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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:

NotANotMan · 12/12/2018 16:11

Your family will be there? Can't they entertain the DC while you get lunch together? You can prep together in the morning before he goes.

juneau · 12/12/2018 16:12

He is being unreasonable with the timing. Why can't he go at 11am or at 6pm or at some other time when he isn't needed at home to help host and serve Christmas lunch. Does he expect you to be serving up with no help and him rolling in at 1pm to plonk himself down at the table to eat? He can toast his DM at a time that is convenient to those whose lives he shares. His current plan is selfish.

letsdolunch321 · 12/12/2018 16:12

I totally understand why your dh wants to go to the pub for an hour - having lost my mum.

Being a mum I also totally understand your way of thinking it will spoil everything. I agree with other posters a later lunch/dinner could be the answer. Talk to dh and compromise.

Bluetrews25 · 12/12/2018 16:12

Gosh, I can totally see both sides.
Losing my final parent made me unreasonably resent spending time with PILs. You cannot truly totally 'get' this unless you have lost your own, no matter how empathetic you are.
Can absolutely see why he wants a little escape valve this year.
BUT you will be struggling to wrangle everything at the very time he wants to dive out.
Options:
DH could raise a glass at home with his own DCs, we always have a toast to 'absent friends' at Christmas lunch.
He could go outside and take 5 mins in reflection, and you could go there and just be with him if he wants that (and perhaps suggest that as an option if he needs space at any time, and promise you will not question him about it)
Get lunch almost ready, put it on low light, then you all go to pub for the hour, or just you and him
Or he does go alone for the hour but understands that lunch will be served on time if he is home or not, but you would much prefer he was there

Next year - different scenario!

cardifcannonball · 12/12/2018 16:13

User it clearly says in the OP that it was the DH's idea to host, so how is she being selfish?
OP i think you're both being unreasonable, really. It's a rubbish time to go out, but it's going to be a rubbish Christmas for your DH too.
There are options;
If it's your family coming, I think it's reasonable for them to help you, food prep, looking after the DC's, when your DH is out. Just backside you're hosting doesn't mean they have to sit on their arses being waited on, does it?
Or, you eat later, after your DC's have napped. You can set the timetable for the day, there's no right or wrong. Have an easy lunch (dips, bread, cheese etc) that DH can help you sort out before he goes. Then when he gets back, you prepare the main event together.
Do as much prep as you can the night before. Make sure it's just a case of getting things in the oven at the right time.
Sit down and talk to him about it. I'm sure you'll come up with something that works. Good luck 😉

Alfie190 · 12/12/2018 16:13

You are being very selfish. You have invited all your family over and cannot spare him an hour because you want to base lunch around nap time! FFS.

SushiMonster · 12/12/2018 16:14

I'd shift lunch back to 3 or 4.

PandorasBag · 12/12/2018 16:14

My husband's father died a few weeks back.

It simply hadn't occurred to me - or him - that this would be a 'get out card' on Xmas day. People will be coming round, we'll both be making the meal a success - and at lunch glasses will be raised to both the living and the dead.

icannotremember · 12/12/2018 16:15

Is there a particular reason it has to be 12pm? Did he and his mum have a tradition that at 12pm on Xmas Day they raised a glass together, or something like that?

SassitudeandSparkle · 12/12/2018 16:15

When you say he 'agreed' to host Christmas, do you mean that you said you wanted to invite your family for Christmas in the very year that he has none of his own left?! If this is the case YABU OP. He may be finding the thought of seeing them all together difficult this year.

Show him a little compassion OP. You have your family to help on the day.

Kahlua4me · 12/12/2018 16:16

I would let him you go to the pub actually and if a real problem can you just have dinner later? When my dc were really little we would have dinner about 4.30 so they could have their lunch at 12 and keep to a usual routine for them.

Will any of your family join him? Or perhaps you can all go, dc and all. Get dinner ready to go and then have a bit of time chatting in the pub. I lost my lovely mum a few years ago as she died in an accident on holiday. The first Christmas was horrendous, I went onto autopilot for dc but it was incredibly painful. The pub may give your dh an hour of calm and respite from his emotions and the pain he is in.

IamSusan · 12/12/2018 16:16

you are hosting your family, give them the kids whilst you finish the very last prep, but there can't be that much left for the last hour, can it.

I don't think either of you are BU, I would ask him to help you out before he goes out, so you have much less to do just before diner. Kids eat first at 1pm whilst adults seat with nibbles and a glass around the table, kids go to bed at 1:30-2pm then the adults eat by which time your DH should be back.

Much less stressful and less faff than getting already angry about him coming back late when he hasn't even left the house yet.

Christmas really needn't be so stressful, it's only a meal, get most of it prepared from Cooks or other if you are really panicking.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 12/12/2018 16:16

I think you're being unreasonable. I lost a sibling a while ago, I would have struggled to spend that Christmas pretending to be happy with DH's family so we just had a quiet one and DH cooked. If he had wanted his family over I know he would have handled the cooking and been happy for me to take an hour out if I needed to.

SassitudeandSparkle · 12/12/2018 16:17

No, I don't it was the DH's idea to host - the OP said he agreed 'to change things up a bit' which is what made me think they don't usually have all her family there and she's picked a terrible year for him to do it now!

TheChickenOfTruth · 12/12/2018 16:17

One hour to himself to think about his mum on his first Christmas day without her doesn't seem unreasonable when spending all day with his in-laws.

He can only got at midday is because most pubs aren't open for long on Christmas day - literally just over lunchtime. That's not unreasonable.

You're not being unreasonable to not want to look after the kids and prepare dinner by yourself while hosting your own parents. That's hard work.

I propose pushing dinner back to say 3pm to give him his space and also let him help with dinner.

nellieellie · 12/12/2018 16:18

He agreed to host. So he needs to be the host with you. I’ve recently lost both parents but don’t use it as an excuse to dump on my DH.

Jammydodger1981 · 12/12/2018 16:19

Alfie HE wanted to host, and now he’s only thinking of himself, not two young children and their Christmas. She would spare him an hour, just not that hour. FFS.

Kahlua4me · 12/12/2018 16:20

Just to add, I wouldn’t have been able to raise a glass to my mum at the table that first Christmas without sobbing for ages afterwards, it was simply to painful.

I don’t think anybody truly understands how it feels to lose a parent until you have been through it yourself.

OptimisticIntrovert · 12/12/2018 16:21

Having lost both of my parents, i think you are being unreasonable. Anything that can get him through that horrible first Christmas will help. If I'm being honest, i think being surrounded by your family is going to be very hard for him. Cut him some slack- as a previous poster said, if you haven't experienced it, you don't know how gutwrenchingly hard that first bereaved Christmas is.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2018 16:21

How long do the kids nap for? Why don't uou do lunch at 3 or 4. Surely the kids can still be with you after their nap. The kids can have a nap at 12 and your husband go to the pub. I'm sorry I'm not seeing the big deal, your timings are of your own making, just move lunch to suit.

MinecraftHolmes · 12/12/2018 16:23

It depends on whether he's actually good at keeping time. If your DH is like mine, then I'd be wary too based on past experience where "I'll be back in a couple of hours" never turns out that way. Or "I'm just nipping into town" isn't the quick errand that's suggested but actually "I'm nipping into a town half an hour away and maybe taking the scenic route home because I fancy a drive" safe in the knowledge that muggins here is stuck dealing with the kids.

InDubiousBattle · 12/12/2018 16:25

Where I live local pubs usually only open from 12-2 on Christmas day. If he wants to go at 12 then make that the time you give the kids a light lunch then put them to bed. Have Christmas dinner at 4 ish when the dc have woken up.

DogInATent · 12/12/2018 16:26

We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.

He agreed that this is what he wants, or he agreed to go along with your suggestion of what you wanted?

The original wording is a bit odd (who agrees to what they want?) and at a contrast with what he's said he wants (having a drink in the pub).

I think you need a more open and honest conversation with him on this. And maybe reflect on the actual conversations you've already had that have resulted in what you think has been agreed.

Fridaydreamer · 12/12/2018 16:27

YANBU.
He should go after lunch and when any washing up/clearing away is done. He cannot use his loss as an excuse to dump massive unnecessary stress on you. A time change is an easy compromise.

thedancingbear · 12/12/2018 16:27

The lack of compassion shown by various posters here is pretty horrible.

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