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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I boring or is he a sex pest?

185 replies

Morningcoffeeee · 11/01/2019 21:52

He's very highly sexed whereas I'm not, but we're intimate fairly regularly and I do make the effort so he can't say he's deprived (we have a 12 month old and I'm 6 months pregnant so that should tell you enough)

I don't need to rant on about how exhausting it is being pregnant whilst caring for a toddler.

Occasionally we'll go about a week without having it but that's largely to do with the fact he works nights so we have opposite routines, which I can't help.

I'm under a bit of stress at the moment and the last time we had it was 5 days ago, I'd happily go another few days as I'm just not in the mood but he's definitely expecting it now which I can tell as he's resorting to his sleazy behaviour again.

What I don't like is when I'm busy doing somethings around the house and he comes over to grab my bum or puts his hand between my legs and makes noises like "ooooft" or comments about me looking sexy (the latter I don't mind so much)

They have become the 'signal' that he's in the mood for sex so it rarely happens organically, it's supposed to get me going but does the absolute opposite. It puts me off him and makes me question his social skills.

He also sends dick pics and masturbation videos, I don't know why because I haven't forgotten what it looks like. I don't need a constant stream of the same penis (or any penis for that matter) on my phone.

Apparently his last ex was also highly sexed. I feel like telling him to sod off back to her sometimes.

So am I depriving him or is he a sex pest?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/01/2019 00:56

Your sex drive / energy level / dislike of videos of your DP jerking himself is perfectly normal

So this isn't because you're YOU

However you do have to speak to him.

I kept hoping you'd take the hint but you won't so I need you to listen and hear me.
It doesn't turn me on when you randomly grab me between the legs / boons whatever
It doesn't turn me on when you flash me your cock in using sending photos of it
It doesn't turn me on way hung you masterbate
It doesn't turn me on when make lewd comments
It's more likely to turn me on if we sit and cuddle /kiss etc but sometimes it still won't, because I'm human, I pregnant, I'm running round after a small child all day.
I love you, but if we both aren't up for sex then how is it fun?
The more you do the things I've said I don't like, the less we will have sex

sprouts21 · 12/01/2019 01:16

Op what is stopping you from telling him to quit? Are you scared of him?

ReanimatedSGB · 12/01/2019 01:26

I think you do need to tell him, firmly - and as calmly as you can - that you are tired of his constant willy-waving, that you don't want to see any more photos of it because you know what it looks like, and that his behaviour is starting to put you off sex altogether.
It's possible that he genuinely believes you like this type of thing, but it's rather more likely that he simply doesn't care about what you like or want, but has found that the more he waves his dick about, the more likely it is that you will open your legs to get some peace and quiet once he's had some sex.

What's the rest of him like? Is he kind, funny, good company? Does he do his fair share of domestic work and childcare? When you have sex with him, is it enjoyable for you or is it a matter of 'letting' him do it on you?

anyideasonthis · 12/01/2019 01:37

Sorry OP but I bet there's more going on than you realise.... l'm sure you only know the half of it. I bet he's up to all sorts.

BastardGoDarkly · 12/01/2019 05:44

I think he does, totally know you don't like the dick pics, that's why he stopped, now he's decided he doesn't care if you like them, and he's started again.

Ok, if you're really struggling to get the words out, write him a letter, say everything you need to.

It's not loving, what he's doing, it's horrible.

Please tell him.

Luglio · 12/01/2019 06:04

OP, please please stop having sex you don't want, just to keep the peace. It's the thin end of an absolutely horrific, rapey wedge.

Atalune · 12/01/2019 08:17

I remember a line form a tb show and I think it’s true-

Women need love to have sex and men need sex to feel loved.

You need to work out ways of being intimate and making each other feel loved that isn’t dick picks and groping.

And also every kiss our hug isn’t a green light for sex.

I think he has a porn problem.

Quartz2208 · 12/01/2019 08:47

It’s awful OP that he is making you feel like it’s your fault and you re too blame
You have even broached the addiction part but still that doesn’t make this right
I’m sorry because I suspect if you start looking at the relationship too much it would be scary

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 10:33

He has cheated on me before and said it was because he felt as though I was pushing him away, not much intimacy. I know that's a common reason given when somebody cheats so I blamed my self for him feeling unloved.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/01/2019 10:45

Oh OP I am so sorry

None of this is your fault

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 10:50

Sex problems aside he's the opposite, it's like two different people.

He's sweet and kind, great around the house, good with the DC, supportive, complimentary and understanding.

Then as soon as sex is concerned he's a different person, a selfish obsessed git.

That's why I struggle with being conflicted because the vast majority of the time he really is lovely, sex and his behaviour surrounding that brings out a whole other side to him that isn't at the forefront of his personality.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 10:52

I didn't believe sex addiction was a thing but now knowing him like I do, I do suspect there's more going on than just a high sex drive

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/01/2019 11:07

You're not defective or to blame for his cheating! Sounds like a fairly common tactic tbh, blame you for lack of intimacy so you feel obliged to have sex more often. Ugh. I'm sure you think there are some good things about him but I'm struggling to see any.

Quartz2208 · 12/01/2019 11:13

Then the onus needs to be on him to sort this not you. You can’t paper the cracks anymore and certainly you can’t keep giving in when you don’t want it

I think you need to tell him all of this and see what he does. Either he accepts this is an issue far beyond mismatched sex drives and seeks help or you have to be prepared to walk I think

madcatladyforever · 12/01/2019 11:17

I would divorce a man who was that disgusting, I cannot bear lewd men.

Schmoobarb · 12/01/2019 11:18

He’s cheated on you
He sexually assaults you
He sends you obscene pictures and videos
He “persuades” you to have sex when you don’t want it

This is not a “good” and “lovely” man and stop making excuses for his behaviour by explaining it as “addiction”.

Tell him it all has to stop or you’ll leave.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 12/01/2019 11:40

Between working, wanking and sending unsolicited photos, does he have time to do anything else?!

This definitely isn't normal behaviour. I have a 6 week old baby and my husband and I have had sex once since conception (and that was before he knew I was pregnant, I found out about 2 days before but hadn't told him yet). I know he isn't really happy about this, of course he isn't, but he's never once complained, tried it on, groped me, forced me to be an inadvertent voyeur or sent unwanted photos Confused

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 12:08

I find it's a difficult subject to bring up, in part because I don't like having to 'confront' my lack of sex drive and he doesn't like to be told that his is excessive.

When I mentioned the dick pics before he went in a huff because he felt i was calling him a pervert. I was. I was just trying to be subtle about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 12:10

Communication isn't great between us. If anything is ever addressed it's often discussed quickly then brushed under the carpet and left there, it's the same with other non sex related things. In general I'm an open communicator but he is the opposite, so I've adapted to that because I can't be arsed having to drag it out of him.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 12/01/2019 12:20

Just tell him you don't like it!

For whatever reason, he thinks you're ok with him signalling he wants sex in these ways. You need to tell him you're not - he's not telepathic.

Your feelings are not less important than his. If you don't like dick pics (and really, who does?!), tell him. If you don't like being grabbed by the crotch, tell him.

How would you prefer he asks you - with words? Tell him.

DarkStorm · 12/01/2019 12:29

It’s abnormal behaviour on his part. He gets a thrill out of sending LOADS of dick pics even though you don’t respond. He gropes you. He talks about you to his ex. He won’t communicate or talk about things that are important. He dismisses your feelings.

So he does housework and acts like a parent to his DCS. Doesn’t make him a good partner, does it?

And yeah, he can be nice but that’s because the relationship is running the way HE wants it to. Wonder how nice he will be if you put your foot down about his disgusting behaviour.

Pachyderm1 · 12/01/2019 12:33

That is so gross. No wonder you aren’t in the mood, how foul. I’d be telling him that if he tries that even one more time he’ll be lucky if he ever has sex again.

Atalune · 12/01/2019 12:48

You’re minimising and making out like it’s your fault.

It isn’t.

Quartz2208 · 12/01/2019 12:51

You dont have a lack of a sex drive though - that is the whole point. The way he treats you and sex has meant you dont want to do it with him. It all comes back to his excessive needs that somehow make you feel like its your fault.

I am almost certain that in a different relationship or with a different approach your sex drive would not be an issue at all

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 12/01/2019 13:04

I've not had this problem with all of my relationships, only him and one other but the other was an abusive relationship so it's no wonder I didn't want to sleep with him either.

I met my current partner two years after I left the domestic violence. Initially I wanted to be intimate with him all of the time during the honeymoon period but as years passed and we became a family, that side simmered down a bit which I see is completely normal. It just hasn't simmered down for him.

OP posts:
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