) and you DH and baby in living room on a decent sofa bed and cot. Then baby in with DD when old enough and sleeping through.

Then stairgates on doors (one that DS can't open), stair gate on stairs, gro clocks on high shelves/walls. and then a cast iron bedtime routine and a no tolerance put back to bed every time they get up till clock says it's time.

AND STICK TO IT RELIGIOUSLY FOR WEEKS!

And make long term plans to move to 3 bedroom.

I couldn't leave ds in our room, it would be trashed.
I honestly do not think he would understand a gro clock when he seems to understand very little as it is "stay in bed until this says 7" really will not work

OP,

Is your nursery meeting today? I hope it goes well!

Yes it's today hut I don't know if it's worth going anymore. So many people have pointed out that deep down I know there is nothing wrong and just a phase but I'm so fucking fed up.
He hasn't done one good thing this morning, not even the littlest of good things , I was going with somebody's suggestion of praising every small thing but he doesn't behaved once

Please do go to the meeting - it can’t hurt, and may help. None of us know what’s going on with your DS underneath.

On the gro clock - they’re a lot simpler than that. The daytime light comes on and the sun comes up when it’s time to get up. At bedtime, the moon and stars come out - the stars disappear one by one between lights out and waking up time.

So it’s a pretty simple ‘if the sun is up, you can get up’. Won’t work for every kid but it does help for some.

There may be something wrong OP, we don't know so it is definitely worth going.

On the other hand there may be nothing wrong but you need to know either way so start the process off today. Get as much help as you can.

Please go to the meeting, it's important and even though you received a lot of good advice on here, we don't know your son. He needs a professional assessment and you definitely need some support.

She's not really blocking the t.v. though, it's a 48 inch telly so he can still see it.
He is just choosing to moan.

But if she’s standing in front of it when he’s trying to watch it, then that is unacceptable behaviour and you need to correct it.
If you are just leaving her then your DS is trying to deal with it himself by hitting/pushing her as this is the only way he knows how to.

If he sees you asking her to move every time then this will be what he then starts to do.

Definitely go to the meeting - they are in the best position to assess your DS and may know local sources of support for you.

Ok, so he's had an off morning, but it sounds as though things are going slightly better. Step by step.

Out of interest, what would be your reaction if it was DS standing in front of the tv when your DD was trying to watch it? I know he's bigger but till, at 48 inches she's still be able to watch it. I suspect your reaction would be very different. Something to think about.

Regarding your two year old. Thinking back to when I was doing lunches at nursery, the two year olds would, generally, sit nicely at the table for 20 mins (if not longer) until everyone had finished. If they didn't, they would go in a high chair (but that would be a rarity at that age.) They would put their rubbish in the bin (some without being asked) and try to put their cups and plates on the side.

I honestly think you need to higher your expectations of all your children. You say your son would trash your room if he stayed in there. Maybe he wouldn't. Last night was difficult, because it was new for him. Plus, you were right on hand to give him attention. If it happens every night the novelty will wear off.

Do go today, it may feel like a huge effort on so little sleep but I'm sure you'll be glad you did.
You're taking steps in the right direction it won't all get better immediately but each baby step will help and will also give you some measure of control.

If he was in front of it it wouldn't bother me, I do tell her to shift, eventually moving her but she goes right back there as ds will end up laughing so she thinks it's a game.
Well a few photo frames are now broken, he spat all over his bed, he threw and broke a DVD case so slightly trashed.

There's too much stuff in our room with nowhere to put it, dd in there would be even worse.
My dd can put stuff in the bin and will launch her cup or plate into the sink so she knows that

Could you move somewhere bigger OP?

You need to attend the meeting , your needing parenting advice as your clearly not managing & all your children need boundaries & structure to get in a routine , your the mum you rule them not other way around . Not meaning to be harsh just that's what it boils down to & with going to the meeting it will hopefully get things moving forward

I did ask my dp about transferring the mortgage to another house but he said there'd be a couple hundred pounds needed or something

OP. It sounds really tough but keep going with the changes and remember yes it will take some adjustment but don’t assume because it Doesn’t work for the first week that it won’t work.

And please investigate speech delay.

Will be thinking of you today and hoping you see something positive

Change your expectations of him, let him know you have a good opinion of him, might sound silly but given everything you’ve said that’s the thing I think is most likely to work. Being the oldest makes him special, because he can do stuff his sisters can’t, be a wing man kind of thing. When you tell him off go down the ‘I know you can do better than that’ route.

@ItsMEhooray thanks!

I did ask my dp about transferring the mortgage to another house but he said there'd be a couple hundred pounds needed or something

Wouldn’t there also be stamp duty, estate agents fees, removal costs and mortgage costs.
You don’t transfer your mortgage to another house, you sell your house pay off the mortgage and get another mortgage for the next house.