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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2018 17:21

MrsGrindah Flowers the first year is hard.

I think yabu. Your husband is showing self care. Ask him to help you do all the prep before he goes and get family to pitch in. My dh sometimes goes to the pub for a couple of pints. I don’t see it as a big deal. Children generally amuse themselves with new toys and family.

Jengnr · 12/12/2018 17:21

Why does he have to go to the pub? He can raise a glass to his mum at home. With his wife and children.

I understand that it’s going to be a tough couple of days for him but running away from it won’t help, it’ll just put it off for another year. Then he’ll want to do the same thing as it ‘helped’. And every year hence your kids will know Daddy disappears for a bit at Christmas.

It’s not really fair to honour the dead by walking away from the living imo. He needs to grit his teeth and get through the first one, with the support of his loved ones.

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 12/12/2018 17:25

I really don't get the going to pub thing, particualry on what is likely to be the busiest hour of the year. But grief makes people behave badly, sure you sure that your DH is okay with a full on family Xmas this year?
I think moving the timings to after nap would work best for you as a group.
If you stick to your timings do you trust him to come back when he says he will in a reasonable state? If you do then you could let him go as a one off and hope he doesn't try and make it a habit of it. It sounds a much more pleasant alternative than the one you are left with.
If however this is out of character for him and he is usually a team player then the one time only pass might be okay.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 12/12/2018 17:25

I think you are being totally unreasonable, he is only asking to go out with his family for one hour, and if you do enough prep the day before there should be minimal scurrying around on the day. Let him go and raise a glass, and have a lovely lunch afterwards.

SoupDragon · 12/12/2018 17:26

But are you sure it isn't just a way for him to get out of the house and leave you to the chaos?

You're right. He is probably using the sudden death of his mother in "very sad circumstances" as an excuse to get it of cooking the sprouts.

FFS.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 12/12/2018 17:26

PS totally agree with what SalmonLeBon says

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2018 17:31

It's 1 hour - by the time you do a few things in the home, he'll be back.

He's lost his mum, it's Christmas he'll be feeling the loss.

Sorry, I can't understand any wife who can't do without her husband for 1 hour. Or do they go to pieces having to look after the house and children when the big man's not around?

12-1pm. That's all.

But if it's all about you and your family, then go ahead bring him to heel make him stay at home.

Magentaorwagenta · 12/12/2018 17:31

Let the man raise a pint in the way he wants on Xmas day!

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2018 17:32

& Make the lunch a bit later than 1pm. He probably can't face it all anyway. We cannot decide how others do or should grieve.

3timeslucky · 12/12/2018 17:33

I think he's U to be going at that particular time of day if you're agreed on a 1pm lunch.

I also know how horrible that first Christmas is and my heart goes out to him, but he did say the arrangement with your family was what he wanted (didn't he?)

Add onto that, I don't live in a culture where anyone goes to the pub for an hour and is likely to be back on time so that would be a red flag here (in fact no social meeting up ever just lasts an hour, pub or no pub).

And I agree that having dinner before toddlers go to nap is a bad idea ... they're not at their best and you're under time pressure.

So in your shoes I'd change lunch time til 3/3.30 when the kids are awake again and I'd let him have his pub time taking into account that it will be a rough day for him.

TheCraicDealer · 12/12/2018 17:33

You're prioritising having a meal at a specific time for no real reason over him paying respects to his mum? Seriously?

You'll have your own family around you, so plenty of help with the food and children. Do most of the prep the night before, have a decent brunch (which he could prepare), he goes to the pub and you/your family leisurely sort food when the DC are napping and then eat about 3 or 4pm when they wake/he gets back. It's not that hard.

Tbh it reads like you're trying to be the hostess with the mostest as this is the first time you're hosting, so want his help at home. He's been decent agreeing to host your family at what must be a really hard time for him, so the least you could make time for him go for a drink and grieve the way he feels he'd like to.

anniehm · 12/12/2018 17:33

I actually think it's an admission of him really struggling. As inconvenient as it is, I think he's realised he needs some space away to be able to think about his mum because at home it will be happiness. Won't your family be able to watch the kids?

Perhaps I'm understanding because I'm used the dh disappearing on Christmas morning for a couple of hours under the pretends of walking the dog, yet he and dog come back very happy around 1pm (pub is open 11-1 only). Now he doesn't say he calls in for a quick one after the park but he certainly did one year with my dad and brothers (mum was livid with them all)

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 12/12/2018 17:34

Cut him some slack, and get him to help you prep as much as possible, set the table etc in advance. A bit of a change in routine can be really helpful at times like this. Your family can pour their own drinks and chat with the kids, theyll understand. Prepare as much as possible of the food in advance, eg potatoes and veg, put it in serving dishes and then just heat it up again when It’s time.

Tell you’re serving at 1pm prompt though!

It’ll be fine, good luck.

OoohAyyye · 12/12/2018 17:36

"It’s not really fair to honour the dead by walking away from the living imo."

What the hell did I just read Confused

Travisandthemonkey · 12/12/2018 17:37

This thread has gone bonkers!

Aarghhelpplease · 12/12/2018 17:38

In your position I would support my husband and move lunch. Step away from the situation and think about what you are actually arguing about. He is struggling with the death of a parent and feels he needs some time out 60minutes of a whole day, and you feel that you can’t cope. I think you need to get some perspective it is a roast dinner that is it. Roast dinner v bereavement!!

OoohAyyye · 12/12/2018 17:39

Jengnr Your post and way of thinking is quite strange.

Sugarsnappy · 12/12/2018 17:41

I don't think you're being unreasonable in being a little annoyed, but given the circumstances I think you should let it slide. It's only an hour, and it might give him some comfort

Justaboy · 12/12/2018 17:44

Let him go in this instance!..

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 12/12/2018 17:44

Why does any adult need a "pass" anyway?

I'm all for give & take but is this really how people treat their partners.

Turquoise123 · 12/12/2018 17:44

Cut him some slack - if he is there for lunch then no problem - your family can entertain the children

Iloveacurry · 12/12/2018 17:46

Honestly just let him go for an hour. If he’s anything like my husband, he wouldn’t be helpful anyway.

Obviously he’d be in trouble if he was late back.

Lolo1845 · 12/12/2018 17:49

I remember the first Christmas after I lost my mum.. honestly cut him some slack. It's going to be a very hard day for him.

Marcipex · 12/12/2018 17:54

Well, he'll be back in time to clear and wash up Wink
But yes, he is selfish and losing his mother is a pathetic excuse.

rinabean · 12/12/2018 17:54

It's old fashioned and honestly repulsive for a man to fuck off to the pub whilst his wife makes the xmas dinner. It's selfish as hell to make yourself the focus on xmas day when you have small children.

Someone said swap it around, well honestly go ahead, do it. A mum who wants to fuck off and drink with her mates on xmas day, not making the dinner and leaving her kids, yes I'm sure everyone would side with her, maybe on another planet! Some women have such low standards for men honestly. This is a previous generation's stereotype of a bad husband/father that he goes off to the pub, this isn't even today's stereotype, why defend it?

It's not okay and having your mum die doesn't make it okay. Everyone's mum will die before them, hopefully. This is normal not special circumstances

Him suggesting it is one thing and maybe grief can excuse that but doing it is another. And random strangers defending him have no excuse at all