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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:

ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/12/2018 15:41

No. I don't think you are being unreasonable. Has he said why it must be 12pm?

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2018 15:42

Will your family pitch in?

I do think he's being U, actually

arethereanyleftatall · 12/12/2018 15:42

1 hour shouldn't be a problem. But that particular hour is!
Why can't he go at say 3pm?

CmdrIvanova · 12/12/2018 15:43

I think he is being a knob, but could you do the big Christmas turkey meal as an early dinner around 4pm, and have canapes and a light lunch at 1? Less stress for you and avoids a big Barney?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/12/2018 15:44

I can't imagine my OH only staying there for an hour. Almost certainly be late back. That said if its important to him I would probably feed the little ones and the adults eat a bit later.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/12/2018 15:44

Good plan. If he can't switch from midday, can you switch to having dinner instead of lunch as the biggie?

TwistedStitch · 12/12/2018 15:44

Why can't he go after lunch when the kids are napping? Seems very convenient that he has to go during the busiest hour of the day when he might have to help!

SwearyInn · 12/12/2018 15:46

Having lost my Mum in a sudden and horrible way, I remember how horrible the first Christmas was. He's surrounded by your family all day - reminding him of what he has lost. Though it's at an awkward time, I think you need to cut him some slack and let him go.

If you haven't lost a parent, then you don't know what he's going through.

Auntiepatricia · 12/12/2018 15:47

Well, presumedly it’s his job to mind the kids at 12 so you can slave your guts out making and serving up a full Christmas meal for everyone. So as long as he either brings the kids with him or arranges someone else to mind them on his behalf, then I think it’s fine to go.

Has he told you how he’s accommodating children in this?

Auntiepatricia · 12/12/2018 15:47

(You minding them is not an acceptable solution).

user139328237 · 12/12/2018 15:48

Pubs only tend to open for a couple of hours on xmas day so he probably has little choice as to the time in that respect.
The first Xmas after any family member dies is hard and I imagine that is especially so when it's the last one and you are being expected to spend the day with your wife's family. I'd say that taking an hour out of the day to do something specific was actually a very good idea and may well help him at least appear to be happy in front of the children.
If your parents cared so much about your family they would help prepare the dinner or play with the children.

Ragwort · 12/12/2018 15:48

I would be inclined to eat later, have a big, late breakfast, the children can nap whilst DH is at the pub and you (hopefully with some help) are preparing the lunch. Would that work?

I think the first Christmas after losing a parent is incredibly hard.

cuppycakey · 12/12/2018 15:49

Yeah switch the eating time and watch him squirm

No way will he be back after an hour! Tell him you won't start the cooking until he gets back.

PuppyMonkey · 12/12/2018 15:50

Re why it has to be 12pm and not later, most pubs near me open for just a few hours only on Christmas Day, usually 12-2pm. There are some open for actual Xmas dinner, but they don’t usually let people in just for a drink.

I think he should raise his glass to his mum at yours, or on Christmas Eve.

PumpkinKitty82 · 12/12/2018 15:50

I doubt it’ll just be for an hour either but maybe I’m being unfair ..

MrsGrindah · 12/12/2018 15:50

Sorry but this is the first Christmas without my family and I need people to cut me a little slack too. It’s one day OP. It’s not ideal but he will be hurting. Not saying he should roll back at 7pm either but the plan in itself is fine in my opinion. Wish I could join him!

OoohAyyye · 12/12/2018 15:51

I would either eat later or providing your family help when necessary and you trust that he will only be an hour then I would let it slide tbh. It is a nice gesture. Inconvenient but potentially manageable?

alizarincrimson · 12/12/2018 15:51

My mother died of a brain tumour 3 months ago. I think he’s being unreasonable. It’s not an excuse to disappear and leave all the work to you.

Purpleartichoke · 12/12/2018 15:52

I understand why he wants to go to the pub. You should sit down together and try to come up with a schedule that actually works. That could be him going later. That could mean switching the lunch to an early dinner.

If at all possible, I actually think he will be happier if he can do the pub run after the family meal. He will probably be emotionally exhausted and it will give him an excuse to step away for a bit

mimibunz · 12/12/2018 15:52

Could you possibly dig deep and find some compassion for your husband?

wink1970 · 12/12/2018 15:53

do an easy 'brunch', then he can go out afterwards at 12:00. Then do dinner quite late - maybe 3pm - in case he overruns. You in the meantime can take your time, the kids can nap etc.

Sounds like your first year of hosting? So that means you can write the rules how you want.... (together)

lunar1 · 12/12/2018 15:53

He's being unreasonable, unless there is some significance to 12 pm Christmas Day for him and his mum, but I'm guessing you would know already if there was.

Homethroughthepuddles · 12/12/2018 15:54

The first Christmas after my father died was a difficult one. But it still didn't give me an excuse to be selfish and inconsiderate.

TruckLoadOfSubtleGlitter · 12/12/2018 15:55

It's only 60 minutes though?

BewareOfDragons · 12/12/2018 15:56

He is being unreasonable to leave you to do everything for Christmas for him, his children, and your family. His mum would have been there too if she was still here; it's not your fault she's not. That doesn't absolve him of responsibilities to do his share at home on Christmas.

She was your MIL, too. Surely he can raise a glass at the meal with you, and perhaps see his friends some other time over the holidays.

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