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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I boring or is he a sex pest?

185 replies

Morningcoffeeee · 11/01/2019 21:52

He's very highly sexed whereas I'm not, but we're intimate fairly regularly and I do make the effort so he can't say he's deprived (we have a 12 month old and I'm 6 months pregnant so that should tell you enough)

I don't need to rant on about how exhausting it is being pregnant whilst caring for a toddler.

Occasionally we'll go about a week without having it but that's largely to do with the fact he works nights so we have opposite routines, which I can't help.

I'm under a bit of stress at the moment and the last time we had it was 5 days ago, I'd happily go another few days as I'm just not in the mood but he's definitely expecting it now which I can tell as he's resorting to his sleazy behaviour again.

What I don't like is when I'm busy doing somethings around the house and he comes over to grab my bum or puts his hand between my legs and makes noises like "ooooft" or comments about me looking sexy (the latter I don't mind so much)

They have become the 'signal' that he's in the mood for sex so it rarely happens organically, it's supposed to get me going but does the absolute opposite. It puts me off him and makes me question his social skills.

He also sends dick pics and masturbation videos, I don't know why because I haven't forgotten what it looks like. I don't need a constant stream of the same penis (or any penis for that matter) on my phone.

Apparently his last ex was also highly sexed. I feel like telling him to sod off back to her sometimes.

So am I depriving him or is he a sex pest?

OP posts:
Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 11/01/2019 21:55

It sounds like I hate him doesn't it.

I don't. I love him very much but absolutely hate feeling objectified.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2019 21:56

He’s a sex pest. His behaviour is disgusting.

Move2WY · 11/01/2019 21:58

I don’t think he’s objectifying you.

However, a 1 year old and 6 months pregnant is enough to put anyone off sex for years.

He needs to respect you. Have you spoken about it - don’t worry yourself about his ex. You shouldn’t have to keep up with her (if what he says is true)

CalmDownPacino · 11/01/2019 21:59

He sounds disgusting. I couldn't have sex with a pest like that. I don't know why you put up with that kind of behaviour.

Ediemccreedy · 11/01/2019 21:59

I think if my husband sent me dick pics or masturbation videos I would have to bleach myself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2019 22:00

Sending videos of him wanking, if it’s not something you’ve mutually agreed to, is really grim. Likewise groping you, which isn’t okay at all.

Have you told him explicitly to stop? You shouldn’t have to obviously!

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 11/01/2019 22:00

I haven't spoken to him about it because I don't want him to feel rejected and I know that's how he'll take it.

I don't know why he thinks I like the dirty photos and videos as ive never once sent him any in all the years we've been together.

I did make a comment a while ago about not understanding why men send them, he stopped for a while but is sending loads again now.

I was out shopping with DM today and he messaged me on WhatsApp, three or four pictures in a row. Totally innapropriate timing.

OP posts:
uhtredsonofuhtred · 11/01/2019 22:02

Sorry I had to laugh at the pics and videos bit  men are quite something aren't they 🙈

I'd say your doing well with once a week being that your 6 months pregnant (my dh was lucky to get it once a once at that stage)

Tell him to fuck off, and god gave him two hands for a reason 

whatsnewchoochoo · 11/01/2019 22:02

I'm sorry to ask but have you told him you don't like it? From his view he does these things and you have sex with him. I assume he assumes it's turning you on.

BlancheM · 11/01/2019 22:02

The fact he told you his ex had a high sex drive is telling.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 11/01/2019 22:05

That's totally gross. I'd pack DH in if he did that.

burritofan · 11/01/2019 22:05

If my boyfriend put his hand between my legs at random, without preamble, he'd be saying "oooft" because I'd have kicked him in the nads.

Did he do the grabbing and dick pics pre-pregnancy?

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 11/01/2019 22:06

I know he watches porn because he joked the other morning that he wanted to charge his phone so he could.... before he went to sleep. I said what do you need the phone for and he laughed "porn"

I'd prefer he watched that than hound me at inconvenient times to be honest.

When he first started with the photos a couple of years ago I did pretend to like them, he asked whether I enjoyed them and I felt so awkward I just said yes. I've since said I don't understand why any man would send them as it's not really something that gets me in the mood.

I wouldn't mind if it was once a month or something I'd laugh it off, but it's becoming frequent. Very frequent. How do you respond to that?

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 11/01/2019 22:06

*I haven't spoken to him about it...

I don't know why he thinks I like the dirty photos and videos”*

Right there is your answer. You are intimate with this man. You have Sex with him and he has seen you give birth. Why is it so difficult to have an actually discussion?????

Sit down and talk. He isn’t a sex pest- he thinks he is doing okay as you've clearly responded in the past to these approaches. You day he will feel rejected but how do you actually know that when you havent even talked? And you feel uncomfortable and upset by his actions so why are his feelings trumping yours?

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 11/01/2019 22:07

Yes he did all of this pre pregnancy.

Its like he has two personalities. One is very sweet and considerate and the other is a bloody perv.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 11/01/2019 22:07

stop putting his feelings first - stop minimising how his behaviour makes you feel and how much of a sex pest he really is

At best he is doing it because he thinks it turns you on and you like it - in this case telling him nicely its doesnt will be fine

if not well then you know where you stand

He is a grown man not a teenager

arethereanyleftatall · 11/01/2019 22:09

So, he likes a lot of sex; you don't like it so much (especially when you're knackered). Nothing to do with boring. Why does his wants trump yours?
(I would absolutely hate what he does btw, it would be intolerable for me, regardless of how much I liked him. Which I wouldn't.)

happychange · 11/01/2019 22:11

Ewww to dick pics Envy --> not envy

Thankyouforthemusic · 11/01/2019 22:11

Grin burritoface

I’d Tell him to get lost. What an arse

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 11/01/2019 22:12

I think because he can work 5 nights a week and still want daily sex that he assumes it wouldn't be any different for me. I'm a SAHM so whilst I don't work right now I'm constantly on the go and exhausted from pregnancy.

OP posts:
CantWaitToRetire · 11/01/2019 22:13

So often I read on these boards that the OP doesn’t want to hurt or offend the subject of their irritation by saying something, but they’re willing to put up with that person hurting their own feelings.

OP you need to have a discussion with him. Try and frame it that you’d rather he didn’t do X because it irritates/upsets you but he could do Y instead. Give him an alternative. Not sure what Y would be (massage your back/send you a love note/do the ironing/delete as appropriate). I know it’s not an easy conversation but he’ll never stop if you don’t let on that you dislike it.

BlancheM · 11/01/2019 22:13

He isn't sending you the pics and vids for your benefit, though. Don't imagine it's because he thinks you like them. He does it because it gives him a pervy thrill

Lovingbenidorm · 11/01/2019 22:15

Wow got a right fucking Prince there op.
You really have got to talk to him about this. You are feeling objectified and disrespected, this is not a good basis for a relationship

Returnofthesmileybar · 11/01/2019 22:18

You need to talk to him, not telling him you don't like it in his head is the same as telling him you do

"Mike I love you, I find you attractive and really enjoy our sex life but lately it's like you think grabbing my crotch or sending me videos will turn me on but it actually totally turns me off. Look I don't want to hurt you but it's either say nothing and you keep doing it,which is unfair on both of us or just be honest. If you want to turn me on or initiate sex try x,y,z"

He might sulk a little but that will more than likely be embarrassment, he'll get over it. If you don't say it like that you will bottle it up and blow your fuse and it will all come out wrong

Xenadog · 11/01/2019 22:30

OP, you’re putting up with a huge amount of shit. Really you are. Tell him the vile pornography he is sending you and the groping stops. If he can’t or won’t then you really do have a problem. Unless you tell him how you feel, his awful sex-pest behaviour will continue. Once he knows you don’t like it he can stop but if he doesn’t then you know he has no respect for you and you’re going to have to do some serious thinking.