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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I boring or is he a sex pest?

185 replies

Morningcoffeeee · 11/01/2019 21:52

He's very highly sexed whereas I'm not, but we're intimate fairly regularly and I do make the effort so he can't say he's deprived (we have a 12 month old and I'm 6 months pregnant so that should tell you enough)

I don't need to rant on about how exhausting it is being pregnant whilst caring for a toddler.

Occasionally we'll go about a week without having it but that's largely to do with the fact he works nights so we have opposite routines, which I can't help.

I'm under a bit of stress at the moment and the last time we had it was 5 days ago, I'd happily go another few days as I'm just not in the mood but he's definitely expecting it now which I can tell as he's resorting to his sleazy behaviour again.

What I don't like is when I'm busy doing somethings around the house and he comes over to grab my bum or puts his hand between my legs and makes noises like "ooooft" or comments about me looking sexy (the latter I don't mind so much)

They have become the 'signal' that he's in the mood for sex so it rarely happens organically, it's supposed to get me going but does the absolute opposite. It puts me off him and makes me question his social skills.

He also sends dick pics and masturbation videos, I don't know why because I haven't forgotten what it looks like. I don't need a constant stream of the same penis (or any penis for that matter) on my phone.

Apparently his last ex was also highly sexed. I feel like telling him to sod off back to her sometimes.

So am I depriving him or is he a sex pest?

OP posts:
Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 13:08

I think it's fair to say I have skewed expectations of what's normal and what's not. I was with the abusive one for 7 years and he was truly evil, so when I met this one he seemed wonderful in comparison albeit very highly sexed. He has alot of redeeming qualities if I take sex out of the equation, unfortunately I can't do that because sex is very much a big thing here.

OP posts:
BBCONEANDTWO · 12/01/2019 13:20

You will end up hating him.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 12/01/2019 13:25

Right, so he has from for sleeping with someone else when he felt you weren't "putting out" enough for him.
Is that what's driving your fear here? That he will do the same again?

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 13:27

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess to an extent i'd say yes

OP posts:
withsexypantsandasausagedog · 12/01/2019 13:27

Tell him that your mother saw the pictures as you were out with her showing her something on your phone when his pictures came through.
Maybe he might think twice!

GummyGoddess · 12/01/2019 13:32

Just tell him not to send them, he might pout but he'll get over it. Or reply asking if it was particularly cold. A penis is not the most attractive thing to look at, function over form.

As for the calling you into the shower to watch him wank, that is totally bizarre! Have you considered sex counselling for you both? They would be able to confirm what is appropriate and he would have to confront the fact that he is in the wrong here.

Atalune · 12/01/2019 13:36

I forgot about the calling you in to the bathroom to watch him wank. What if you had the toddler on your hip??

Quartz2208 · 12/01/2019 13:39

Just because its better than the relationship before it doesnt make this one not abusive - it is very much so.

You need to tell him at the very least he needs counselling (as do you)

This cant go on OP he is escalating badly and it could end up very badly

AnotherOriginalUsername · 12/01/2019 13:52

Tell him you don't want any more photos and any that you do receive will be posted on social media

Improve12 · 12/01/2019 14:02

you don't have lack of a drive. you are pregnant and have a kid. he is desperate. you need to tell him its unacceptable behaviour. model right behaviour to your kids. consent is important. would you want your kids to be treated like you? no. drive him to the police station and have a chat in front of authorities. he might learn a thing or 2. you will prob get to a point where you don't care about his feelings one day. I fear it will be after enduring serious psychological abuse for yourse;f

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 14:03

I joked about forwarding them to his manager who'd be able to see what he's doing on company time

OP posts:
AnotherOriginalUsername · 12/01/2019 14:20

Is your toddler DC a girl or your baby a girl? How would he feel if a guy was doing this to one of them? If you have boys, would he be proud of his son harassing a woman like this?

StripeyDeckchair · 12/01/2019 14:25

There is something wrong with your partners behaviour - all of it, the photos, the videos, the groping, the pestering
There is something wrong with the fact that you are having sex with your partner when you don't want to because he's made you feel that there is something wrong with you and your sex drive.

Please see this and tell him how repulsive and unacceptable his behaviour is. You don't want your DC growing up seeing his behaviour as acceptable.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 14:26

One of our little ones is a girl yes. I'd be mortified if somebody behaved that way towards her.

Equally as mortified if our son grew up to act like that towards women.

The small consolation in this situation is that our toddler isn't exposed to the behaviour and he never does it in front of or around them.

OP posts:
Pommes · 12/01/2019 14:27

Imagine what his camera roll looks like. 🙈

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 14:31

My gallery is absolutely full of the photos because they save automatically when he sends them on whatsapp. I have to sit there manually deleting them all.

I do want him to assess the extent of his 'sex problem' and how overbearing it is. I'll have to bite the bullet and have the conversation whether he likes it or not.

OP posts:
AnotherOriginalUsername · 12/01/2019 14:32

The small consolation in this situation is that our toddler isn't exposed to the behaviour and he never does it in front of or around them

So he can control himself. Which means he chooses to behave like this towards you.

Streamside · 12/01/2019 14:41

My partner once left a note on the steering wheel of my car. He'd passed the car park, noticed my car and had a spare key so left a note saying'Fancy a stiffy' on a post it note.A few hours later,I was giving the office junior a lift home and you can guess the rest. No learning points, just commisseration really.

TimeForANameChange19 · 12/01/2019 14:46

I could of wrote this post!
Drives me insane and makes me not want to. Which is the opposite of what he wants. I have told him many times but like you they calm down then start up again a few weeks later.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 14:49

I've been reading up on sex addiction and it all seems to be more bother than I can be doing with, if that's what he has. I'll have another baby to look after soon so even less time for bunk ups when the mood strikes. I can't live my life having unwanted sex because I'm worried he'll go off and shag somebody else if I don't.

You've all helped drill home that the problem isn't me so thanks for that. I'll be having a serious conversation with him but today isn't the right time because it's his birthday, I'll do it tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 14:52

As you might have guessed he was on the prowl again this morning when he got in from work. We had the fire brigade coming round to do a fire safety check so I've been preoccupied sorting out the house and looking after the toddler, I managed to wrangle out of his hints but I'll probably end up sleeping with him later on because I'll feel bad with it being his birthday Confused

I wish I wanted to sleep with him I just don't. Ugh

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 12/01/2019 14:59

I'm not always the most forthcoming with affection in terms of initiating hugs/cuddles it because I assume he'll misread the signs and go in for sex.

This was my marriage 20 years ago. We had mismatched sex drives too. I just got out of the habit of touching him in any way whilst we were still in our 20s/30s because he just thought it was always an invitation to sex. In the end it was such a turn-off that I just didn't ever want to have sex with him and unsurprisingly he left. This was 15 years ago. I still think he has no idea why it ended up that way and just assumes I was "frigid". In fact this was self-perpetuating as it has put me off sex permanently.

I wish I had understood the situation at the time (like you I felt it was my fault for not wanting sex) and then we could have worked on it, although I doubt he would have had the patience. You really will have to make him understand the long-term effect his behaviour is having/will have on you (and him).

ReanimatedSGB · 12/01/2019 15:07

I wonder if you are allowing him to have sex on you because your greatest fear is that he will do it even if you say no, and you will then have to acknowledge that he is a rapist.

A slightly less awful possibility is that his ideas about men, women and sex are badly screwed up and that what is motivating his behaviour is him actually not wanting sex, but wanting to be able to blame you for rejecting him. There are some men who behave like this: constant groping and talk about sex and requests/demands for sex at inconvenient times: they don't want sex, but they want the woman to be shocked/repulsed/hurt/annoyed.

DarkStorm · 12/01/2019 15:20

‘I wish I wanted to sleep with him I just don't. Ugh’

Well yeah. That’s cuz he’s gross and doesn’t care about your feelings.
I hope he will listen when you tell him how you feel. But I get the feeling he will huff (again), turn it round on you and continue to be a sex pest.

Good luck though?

Ps You don’t have to stay with him forever.

Jaxhog · 12/01/2019 15:35

I'm actually surprised you've stuck with him for so long. He doesn't appear to have much respect for you. You are the one adapting to HIS sexual needs, and he's discussing his sex life with his ex!

Either have 'that talk', or expect to become more and more of a doormat.