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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 12/12/2018 15:58

i think you can suck it up as a one off. It will be a strange Christmas without his mum. As long as he doesn't do it next year or make it a 'tradition', it won't hurt you.

Your family can help you on Christmas day.

Flowers for you, you deserve them. These things are hard.
My mum died November and mother in law halfway through December so I understand a bit. x

Travisandthemonkey · 12/12/2018 15:58

I think you need to chill out a bit. I presume you’re whole family will be there? To help.
Can’t you just ask him to help with things pre -12? I mean we have laid the table. Prepped everything,

the hour before lunch is served is actually quite stress free. Everything has been put in the oven. If there are starters I presume their already prepped!
Turkey taken out. At 12.30 to rest. Roasted and veg keeping warm.

I really think it’s no big deal for an hour and as you seemingly have all your family I think it’s nice that he wants to go to the local and raise a glass on Xmas day.
It’s his first Xmas without his mum alive. Perhaps he needs some time to raise a glass to her away from your family.

You could make a fuss out of this, and get what you want.

user139328237 · 12/12/2018 15:58

What's selfish is inviting your parents to Xmas day (for the first time) in the year your partners parent died and expecting them to help you host and also at least pretend to be happy all day in order for the children to enjoy Xmas and then begrudging his request to take 60 minutes away from the family where he can specifically remember his mum and actually express how he is actually feeling.
But apparently mumsnet believes men are emotionless and can just get over the death of close family members.

Cherries101 · 12/12/2018 15:59

It’s only an hour two weeks ago. Adequate planning should cover it. Not sure why you’re so pissed off.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/12/2018 16:00

Have you asked him how he's going to fit in his share of the meal prep around that?

skippy67 · 12/12/2018 16:01

It's only an hour! Cut him some slack.

Travisandthemonkey · 12/12/2018 16:01

@Stompythedinosaur
Who the fuck is still prepping an hour before lunch is served!!??
It’s all prepped already surely

Stompythedinosaur · 12/12/2018 16:01

The whole " to raise a glass to my dm" thing sounds like a total excuse to me!

Auntiepatricia · 12/12/2018 16:01

If say let him go but tell him to belting the kids! It’s a pub on Christmas Day for an hour! They’ll be fine! And can bring a you’ll each or crawl around the floor/be passed around knees if little. How many kids are we talking about? I’ve 4 aged 5 and under and would probably send the 5, 4 and 3 yr old with dad and hand the baby to my dad while mum and I blitz the dinner prep. Dad and kids walk in at 1 to dinner ready to go. Feed kids and get them off to bed so we can drink and eat in peace. Would that work?

expatmigrant · 12/12/2018 16:01

I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable.
However, for me the most stressful bit would be Christmas lunch at 1pm.
Why don't you have chilled morning cooking and chatting with the family, have nibbles, let him go to the pub, have a wee drink with the family, then have dinner ready for when the DC wake up from nap?

Villanellesproudmum · 12/12/2018 16:01

Looks like you have got a mixed response, I think you’re being unreasonable, can see your reasoning but can understand him wanting an hours time out especially as they were close on day when thoughts of family are everywhere.

Candy43 · 12/12/2018 16:02

Well no problem with the pub but why then? Right when you’ll probably need help! I think the timing is unreasonable rather than the actual act.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/12/2018 16:03

Travis for me that's the time the meat is out, roasties and yorkshires go in, plus juggling a starter. I would not appreciate doing that plus looming after 2 young kids and hosting guests myself. I think it is a busy time!

Auntiepatricia · 12/12/2018 16:03

Travis, seriously? No matter how prepared you are, the last hour before eating is always manic. Some things have to go oven to table, carving, a child always managed to do a poo and miss the toilet just as the spuds are burning and someone usually drops a glass while you realise there’s still wine to load in the fridge and starters to plate up etc etc

Auntiepatricia · 12/12/2018 16:05

Just reread my earlier post😱 ‘I’d’ and ‘bring’..... not belting the kids!

user139328237 · 12/12/2018 16:05

Do some of you live on a different planet or have you just not visited a pub recently. The vast majority of pubs only open for a couple of hours around lunch time so there is little choice as to the time.

Heartofglass21 · 12/12/2018 16:06

Let him go. Your family will be there to help you prep. Pubs aren't open for long on Christmas Day. It will help with the grieving process. You don't have to have lunch dead on the stroke of 1pm either.

BusterTheBulldog · 12/12/2018 16:07

As long as he’s helping with other stuff I don’t see the problem. I do enjoy a pub visit on Christmas Day though so may be biased!

Houseonahill · 12/12/2018 16:07

YABU maybe that's the time his friends could do so that's why it's been arranged for then? I think to ask for 1 hour on Christmas day (any hour) given the circumstances that should be fine. Ask him if he could move it to 3 for logistics but if he can't then this year you have to lump it in my book sorry.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 12/12/2018 16:08

DH could do his fair share of the food prep before going to the pub.

Off topic - but I found early lunch with young children was actually really hard work on Christmas Day.

You have a frenetic morning with the presents and have to keep leaving to attend to stuff in the kitchen.

I much prefer eating later so that I can spend the morning with the DC and their presents.

raspberryTrousers · 12/12/2018 16:08

The flip side of calling someone selfish is usually someone being selfish.

I don't think DH would want to go to the pub on Christmas day but he hasn't recently lost a parent and I'd trust him to come home when he said he would, almost entirely sober.

I think you should show a little empathy. Your family can help you. You can prepare ahead of time.

I lost a parent. I needed time away from 'family Christmas' for a few years.

I know that the usual MN advice is the host hosts. You invited your family around.

StressedToTheMaxx · 12/12/2018 16:08

I think the key part is, if you agree to have the children for the hour, will he defiantly be back within that hour.
It would be easy for him to lose track of time if his friends etc are there.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2018 16:10

Sure user139328237 that's exactly what's going on Hmm

DH wanted to invite OPs parents and I'm sure he's balancing his grief with his DC having a happy Christmas, which his wife and his inlaws - who he's close to - are facilitating.

No need to be snippy and unkind is there, or to fabricate things.

CheshireChat · 12/12/2018 16:10

But he'll definitely be longer than an hour at the pub itself, add travel time and the time to get ready, he'll be missing pretty much everything so U in my book.

Unfortunately, when you've got kids, life can't just stop even if you have a bereavement.

winsinbin · 12/12/2018 16:10

When I was younger I would have been very anti this. Now I am old I have realised how important my DHs ‘pub mates’ are to him and how much he counts on their camaraderie now his dad is gone and his brother lives overseas. Assuming he is capable of going to the pub for a pint or two and making it back for lunch and a family afternoon in a fit state (which my DH would be but my dear bro couldn’t do in a million years) I would graciously allow this, making it clear that anyone who goes to the pub makes up for it by doing the lions share of the post lunch clean up.

I am sure the OPs family will be able to help with the DC and food prep and will enjoy putting their feet up afterwards while the DC nap.