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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 16:28

Unless he has form for being selfish and unreasonable and you're about to do a massive drip feed, then move lunch back and hour or two, give the kids a snack to keep them going and tell him to enjoy his drink and have one for you too.

I lost my mum on New Years day within reason he needs some space particularly when he's surrounded by your family reminding him that he has none. Even better ask your family if they'll babysit and ask him if he'd like you to come with him. Grief can be very lonely.

If you can, be kinder to each other, the loss of a parent is a difficult thing to come to terms with for many people. After all Christmas lunch is just that... a lunch. He has lost his mum forever and some occasions will (particularly in the earlier years) be harder than others.

CaraCarbonara · 12/12/2018 16:29

Another vote for letting him go.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 12/12/2018 16:29

I think you should also have a chat with DH about why he really wants to go to the pub.

Has he just realised the implications of hosting your parents in the year he has been bereaved?

Even if he agreed to it, he could still be struggling.

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 16:30

You cannot compare the "stress" of cooking christmas lunch and managing your (own) two children with losing a parent. Get some perspective folks - he's not planning a skiing trip for the holidays to get away, it's an hour in the local pub.

thedancingbear · 12/12/2018 16:31

'My mum died suddenly a few months ago. We were really close and I am bereft. We're hosting DH's family at xmas. I really want to go to the pub for an hour on xmas day to raise a glass to mum with my friends. But DH says I have to stay here and help with hosting'.

cue chorus of 'husband is controlling, heartless, ltb etc'.

Double standards at its finest. We're talking about a human being who has just lost their mum.

BrendasUmbrella · 12/12/2018 16:31

Explain the circumstances to your parents, I'm sure they'll understand. maybe they'll volunteer to help with prep/kids between them. It's family, not work, it shouldn't be stressful.

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 16:32

And I don't blame him for wanting to change things - we are doing something different this year because I can't bear doing exactly the same thing we did when my mum was alive. Still doesn't mean I'm going to find any of it easy.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/12/2018 16:34

Having lost my Mum in a sudden and horrible way, I remember how horrible the first Christmas was. He's surrounded by your family all day - reminding him of what he has lost.

^ this. Presumably if you like your family enough to host them all; they'll pitch in and help, and they'll understand that he has just lost his family?

It's an hour. As long as he'll definitely be back to eat; I don't think he's at all unreasonable to go.

Travisandthemonkey · 12/12/2018 16:34

I’m another one that think young kids and lunch at 1 is a bad idea.
Have it at tea time. 4-5 then everyone can actually relax a bit.
They get lunch then a nap. Where you and he can get on with prep. And enjoy a drink with the in-laws.

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 16:36

a few months after my mum died I was till crying at some point EVERY DAY.

One of the most important people who will ever be in his life is gone forever. Calling him selfish is a total headfuck.

FYI my father had a similar approach when my mum's mother died, expected her to be back to normal after a few months and she said she was never able to see him in the same way again, they were divorced a few years later.

guess what my dad was like when HIS mum subsequently died

Ilikeknitting · 12/12/2018 16:36

Tell him you will be going to the pub at 3pm to raise a glass to the war dead, you expect he will have cleared the table, washed up with the help of the other guests, got the dc up, run the vacuum around, emptied the bins, wiped down in the kitchen and cured world hunger’
When he looks at you like you’ve just grown another head, tell him you mean it. If he has to go out on the busiest day of the year to ‘remember’ the dead, then so do you!

SassitudeandSparkle · 12/12/2018 16:36

@Zara85 are you going to clarify who came up with the idea of your family coming for a change?

As I've already said, I think this was your idea and your DH agreed to it, he didn't suggest it.

thedancingbear · 12/12/2018 16:37

^Tell him you will be going to the pub at 3pm to raise a glass to the war dead, you expect he will have cleared the table, washed up with the help of the other guests, got the dc up, run the vacuum around, emptied the bins, wiped down in the kitchen and cured world hunger’
When he looks at you like you’ve just grown another head, tell him you mean it. If he has to go out on the busiest day of the year to ‘remember’ the dead, then so do you!^

If you said that to me after I'd just lost my mum, I'd walk out on you. Absolutely hateful.

user139328237 · 12/12/2018 16:37

I have a challenge for all of you suggesting he goes to the pub later. Simply find me a single pub outside of the M25 that is open for drinks any later than 3pm on Xmas day.

MrsGrindah · 12/12/2018 16:38

This thread is making me want to cry because this is exactly what I’m facing, except I’ve got to sit surrounded by DHs family and I will have no one. Unless there’s a massive drip feed here I’m sure he won’t be playing a get out card but genuinely thinking it might help just to escape for a bit. I have no idea how I’m going to cope to be honest

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 16:38

@ilikeknitting if you are seriously comparing your mum dying to remembering tha strangers who died 100 years ago then you have the empathy of an envelope.

OP - I'm sure you won't behave like that unless that's really what you're like underneath in which case, best for him to know now!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/12/2018 16:38

@!Ilikeknitting seriously?? The war dead hardly equates with your Mother.

PuppyMonkey · 12/12/2018 16:39

FFS everyone, it’s Christmas Day - the pub probably WON’T BE OPEN LATER.

Pachyderm1 · 12/12/2018 16:39

First Christmas after a bereavement is rough. I would let him go and ask family to help.

wijjy · 12/12/2018 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pachyderm1 · 12/12/2018 16:40

Fucking hell @Ilikeknitting. Exhibiting all the empathy of a brick there.

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 16:40

@MrsGrindah - find a quiet space, get on MN and we'll set up a thread on Xmas day for those who have lost a loved one this year and need to talk to people who understand.

Tinyteatime · 12/12/2018 16:41

For an hour, I think it’s fine, I don’t really see the problem. It will be a hard day for him to be surrounded by your family only. He won’t want to bring the mood down but he will be feeling emotional/nostalgic. Best to let him have some time out.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 12/12/2018 16:41

Mrs Grindah

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 16:42

@mrsgrindah I'd also recommend the Good Grief Trust (they have a facebook page)

It doesn't change anything but it does help to know others are going through it too.

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