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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:
fuzzyduck1 · 13/12/2018 19:02

Do you think your kids will want to nap on Christmas Day with everyone round?
I don’t think so! so the 1pm dinner seems a bit early.
Also wouldn’t some of your family fancy a trip to the pub as well?
So while I don’t think he’s being unreasonable wanting an hour out to remember his mum. I also don’t think your being unreasonable but maybe just move the dinner back an hour or two so he’ll be around to help and if the kids get hungry feed them some roses.

Tinkobell · 13/12/2018 19:13

Why don't you all go the pub and then eat later on.....then you don't have to make tea/supper cos everyone will probably be too wasted or snoring post lunch? Or if he says he's not going to help, say you're going to cook it all the day before and then microwave it on plates with fresh gravy over the top - shrug, says it's the best you can do with no help and two babies......that'd be better than Denise from The Royale Family, she just served a packet of roast chicken walkers crisps 😁

Rosejasmine · 13/12/2018 19:17

Yes I think yabu. If that's when his friends are going to be there and he promises to be back by 1.00. Can you get your family to help with the meal and looking after the kids, or serve it at 2.00? He's only going for an hour and he wants to do it in memory of his mum. If it was me I'd let him go and with good grace, but he'd have to be back at 1.00 and I'd make the meal ready a touch later.

Inertia · 13/12/2018 19:39

Your Nan will cope if dinner is at 2.30 .

Or maybe have starters that can be ready beforehand that you dish up at 1 ?

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 13/12/2018 19:40

I cannot get over some of the responses on here and if I knew people like you in RL I would be washing my hands of you.

He's going to the pub for an hour! For a breather and so he can be sad there and then push it aside for when he's with the OPs family.

Some of the responses on here you'd think he had announced he was going to Vegas to snort cocaine off a lapdancers naked body.

Honestly, you can't all be serious??
Selfish, repulsive, using his mum's death as a red herring.
What horrible people you are.

TynesideBlonde · 13/12/2018 19:47

I’ve had a few years of hosting very elderly/disabled/frail elders while having very small children. Top tip is serve starter (something v easy like a salmon pre made type thing with bread at like 11.30 and give DC party plate (coacktail saudages, a few crisps, cucumber etc). Pub exit opportunity, kids nap. Pub goers return, lunch is served at 2, 3 or whenever.
But yeah, he’s being V U.

TheLastNigel · 13/12/2018 19:55

Honestly it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Aim for lunch at 1.30. He goes to the pub for an hour til one, he's still back to help you get everything out the oven and dished up.
You've got family there to help with the kids for an hour...I genuinely don't see the big deal.
His mum just died...the first Christmas is awful. Give him a break.

Angiemum24 · 13/12/2018 19:57

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Hohocabbage · 13/12/2018 19:58

It would bother me if he came back pissed and still had most of Christmas ahead of you all. Hence a walk for the same length of time wouldn’t be the same issue. The OP will know whether he is likely to do that or just have a quiet pint.

Bettybeautiful28 · 13/12/2018 20:08

Could you change the time you eat - after the children’s nap. Or early evening. If you had a late lunch you could do food prep while the kids are asleep. If you are entertaining your family could they not support you with the food prep/kids. That seems reasonable in the circumstances. I think you are being unreasonable. This is going to be a very difficult day for him. You said he agreed to host - was he agreeing to something you were pushing? Is he all over the place so can’t really know what he wants? Hope you have a good day.

Teacher22 · 13/12/2018 20:11

How does going to a pub ease grief?

It is an excuse to dodge the work of looking after the children while you cook the dinner. He wouldn’t be back at one o’clock anyway.

Let him away with this one and he will do it every year.

HIBVU.

BringBiscuits · 13/12/2018 20:13

If it’s only an hour then you all go? Toast his mum then back to the house to prepare and eat Christmas lunch.

MissEliza · 13/12/2018 20:14

My dm passed away this year and I know Christmas Day will be hard. I think you need to give him a break and let him do it his way this year.

Iloveautumnleaves · 13/12/2018 20:25

Angie. Honestly? Your posts are frequently odd. Her DH seeing friends at the pub doesn’t make his MUM an alcoholic FGS.

OP. I actually think your DH is being selfish & very unfair on you. It was his idea to host this year as he wanted your family there, and he knows what time dinner was planned for. It was at that time to suit your children and your guests.

When a ‘drink’ was suggested he could have said he couldn’t make it on Christmas Day as he has young children and guests. He could have a drink with his friends on Christmas Eve or on Boxing Day. He’s choosing not to. Apart from the extra stress it’s putting on you, it’s rude to invite people (even family) for Christmas then bugger off to the pub.

My Dad loved Christmas and he ‘made’ Christmas (Mum did most if the work, but he provided the ‘magic’ and Mum was happy with that). The first Christmas I barely held it together (had a good few tears in the bathroom!) and it’s not much better now tbh, but I wouldn’t have dreamt of inviting people over then meeting friends at the pub.

He’s comes across as a bit emotionally manipulative your DH. Not just this, but never wanting to talk to you but dripping things like ‘I cried on the way to work today’ into conversation.

KittyDee · 13/12/2018 20:27

I’m really surprised that others are saying he shouldn’t go. What’s the harm really? Just have dinner at 2. I’m sure your parents can help out if needed, but he’s just lost his mum, I think you should let him have a break if that’s what he wants.

Hudson123 · 13/12/2018 20:28

Definitely let him go to the pub if he wants to.
My husband always pops to the pub on Xmas Day. I serve canapés etc at 12 instead of having a starter, then we have dinner around 3ish.
Cut him some slack. It is after all only a roast dinner and I’m sure your family will help out.

Kewcumber · 13/12/2018 20:29

@Zara85 good luck to you and your DH, that you have taken what many of us have said is heartening.

Some of you are in for a major shock when you lose a parent - I mean it's natural right, everyone goes through it, so you just have to suck it up etc etc, an hour at the pub on Xmas day is taking an outrageous liberty Hmm

Iloveautumnleaves · 13/12/2018 20:29

I’m sorry to hear about your Mum Eliza 🌷

The thing is HE wanted to host Christmas, it was HIS suggestion. Now he wants to go and meet his mates at the pub while his wife does the hosting and looks after their children.

Having a parent die is far more awful than you can contemplate until it happens, it’s truly awful, but it doesn’t mean you stop being a spouse or parent, or having other obligations.

Boredspice · 13/12/2018 20:30

Why doesn’t he just help you to prepare all the veg before going? It only has to be baked/boiled or steamed. It’s the prep that takes the time. Or you both prepare it Christmas Eve when the kids are in bed. That seems the simplest solution to me.

AwakeNow · 13/12/2018 20:34

Some of your family can easily lend a hand so your dh can go to the pub, under the circumstances.

He should be given a pass, his mother died.

Ironmanrocks · 13/12/2018 20:37

I haven't read the full thread, but do cut him some slack. The first Christmas is awful - really awful. Raising a glass to her will be important to him and will be a part of his grieving process. Either eat later or prepare everything before he goes....then all you are doing is putting on the veg at the appropriate time....the last hour isn't the busiest when hosting in my experience. Also being with your family and not his will be hard - really hard. Be kind. He is not a knob, whoever said that - he is sad and grieving. Christmas spirit and all.... Hmm

pinkstripeycat · 13/12/2018 20:37

My DH has done the same (in fact he does this type of thing all the time) but if I did it there would be no dinner cooked in my absence and I have to think of DCs. DH goes out, comes back to nice dinner and then sits on arse all arvo

Original poster
Zara85 · 13/12/2018 20:39

Thanks for the new responses, if you click back to page 10 you'll see the outcome. Me and dh have discussed this today and we are both very happy with moving lunch to 1.30pm , him having an hour in the pub for a breather and me trying to be a bit less of a control freak :-)

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 13/12/2018 20:48

I expect he thought it would be ok months ago but now it's nearer the time he's realised there will be no space for him to take some quiet time to himself to reflect with such a full schedule from morning to evening. Sounds like he's trying to carve out that time without being morose in front of guests. I'd also cut him some slack. The first Christmas after a major bereavement is so hard. Sometimes you need to put a face on but sometimes you need to allow for the free emotion.

wafflyversatile · 13/12/2018 20:49

Good to see you've come to an agreement.